DH has moved out

@passa have you done any building work? Because I would expect a loft conversion or a new extension for that price

we did a loft conversion and as part of thah also carpeted did new wardrobes (bespoke fitted in 3 bedrooms) and a kitchen, recarpeted etc well within your budget

what things did the designers tell you you needed you didn’t know and how did you manipulate him

Also hugely struggling to see how you've spent £100k on what's listed, OP. Have you gone for insane high-end bespoke or something? (but even then ...)

We've just spent £65k on new kitchen, including knocking through two walls, new boot room, new cloakroom, 2x new family bathrooms, flooring and electrics, plastering and decoration for all. We are not London but commuter south east, so still pricey end.

Seems like you have coerced him into hugely overspending. Saying that, he is an adult and he should have been firm about his financial boundaries before it reached this stage. It's hard to know how much you have been pushing beyond his comfort zones and how much you have properly discussed with him.

You spent £100k on a kitchen and some paint?!

We've just had two new bathrooms, a new w/c, new dining room and fitted kitchen (including having a new false ceiling, and flooring throughout the downstairs), new soft furnishings (beds, sofas, bedside tables, chest of drawers, toy boxes, bookshelves etc.), had the entire house including all of the woodwork and ceilings painted or wallpapered, new light fittings, a new media wall (with a new TV, new fire, new sound bar) and even had new artwork and it's cost us less than £50k!

You've been taken for a mug and I'm not surprised your husband is pissed off.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff if the OP said her DH emotionally manipulated her into spending more than they were comfortable with, if they had an agreed budget but he got carried away when he met the designers and spent far more than they agreed he would be classed as abusive and she would be encouraged to LTB. The OP alludes/admits to doing the above and now he has left she seems more concerned with her house than her relationship. That is why she is getting a hard time

Get the works that are paid for completed and put the house on the market. You are best off not together as I think you may have bulldozed him into all of this and he’s had enough of you and the house. I’d go to my parents too if I was him.

That's because if they knew, they'd probably batter him through your outdated serving hatch for cashing in his ISAs and employee shares to fund fecking wardrobes. 🙄

You are coming in for a lot of flak here OP.

He is an adult. Supposed to be a partner. He cannot blame you for everything. You say he has an important job - He clearly has the ability to speak up. There are two of you in this. Not one. Therefore the "blame" if such it is, is shared.

He wanted a fab house, all done up for him he just didn't want to deal with any difficult decisions or face reality.

What strikes me is when you mentioned that he would agree to something.. Then say no, then agree again.

From my own experience, it is dreadful dealing with someone who does that when you re in the middle of a project...
You can't just stop and start renovations once they've started.. or you'd be left with half a roof.
Nor did he sit down with you and try to work out what could be done to prioritise, cut or defer expenses, how you could save money by doing it yourselves.

Now he's left you with a half done up unaffordable house in what sounds like negative equity and its apparently your job to deal with it all. He won't get involved. Such a childish attitude.

You may have made mistakes (having never done up a house before) but his attitude is pathetic... "someone else sort out my mess for me. Its all her fault."
It also sounds like he sold shares when the market tanked and now rues the day as the market recovered... He should have got better advice and found some way to delay the sale. Only he could have decided to use his ISA and shares to fund the renovations.

I would get two estate agents quotes of what the house is worth now.. and decide what you want to do.
Get some indepdendent advice on how you can reduce the loss.
Do you want to stay on.. continue doing it up bit by bit. As people have suggested, get a lodger? We've taken years to do up our house. There's always more to do, but it is an asset.
but try to work out the immediate priorities and costs for that..What can be done yourself? There are loads of videos onYou Tube to help.. which were'nt available to my generation.

Or do you want to sell up and downsize.
Do you want to stay married or split.

It's very difficult for you when he's not around to discuss this with. But you need to get some support and maybe see a councillor yourself to talk these things through.

Having read all of OP's posts, I can understand where her husband is coming from (even if his behaviour has been poor).

It sounds like you ran roughshod over the top of him and the result is your marriage has collapsed and you are both going to be significantly impoverished for it. Given that he is a substantially higher earner, hopefully he will recover financially from this in time and have learned a lesson about not allowing oneself to be railroaded into something that you don't want and can't afford.

As others have said, you seem more bothered about losing the house than the husband. Sounds like you've pushed him into making some very poor financial decisions and he's rightly not happy about it. Who on earth thinks it's a good idea to cash in shares and ISAs for new wardrobes!
You need a grovelling apology and a plan to replenish the savings/investments if you want to keep the DH or the house.

We couldn’t afford wardrobes for the first couple of years so we made do with a couple of rails from a market trader and cheap ikea washing baskets for the stuff in drawers.it wasn’t what i dreamed of but it worked. We had a push lawn mower and awful white patio chairs in the lounge. we made an essentials list spread over 3 years and luxury list to do over 5 years.We started with the kids rooms and didn’t scrimp on them at all so that they had a space to do homework or have friends round.
While we were waiting i cleaned every surface with sugar soap and bleach which made me feel better.
We also held back on the kitchen which was horrible but we had only budgeted for the units worktops and floor.Im not quite sure how we made that mistake but we had to wait a long time to do it as we wanted top range integrated appliances a hot tap drawer inserts etc.
You are where you are and i would start with an apology and see if he’s willing to go to couples counselling.If he does come back you need to have a conversation about budget and stick to it.While we were waiting to get stuff done we used the time to choose what we wanted and get quotes,look at portfolios etc.It was still tough on our marriage.
Good luck which ever way it goes but your marriage needs to be your priority.

As you've spent the money is the house finished? Or do you need to spend more to finish off the work?

Have you actually talked to him since he moved out? Do you want to get back with him?

Don’t panic this can be salvaged. When we bought our first home, a renovation project, we had a similar amount left each month. We thought living with decor we hated would be okay but it caused lots of arguments due to the stress of living in a home we didn’t like.

It took us several years to do the house up a room at a time mainly, only hiring tradespeople for jobs we couldn’t do ourselves.

it was hard but we were able to push through as knew we were building a home for our family. It’s paid off.

All of this will be a big shock to the system for you both. Just remember it should be your relationship and what you are building for the future that’s the priority not fancy designers etc. Rome wasn’t built in a day and it’s good to hold some savings back for emergencies. I would get back in touch with your husband and put things right if it’s the relationship you care about.

Surely either the work has been done, therefore increase in value, or work pending and you've just paid deposits?

If he's that much of a high-flyer, didn't he see where the money was going to go?

Didn't you both run a budget?

This makes no sense.

You seem more concerned about losing the house than losing your husband.

You sound so emotionless. I think he’s better off without you.

They were in a care home, so the house was very dated and dirty

Getting it professionally cleaned doesn’t cost that much in the scheme of things. Dated doesn’t matter, that’s just superficial. Then you could have lived in it doing it up bit by bit as you could afford even if it took several years. Surely, that should have been more important than taking all savings, investment and ruining your marriage over?

Some of my kids have purchased a property. A right dump but great location and structure. They have a 5-7 year plan to do it up saving as they go. They just got it professionally deep cleaned to begin with so you felt you could actually walk in and remain clean😁. They are going to put up with substandard and extremely old kitchen and bathroom, carpet that, while now steam cleaned, looks like it’s going to walk off on it’s own and walls/ceiling that could do with a good paint. Dodgy hot water heater is their first priority to get replaced with something modern and that reliably works, then everything else bit by bit while paying down the mortgage. Because that’s common sense and they have been on the same page with communication and agreement from the get go. I imagine if one went wild and committed a truckload of $$ up front, the other would be well pissed off, and I would understand.

Do you even want to save your marriage. All you are concerned about is the house. Sounds rather like you wanted a lifestyle you thought he could provide rather than wanting him for himself.

You really do seem to care more about the house than your marriage falling. I hope he isn't forced to pay for you being able to stay there.

I don't blame him.

It was one of the few houses you liked.
You got in designers.
You overspent on things they suggested.

He feels like a cash cow and is off now before you start a family and more money is going out on designer clothes/prams etc.

You don't talk about missing him or being concerned for your part in this - only about the house.

We bought a house that needs doing up but we are doing it slowly a room at a time.i don't think there's any need to spend so much straight away if the house is habitable. Based on what you say I wouldn't say that that would cost 60k. There are lots of opportunities to do up on a budget/buy second hand furniture which you can research with more time

Then yes, you are going to lose the house unless you can get the marriage back in track.

You really really need to step up here and stop spending other people’s money.

Who buys a renovation project, that (pre work) is at the up of thier budget… then tries to do all the work at once, with no contingency ?

There must be a dozen TV shows, on this very topic .. did you not see one of them ?

Sounds like you pressed him to continue when he (rightly) wanted to pause on the spending, and he eventually gave in.

I feel sorry for the bloke, tbh.

I’m trying to think of a situation where you get divorced and you don’t have to move out of the house that you can’t afford on your own, but I’m struggling. No children mentioned. Had you come up with any scenarios OP? How might it work? Are you hoping he might somehow be forced to pay for you to stay there and he finds somewhere else?

Ok. You don't buy a house at the very top of your budget that needs £60k of rennovation work. Are you insane?