DH has moved out

Champagne tastes on lemonade money. And you’re not even paying for your own lemonade.
The death of your IG dreams seems more important than the death of your marriage.

These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what I’ll do….

Did he ask you along the way to stop spending and you ignored him? Or wAs it a shock to both of you when the total added up?

Agreed @Passa knows there's no walking back from this.

OP ain’t comin’ back

While there are a lot of people that claim to "know their worth" very few have evidence to support their own value to others in a relationship. Evidently this woman tops out at around $55k.

I would divorce you not just leave, you have no respect for him or his sacrifice. And he deserves more. I hope, if you get another relationship that you see all the wrong you did and learn from your mistakes instead of repeating the same thing, and end up twice divorced. In addition, you should get a job and pay him back the 85000 to his savings and his retirement. It's his savings and his retirement, not yours. You didn't go to work for him and sitting at home, letting him vent, does not entitle you to all of his money. I'd get carried away with destroying your life.

What you need is a therapist. Spending soneone else's retirement savings on a remodel and be okay with that because he makes much more than you, all so you will feel good, is NOT okay.

It's hard to tell from your post, but it seems like your hubby was trying to make you happy and you took advantage of it. Did you discuss everything including the costs before spending it?

I'm having a hard time understanding how you can even ask if your being unreasonable. Retirement savings aren't supposed to be squandered on trivial things. You work your butt off to save so you CAN retire and still live comfortably.

If you really want to save your marriage, I would start with a very sincere apology and ask your hubby how HE feels about saving the marriage and go from there. Broken trust is a very hard thing to recover from especially if he feels more like a wallet than a partner.

The ball is in your court. Decide where your priorities are and if it's saving your marriage, Go for it. Don't force it to be your way, just ask if he feels it can be saved and let him lead the way.

It's always been better to live in a place for a while before doing it up, because you have to find out where the leaks are and other necessary things.

It is amazing just how quickly house decoration goes out of fashion. Within a few years it will look as it was when it was sold. I dare not admit how old my kitchen is.

I love looking at 'FOUR IN A BED' on Channel 4. It is hilarious the way they pull each others B&B apart. I remember one host very proud of her William Morris wallpaper in her newly decorated rooms. One of the others in the competition marked it down as being outdated. His remark to his partner was ''who's William Morris?

No where else can you get critical acclaim or otherwise!

I assume they had a survey done by a qualified surveyor?

Guy did the math on how many more extra years he was going to have to work to earn back the money he lost plus the interest those investments would’ve earned over that same period of time and decided she just wasn’t worth it. So many people lose what they have to get what they think they want. Probably could’ve lived in the “dated” home just fine for decades and sold it for a healthy profit after a coat of paint.

@llizzie have you read the full thread?
sevral times he said stop!
he’s sold shares and is finding this vanity project which includes getting designers in!
plus op is more concerned about the house than her husband

I suppose I have to accept the inevitability that someone would start an argument over something I say. It usually happens. Why any poster would voluntarily pick up on a post just to argue the toss and show themselves up is a mystery.

Is it the start of filling up 40 pages and ending the thread, because for the life of me I cannot see anything for you to complain about.

I do not agree with you.

Until he walked out, this was a project they were doing together - buying their first home. He possibly was just as enthusiastic as she about impressing their friends and family.

His walking out was sudden, and the OP is looking for reasons why he did that, and as many women do, is blaming herself. That is something mumsnet posters usually abhor, yet here you are condemning her instead of being positive and helping her sort her way out of a maze she doesn't understand fully.

It is not always the woman's fault.

Not at all. I did not think that she was more upset about the house than losing her DH. I am surprised that you or anyone would think that.

I think that she is very upset. How can anyone turn the whole emotion around and interpret her post that way?

Has she lost the house yet? I am responding to you, but have not checked if she actually says she has.

Her DH walked out on her and she thinks it is because she overspent and he finally confessed that he had no money left, after being as enthusiastic as she is over the purchase of their first home.
.

So having an instagram worthy house was more important than financial security and your husband’s mental health and you are still more worried about loosing your house over loosing your husband????
jesus Christ !!

OP could you sell the new furniture and buy second hand to recoup a bit of money?
Are you sorry for getting carried away and want to repair things with him?

How about each of us just gives our own advice? You think it's reasonable to be more upset about losing a house than losing a DH, fine, you respond on that basis. I'll stick to providing the advice that I personally think is most helpful to the OP.

Does she have to? would you be upset? The fact that she has told us, admitted her mistake - if it was a mistake, that is, nust show emotion, and it doesn't come across as happy to me.

That, is unnecessarily unkind. What sort of encouragement is that at this late stage? You cannot credit a stranger with the anger you would feel in the same circumstances.

She probably did think it could happen right away. Perhaps she thought life was too short to wait. Only after the effect did she realise the enormity of what was being done. Now she wishes she hadn't gone so far.

For you to hope that her DH divorces her is not very constructive, is it?

No one puts anyone in the 'poor house'. It was a joint venture. He pulled out to show his - probably anger - in a demonstrative way. If he is given to anger and tantrums - and the OP has never mentioned that - then that is a different thing entirely.

I didn't get that impression so much from the OP. I thought she was genuinely concerned that her husband had moved out. In fact, that was probably why she bared her soul to us all.

Why else would she post and ask what to do next?

So, the house needs updating, but are the areas that need updating livable and usable? Because if they are, why could you not put off the updates until you saved money for them, rather than put your husband in the poorhouse? I get the sense that a lot of this remodeling was unnecessary, but you had to have a perfect house, right now, and now your husband is broke. I sure hope he gets the down payment back out of it when you sell, because if he's smart, your DH will be your exDH in short order.

You haven't mentioned being upset at presumably the love of your life walking out on you, your worry seems to only be about the house. Renovations are stressful, anyone can argue about them, but walking away is a huge step. You seem to understand that you got carried away overspending, but you attribute all your DH's upset just to money rather than how you've treated him. It doesn't sound like you love him at all. You need to really think about your relationship rather than your house; imagine you both lost the house, jobs, money - picture yourself looking at him; do you want a life with that man? If you do, then look honestly at how you've dismissed his input and go to talk things over to see if you can sort your relationship out or if you're too late.

Have you given a full sincere apology? You got massively carried away and he was forced along for the ride. Hold your hands up and ask what you can do to fix things.

I’m in my 40s, lived in this house for 10 years and it’s still not finished. Most people can’t afford to renovate a whole house in one go.

i can see how it could end up costing more than 100k. We had a small extension not that long ago and it cost a fortune, and we’ve done the decorating, door hanging, in built furniture, skirting ourselves. If I’d had the money I would of absolutely paid for all of this, as we still haven’t done all the skirting boards or cupboards!

A friend bought a doer upper with three dark chocolate suites.
She absolutely hated them but had other jobs to do. Every fleck of dust showed on them, every day.
She would have swapped for pink or green! It was late 80's.