Surprise guest. Should we say something?

Oh I think it sounds very likely that they are inviting the OP and her husband to dilute Steve.

But that's not really on if the OP and her husband don't enjoy Steve's company. And they should be upfront about it.

Well, you can ask if he's going to be there. You can also politely decline an invitation if you don't want to go.

This said, YABU when it comes to 'couples only' evenings and your obvious intolerance of mental health issues.

I have never been in this scenario, but in theory I could imagine knowing a couple who I quite like, but am not really bothered whether I ever see again. At the same time my partner has a long-standing friend who is a bit of a pain in the bum, but we feel sorry for him and he is a good friend to DP one-on-one. We end up inviting the couple around primarily to dilute the long-standing friend.

Not saying that is what is happening, but it is not completely implausible.

I think YABU to think it has to be a “couples thing” if any couples are going to be there, as it’s incredibly excluding of single people to have that mindset.

YANBU not to want Steve there every time though. If he’s rude, then I can understand not wanting his company! I would ask them to stop inviting you together with Steve as you don’t really like his company.

Yes, because this would make so much more sense than simply not inviting the OP and her husband round for dinner if they don't enjoy their company.

Perhaps they imagined it went well the first time, and so now it see it as a trio to invite who will be thrilled to see each other.

Which is precisely why OP should say something, before it becomes the default.

It's not a sly dig - it's an alternate viewpoint to consider. For some reason, they are only inviting the OP and her DH along with this difficult annoying personage.

Perhaps they imagined it went well the first time, and so now it see it as a trio to invite who will be thrilled to see each other.

Perhaps they, as I suggested, are not as excited to see OP and husband on their own, for whatever reason.

I have zero idea of OP's skills at dinner parties!

Just pondering... imagine the couple invite OP and DP to the cinema. Is it acceptable to say "what film are you planning on watching? Sorry, DP hates horror films, but we'd love to see x or y which are both still on and we'd love to see if you do"? IMHO, yes, very much.

Why is the identity of other attendees different? If it was a massive party it would be hugely inappropriate to say "can I see the 200 person guest list before I answer", but "I'd love to come, but not if my ex-husband is invited, sorry!"

But a very small gathering / dinner is completely different.

From OP’s posts, it sounds like it’s the host couple, the OP & partner and Steve.
Why would you invite Steve in that scenario when he’s clearly a difficult guest and doesn’t appear to have anything in common with OP? That to me is weird and Steve is the gooseberry. It doesn’t sound remotely thoughtful or kind to include him.

If the party couple want to include ‘awkward Steve’, why don’t they invite a few more friends who are not couples and have a bigger event?

Conversely, I’ve invited my widowed friend C to a meal at ours with one other couple, but that’s because friend C is really into gardening and my couple friends are also heavily into gardening and won awards for their garden. DH is interested in gardening to an extent and I have zero interest in gardening and only want to sit out in it. Friend C had a lovely evening and now has two new friends who share her passion.

To all the people saying how their social life has taken a hit since being widowed, I'm very sorry for your losses 💐 but this thread is not about you.

The OP does not suggest anywhere that Steve is widowed, only that he doesn't have a lot of friends or family in the area. The fact that he is hard work and the fact that he doesn't have a lot of friends are not unrelated!

Let's imagine for a moment that instead of inviting Steve to these meet ups, the OP's friends were inviting another couple that the OP and her husband didn't really like. The responses would be completely different. People would be saying, pretty much unanimously, "Ask them whether Steve and Susie will be there, and if the answer is yes, explain that Steve and Susie aren't really your cup of tea and suggest meeting up separately."

The fact that Steve is single is really not the OP and her husband's problem. It would still not be their problem even if Steve had been widowed or divorced. It would of course be lovely of Steve's friends to ensure that they still see Steve and that he is not excluded from social events just because he no longer has a partner. But this would be something for Steve's actual friends to do, not his friends' friends. The fact that this couple are inviting Steve round when the OP and her husband are there, rather than just inviting Steve round on his own, suggests that they also find Steve hard work and are using the OP and her husband to dilute the Steve effect.

OP can have a conversation with her friend about how she finds Steve difficult, I just think it would be better to have it at a time that's unrelated to a pending invitation

I'm sorry your left out since you were widowed, but I'm sure your not boring or feeling sorry for yourself or rude.
I think this is what the op meant,
I'm sure if "Steve" wasn't so depressing they wouldn't mind him so much.

The fact that the OP's friends have chosen to socialise with Steve doesn't mean the OP and her husband should have to.

Of course you can't dictate, but it is perfectly acceptable to only accept the invitation if the event is something you wish to attend. Whether you wish to be blunt or subtle, whether you want to risk the friendship with the couple, those are secondary issues.

I've been in this situation, where friends often included a really rude and antisocial person in the group. He had no connection with any of the other guests, and would remain morosely silent, waiting for any small-talky, friendly remark and then say something crushing and apallingly rude. A little smirk would then appear on his face. I've never been sure whether the hosts were actually oblivious, or whether it did actually embarrass them - he must have had some hold over them!

We eventually cooled things with the couple since we had better things to do than be put down and insulted for our holidays!! 😃

I'd not stop going to see them, but if 'Steve' was rude again I wouldn't hold back. I'd give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it. It might bring things to a head and if he (or the hosts) look hurt, you could calmly explain how rude and hurtful his behaviour is.

That would sort of work had it been a compounded observation. Fuckit it, it wouldn't.

The OP made the couples reference as a separate observation in a separate paragraph.

I don’t think the OP did herself any favours with this comment, but in reality it’s a red herring. Steve being single isn’t the real problem. Steve is the problem.

It would be worse to turn up, find him there again, hate the whole evening and then start to dread invitations from the friends they actually want to see in case Steve’s there.

If the OP and her partner keep smiling and gritting their teeth, their friends will think they like Steve and keep including him in more and more events - maybe even ask to bring him along next time OP is hosting. It then becomes much more awkward to say “Sorry, we don’t want him in our house as we don’t like him and have only been putting up with him for your sake”.

No one wants to hear “We don’t like your choice of friends”. But better to hear that, put gently (no need to say “I can’t stand that Steve wanker”) than to wonder why Elliot and Sue have suddenly become busy every time you invite them over.

What on earth is the thing about needing it to be "couples". Its friends.. go if you want to , decline if you don't. You can't start monitoring who your friend invites to their own house events.

No, don’t say anything. He’s THEIR guest, not yours, and it’s not up to you who they invite into their home.
If you want to see them without Steve, meet them at yours.

THIS ⬇️

I saw that as secondary to (or simply a polite justification of) "but on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply."

They wouldn't invite a crashing bore over at the same time if they were that keen.

This. Amazed at the number of people who think you can have a veto over who your friends invite to their house.

Yes, you can make it subtly clear you won't come if he's there, but be absolutely sure it's worth it before you do, as you may find you're the ones invited less- since you're the ones being difficult.

Most of us have to deal with boring people or ones whose company we don't enjoy at social gatherings. It's not about the "be kind" mantra, but about recognising the world doesn't revolve around you and your preferences.

And sorry, but the couples comment has got people's backs up for good reason. In my experience, people who say this sort of thing are usually very young or very insecure, or both.

I didn't get invited to a "couples" night out recently with work colleagues. It sucked.

I'm not sure why my worth or the pleasure of my company depends on me bringing another person.