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Original poster

Surprise guest. Should we say something?

135 replies

breakdown98765 · 01/06/2025 23:48

We became good friends with a couple, a couple of years ago. However a few times we’ve been invited over, they have also had their other mate over. We’ll call him Steve.

One hand I feel bad as it’s evident that Steve doesn’t have many friends or family in the nearby area. I’ve also got my suspicions that he’s either depressed or got depressive tendencies.

But on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply.

The thing is, is when we’re invited over, we get the impression it’s just going to be us. To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

Should I mention something to my friend or just put up with potentially being Steve there?

OP posts:
OneNavySheep · 02/06/2025 20:24

.

Crole · 02/06/2025 17:47

breakdown98765 · 01/06/2025 23:48

We became good friends with a couple, a couple of years ago. However a few times we’ve been invited over, they have also had their other mate over. We’ll call him Steve.

One hand I feel bad as it’s evident that Steve doesn’t have many friends or family in the nearby area. I’ve also got my suspicions that he’s either depressed or got depressive tendencies.

But on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply.

The thing is, is when we’re invited over, we get the impression it’s just going to be us. To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

Should I mention something to my friend or just put up with potentially being Steve there?

Nah, life's too short for socialising with people like that. They might like him, which is great for them, but you have no obligation to sit and listen to his misery, especially when there's no interest in you both.

Agree with what other people have said, double check that it's just you next time. If you're close enough with your friends, ask them explicitly not to plan evening with all of you in the future because you don't glue.

nomas · 02/06/2025 17:21

Next time you see them ask your friend ‘Is Steve always like that?’ . That should start off a convo on why they keep inviting him.

And next time she invites you, ask if Steve will be there and if she says yes, say that you’ll give it a pass this time and see them another time.

Original poster
breakdown98765 · 02/06/2025 17:16

I think my annoyance is that we don’t get a heads up that Steve is going to be invited.

DF: What are you all up to on Friday?
Me: Nothing important. What’s the plan?
DF: Come over when you both finish work and we can get takeaway?
Me: Grand, I’ll bring the wine…

The idea of takeaway, wine and good company gets me through the slog of the end of the week and then bam, it’s miserable monologue Steve. I used the wrong wording before, it doesn’t change the vibe because it’s no longer a couple thing, it changes the vibe because Steve’s presence is like a lead weight. He takes over conversation to rant/overshare and everyone else peels away until you’re stuck hearing his woes whilst the others have a laugh in the other room/conversation.

I’m 90% sure that we’re used as the buffer. The first couple of times it happened I presumed he had just randomly popped by/had too much to drink… just has 3am conversations at 3pm with zero drink involved.

They're definitely not a throuple.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 16:59

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 14:53

Indeed. Maybe Standoffish Steve is a Stallion in the Sack.

(And look, I just wrote my first Take A Break-style headline.)

Show quote history

😁

Damn the funny emoji being removed.

ByTicklishGreenEagle · 02/06/2025 15:23

HeyWiggle · 02/06/2025 00:15

Time to have a separate girls night and a separate boys night.

Great so partner has 'to deal' with him lol???
Reminds me what was told my DP was like before we met.....pain in the butt but..everyone needs friends.....tbh 'steve' sounds like he needs one ( good friend )

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 02/06/2025 15:17

OMG do you mean he's "one of them"?
Single. Not in a couple. A social pariah.

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 14:53

BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 14:48

Maybe they’re a throuple?

Indeed. Maybe Standoffish Steve is a Stallion in the Sack.

(And look, I just wrote my first Take A Break-style headline.)

RawBloomers · 02/06/2025 14:52

shipofools · 02/06/2025 09:23

It's not a sly dig - it's an alternate viewpoint to consider. For some reason, they are only inviting the OP and her DH along with this difficult annoying personage.

Perhaps they imagined it went well the first time, and so now it see it as a trio to invite who will be thrilled to see each other.

Perhaps they, as I suggested, are not as excited to see OP and husband on their own, for whatever reason.

I have zero idea of OP's skills at dinner parties!

Show quote history

If you didn't intend it as a sly dig I can only suggest you look more carefully at how you communicate because the tone of your post is a sneering "maybe you aren't so great yourself".

You also haven't said what the point of the comment was. OP can't do anything about hosts who pretend to like her and invite her to dinner. She has no way to find out if your what you are suggesting here is true and it gives her no ideas for how to try and get herself out of the situation.

saraclara · 02/06/2025 14:49

DontReplyIWillLie · 02/06/2025 14:23

It does indeed suck that some people’s “friends” have pulled back because they’ve been widowed or have become single. It’s a crappy way to treat people.

But OP doesn’t want to ditch Steve as a friend because he’s become single. She never wanted him as a friend in the first place, regardless of his marital status. She shouldn’t feel obliged to “take him on” out of a sense of pity. And who wants to be invited somewhere out of obligation?

I get that. But part of her reason for resenting him being there was because he ruined the couple vibe. It might not have been the main reason for her resenting his presence, but I think we're entitled to pick her up on that part of her post, even if we're in agreement that he sounds irritating

BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 14:48

Maybe they’re a throuple?

Lazygardener · 02/06/2025 14:33

I've been in the position of having to tolerate someone socially whose only topic of conversation was themselves and their specific interests. No amount of re-direction could divert them and, having heard about, let's say, WW2 tanks for several hours, you do lose the will to live. So I don't think it is unreasonable to say that you would prefer to meet without Steve, though it is a bit narrow minded to only want to meet other couples.

DontReplyIWillLie · 02/06/2025 14:23

It does indeed suck that some people’s “friends” have pulled back because they’ve been widowed or have become single. It’s a crappy way to treat people.

But OP doesn’t want to ditch Steve as a friend because he’s become single. She never wanted him as a friend in the first place, regardless of his marital status. She shouldn’t feel obliged to “take him on” out of a sense of pity. And who wants to be invited somewhere out of obligation?

Original poster
breakdown98765 · 02/06/2025 14:19

Kitkatcatflap · 01/06/2025 23:54

It may be easier for you to invite them to yours. That's what I would do

We do, and luckily there’s never been any conversation about bringing Steve!

OP posts:
MoominMai · 02/06/2025 14:16

saraclara · 02/06/2025 00:34

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

I'm widowed. My social life is a shadow of what it used to be because of couples like you. It sucks more than I can say.

This. As a PP said OPs friends have gone up in my estimation. For whatever reason the friends don’t want to leave him out. You could always invite the couple over to yours as a couple.

StarDolphins · 02/06/2025 14:12

TomatoSandwiches · 01/06/2025 23:51

Next time they invite you ask if Steve is going to be there, if they say yes then politely decline, they'll get the message.

I could never do this! Even if I wanted to. Poor Steve!

Circless · 02/06/2025 14:09

Not a chance I wouldn't say something.

I would thank them for the invitation, tell them you really enjoy THEIR company. Ask is Steve coming?..., because he simply isn't someone you wish to spend time with. Tell them you perfectly understand if they wish to meet up some other time.

Leave the ball clearly in their court.
Not one chance I would spend an evening tolerating a pain in the arse....for anyone.

quanah · 02/06/2025 14:05

PullTheBricksDown · 01/06/2025 23:52

Maybe they invite you because Steve's already coming and it'll dilute him?

Say 'oh, it's your turn to come to us this time!' Then they can't just bring him. You'd hope.

no dont!they probably will bring him also

Empress13 · 02/06/2025 13:52

Invite them to you or meet in a pub trouble is they’ll probably rock up with Steve 😩

SillyMillie90 · 02/06/2025 13:50

Really want to change my username to Christmas Steve now ☺️

SillyMillie90 · 02/06/2025 13:49

AnysTractor · 02/06/2025 07:54

Wait until they invite you over e.g to a Xmas Eve Party.

You see Steve there and say with a smile on your face

“omg it’s Xmas Eve, not Xmas Steve!!”

then wish them all a merry Xmas, but turn on your heel and walk out the door!

This would definitely hammer the point home!

“OMG It’s Christmas Eve not Christmas Steve!”

I totally read this in Julia from Motherland’s voice! 😄

AnysTractor · 02/06/2025 13:40

Navyontop · 02/06/2025 13:36

I have an accidental friend. She went to college with one of my favourite friends and over the years we seem to have become a threesome, but to be honest I don’t particularly enjoy her company. She’s immature, self involved and very temperamental, I wish I’d said something 10 years ago.
I struggle to hangout with my friend alone, as she gets jealous and takes it very personally.
Back away now, say something or just keep declining invites but inviting them to yours or out.

To the people who say be kind… Life’s too short to voluntarily spend time with obnoxious strangers, obviously don’t be unkind, but also avoid interaction.

I agree totally with this

Navyontop · 02/06/2025 13:36

I have an accidental friend. She went to college with one of my favourite friends and over the years we seem to have become a threesome, but to be honest I don’t particularly enjoy her company. She’s immature, self involved and very temperamental, I wish I’d said something 10 years ago.
I struggle to hangout with my friend alone, as she gets jealous and takes it very personally.
Back away now, say something or just keep declining invites but inviting them to yours or out.

To the people who say be kind… Life’s too short to voluntarily spend time with obnoxious strangers, obviously don’t be unkind, but also avoid interaction.

toomuchfaff · 02/06/2025 12:23

whackamole666 · 02/06/2025 00:30

Poor Steve, he sounds a bit of a bore. However I don't think you can check if he's going then decline if they've invited him. That's really shitty.

No its not shitty.

Not everyone gets along, and if you're an insufferable bore, a belligerant ass, or a racist bigot, people wont like you.

It's not everyone elses responsibility to make sure you're included, its your responsibility to make sure you're not an insufferable bore, a belligerant ass, or a racist bigot....

Self awareness.

Sagepage · 02/06/2025 09:51

saraclara · 02/06/2025 00:34

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

I'm widowed. My social life is a shadow of what it used to be because of couples like you. It sucks more than I can say.

I am sorry to hear this. I found the same when I left my abusive ex.