Page 4 | Surprise guest. Should we say something?

breakdown98765 · 2025-06-01T22:48:53+00:00

We became good friends with a couple, a couple of years ago. However a few times we’ve been invited over, they have also had their other mate over. We’ll call him Steve. One hand I feel bad as it’s evident that Steve doesn’t have many friends or family in the nearby area. I’ve also got my suspicions that he’s either depressed or got depressive tendencies. But on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply. The thing is, is when we’re invited over, we get the impression it’s just going to be us. To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing Should I mention something to my friend or just put up with potentially being Steve there?

AnysTractor · 02/06/2025 07:55

SandyY2K · 02/06/2025 07:51

They wouldn't invite the OP over of they weren't keen on her and her husband's company.

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This could be the case, but I’ve also felt that while I’ve bern invited, I’ve been used as a social crutch in situations

AnysTractor · 02/06/2025 07:54

Wait until they invite you over e.g to a Xmas Eve Party.

You see Steve there and say with a smile on your face

“omg it’s Xmas Eve, not Xmas Steve!!”

then wish them all a merry Xmas, but turn on your heel and walk out the door!

This would definitely hammer the point home!

SandyY2K · 02/06/2025 07:51

shipofools · 02/06/2025 01:01

Perhaps they kill two birds with one stone by inviting Steve and you at the same time? In other words, they are not quite as keen on your company as you are theirs.

They wouldn't invite the OP over of they weren't keen on her and her husband's company.

SilkCottonTree · 02/06/2025 07:50

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

But the couple are the OP’s friends and the ones she is interested in spending time with, they are not necessarily being inclusive to Steve they are likely spending time with him through guilt or whatever and are diluting his draining presence by inviting other people at the same time. The OP doesn’t enjoy spending time with Steve, so why are his needs more important than hers?

Twelftytwo · 02/06/2025 07:47

If someone is kind enough to invite you to their house I don't think you can really dictate who else they invite.

bluesinthenight · 02/06/2025 07:47

bluesinthenight · 02/06/2025 07:46

In any case, I have had enough of the nonsense and am going to unwatch/hide the thread.

Sorry, op! I posted to the wrong thread!!

user1476613140 · 02/06/2025 07:47

Kitkatcatflap · 01/06/2025 23:54

It may be easier for you to invite them to yours. That's what I would do

Most obvious solution...

minnienono · 02/06/2025 07:46

If you have ever been single later in life you’ll be upset by your op. Not everyone is coupled up, why shouldn’t he have an invite to their house

Foreverhappiest · 02/06/2025 07:46

TomatoSandwiches · 01/06/2025 23:51

Next time they invite you ask if Steve is going to be there, if they say yes then politely decline, they'll get the message.

This easy. Ask. Decline if Steve will be there. If they say they don’t know - ask them to ask again when they do know.

if they push just say Steve isn’t really our cup of tea.

Years ago I was NC with a family member and always used to check they weren’t go to be there but these family members would say that he wasn’t going to be there and then they turned up. I stopped going. This isn’t this situation you can ask and decline.

bluesinthenight · 02/06/2025 07:46

In any case, I have had enough of the nonsense and am going to unwatch/hide the thread.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/06/2025 07:45

Being annoyed at a non-coupled person being there - YABVU

Not liking Steve as an individual - YANBU

what about widowed or divorced people? Are they not allowed to still socialise?

Nominative · 02/06/2025 07:42

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

On the other hand, if you had a friend like Steve who you know to be difficult, would you repeatedly subject the same friends to him, rather than give them a break occasionally and invite them on their own?

Oriunda · 02/06/2025 07:41

My group of friends include someone I really don’t get on with. Nothing inherently wrong with her; we just don’t gel. So if she’s there, I’ll often not go. No one should be forced to spend time with people they don’t like. Life’s too bloody short for that.

saraclara · 02/06/2025 07:38

JamieCannister · 02/06/2025 07:30

I don't get the impression that the issue is OP only likes couples

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So what's this about?

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

JamieCannister · 02/06/2025 07:30

Member869894 · 02/06/2025 07:23

When I split up with my ex I lost friends who only invited couples to social events. It's crap . Steve might be a pain in the arse and of so then mention it but don't be that couple that only mix with other couples

I don't get the impression that the issue is OP only likes couples

JamieCannister · 02/06/2025 07:29

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

Often "inclusivity" is quite exclusive. In this case it would appear that by "including" steve they are excluding OP (full stop if she doesn't go because of Steve, or excluding her from having a good time if she goes and steve spoils it for her).

OP should, as other have said, simply say "is it just going to be the four of us?" and if the answer is "not, it'll be five, including steve" then she can decline.

The only risk is that the other couple prioritise steve.

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 02/06/2025 07:26

Urgh, I have someone who does this. It’s DHs friend so all the organising is done by them and obv he never asks but there’s other families there which means my daughter really struggles as her friend is with other friends and my social battery takes a hit I wasn’t expecting. As it’s just one guy, I’d ask if he will be there and then say no accordingly. Possibly with a polite “I don’t have energy for Steve today” but I’d probably just say “look, I struggle with Steve and would prefer he wasn’t there”. He’s not your friend and you don’t have to tread carefully around him. Either don’t see him or call him out on his behaviour.

Member869894 · 02/06/2025 07:23

When I split up with my ex I lost friends who only invited couples to social events. It's crap . Steve might be a pain in the arse and of so then mention it but don't be that couple that only mix with other couples

EleanorReally · 02/06/2025 07:21

BeanQuisine · 02/06/2025 03:55

They might bring Steve.

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surely that is unlikely?

StMarie4me · 02/06/2025 07:19

saraclara · 02/06/2025 00:34

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

I'm widowed. My social life is a shadow of what it used to be because of couples like you. It sucks more than I can say.

Amen to that. I have been on my own for many years and do t I know it.

IberianBlackout · 02/06/2025 07:14

That it's finally me and you, and you and me
Just us, and your friend Steve
Do-do-do-do-do-do, Steve
Do-do-do-do-do-do, leave
🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎶

LoveWine123 · 02/06/2025 07:01

No advice on Steve other than perhaps being direct with the other couple and mention that he doesn’t seem to like you so you prefer to meet without him.

You totally lost me with your couples comment - do you only socialise with an even number of people?? This comment is really not giving you a good look.

TranceNation · 02/06/2025 06:58

It does sound a bit odd how this Steve has harpooned himself to this couple. Are there ever any other friends there at these invites or is it just yourself, your partner, the couple and Steve?

I would personally just make a remark back to Steve along the lines of 'wow, you can really go off someone quick' when he is being awkward.

CaptainFuture · 02/06/2025 06:46

CakeBlanchett · 02/06/2025 05:42

Quite frankly, this takes the biscuit for misplaced sympathy. To expect a couple to endlessly tolerate a rude and antisocial guest simply because your notion of “kindness” demands blind inclusion is utterly unreasonable. Social gatherings are not counselling sessions for Steve. If he’s genuinely difficult, it’s not about “meeting him where he’s at” — it’s a matter of common courtesy and ensuring everyone’s evening isn’t spoiled.

Moreover, friends are under no obligation to sacrifice their own enjoyment or comfort to accommodate Steve. If the “coupley friends” choose to continue inviting him, that’s their prerogative — but the rest of the group needn’t pretend it’s all perfectly harmonious. Often, the greatest kindness lies in setting clear boundaries rather than enabling poor behaviour under the guise of empathy.

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Absolutely, I think most people are over the guilt tripping bleat of 'beee kind'... to your own detriment...always place yourself last, put the me-centric, soul sucking whiners first!

RunningJo · 02/06/2025 06:45

Invite them over “are you two free to come over for a bbq on Saturday” . Make it an invite for the two of them. You don’t need to be rude in your invitation and saying ‘but not Steve’. Then when they come you can bring Steve up into the conversation and see what the deal is, or don’t, you could just start to invite your friends to yours or out to places instead of going to their house. Surely they aren’t going to invite Steve and he wouldn’t just turn up. Maybe they’ll get the hint without a risk of causing upset. I think it’s difficult, even to good friends, to say you aren’t keen on one of their friends.