Page 5 | Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

Brentinger · 2025-06-01T20:58:14+00:00

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ? If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta. It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

nomas · 02/06/2025 16:40

CurlewKate · 02/06/2025 14:51

Basically, this is just another mil bashing thread. And very tedious with it.

Well the MILs are certainly out in force to enforce their position.

Thankfully my own MIL is sensible and pragmatic.

UndermyShoeJoe · 02/06/2025 16:40

Bigfatsunandclouds · 02/06/2025 16:34

Do you have children? I'm assuming that you won't be concerned about their safety when travelling or text them when you haven't heard from them?

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Some of us have children than already travel near or over an hour to school. I don’t expect my child to text me to say he got to school.

Just like when he gets a bus again over an hour to visit friends I don’t check up on him that his got there or make him text to say his got to his girlfriends safely.

If he needs me he will contact me. If he doesn’t contact his fine. No news, is good news. Nothing to report all fine and dandy.

nomas · 02/06/2025 16:38

CurlewKate · 02/06/2025 16:14

That-to use a Mumsnet staple-sounds like a you-problem.

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What a weird response to that poster who simply talked about how hard it is remembering all these things to be mindful of, after your exhortations to put MILs ‘mind at rest’.

So is it only MILs that should have their ‘minds at rest’, then?

Cynic17 · 02/06/2025 16:35

Roselilly36 · 02/06/2025 10:08

My best friend even follows my flights, how sweet is that!

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It's not sweet at all. It's creepy and unnecessary.

Bigfatsunandclouds · 02/06/2025 16:34

Cynic17 · 02/06/2025 16:26

It's not about being "too busy". It's about not pandering to someone else's anxiety. It's also about being an adult enforcing some boundaries because absolutely nobody needs to be checked up.on.

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Do you have children? I'm assuming that you won't be concerned about their safety when travelling or text them when you haven't heard from them?

Bigfatsunandclouds · 02/06/2025 16:31

CurlewKate · 02/06/2025 14:51

Basically, this is just another mil bashing thread. And very tedious with it.

I fear you are right and I hope people's own children don't treat them with such contempt when they want to know they are safe. You don't stop being a parent and being concerned when your children reach 18, it's not a control thing it's care and love most of the time.

CantHoldMeDown · 02/06/2025 16:31

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Cynic17 · 02/06/2025 16:29

gannett · 02/06/2025 08:08

"It only takes a second" is such an annoying, wheedling way to guilt people into pandering to your anxiety. Most busy people have 100 things that "only take a second" on their to-do list and it's rude an intrusive to add another one that isn't even necessary.

I also don't understand it because I don't think I've ever once worried about a loved one who's journeying anywhere. I assume everyone is capable of getting from A to B or travelling around C safely because that's what happens 99% of the time (and the 1% where it wasn't was due to something so big that I heard about it on the news anyway). Driving a car or taking a train is such an utterly routine thing to do.

I don't consider it an expression of love to check up on someone going about something so ordinary, I consider it an expression of control - it's not that you seriously think my train home will have randomly veered off the tracks, it's that you want to ensure I'm still thinking about you.

This is perfect, and expresses the fundamental issue so much better than I ever could.

Cynic17 · 02/06/2025 16:26

AngelinaFibres · 01/06/2025 23:01

Such cold, nasty responses on this thread . Not one of you , especially if you are the passenger, is too busy to text 'home x'.Not bloody one single one of you is too busy for that.

It's not about being "too busy". It's about not pandering to someone else's anxiety. It's also about being an adult enforcing some boundaries because absolutely nobody needs to be checked up.on.

VickiFromAmsterdam · 02/06/2025 16:25

Cherrysherbet · 01/06/2025 22:25

My mum used to be like this. I found it irritating at times.
I lost her last year……now nobody cares if we arrive safely or not.

Mine too, I really miss all the messages that she used to leave on the answering machine 🌹

wordler · 02/06/2025 16:21

CloudPop · 01/06/2025 22:41

It’s the curse of the mobile phone. For older people, who get more anxious, the mobile is another avenue to feed their anxiety with tracking / texts etc.

Not necessarily - my family have always been a ‘let me know you got there/home safely’.

In the 70s and 80s when all
we had were landlines we would do a 3 rings and put the phone down so that it didn’t cost any money to do the check in!

If anyone went abroad there was a whole phone tree of reporting the safety of the arrival.

So I would phone my parents, they would then let grandmas know, grandmas would tell their sisters, they would then let cousins know. There was a time when my great aunt’s best friend was asking after my safe travel.

I didn’t realize quite how bonkers this was until I grew up and met people whose families didn’t have a clue when they travelled abroad. Through my 20s I had up to 10-12 people waiting to hear I had arrived safely or arrived home safely.

Now nearly all those people have died now so I’m down to just my Dad and DH.

Am trying a minor version with DSDs and DD but I think mobile phones make it easier not to worry because you know you’d hear quickly if there was an issue.

Colechester · 02/06/2025 16:21

This would drive me mad too. My mum would always ring at 8.00 am on the landline the morning after we had been on holiday to make sure we were home. Even if we had only got to bed at 4.00 am for example. Same if someone was ill. Could never be allowed to sleep in or sleep when you were ill because she rang and rang and rang. Made me always on edge. This was before mobiles, but she still continued it until she died. I miss my mum,but I’m glad the constant ringing has ended.

UndermyShoeJoe · 02/06/2025 16:20

cardibach · 02/06/2025 16:03

You must have really complicated and unpredictable journeys. Traffic aside I can usually estimate pretty accurately. I know there’ll be loo stops on a journey longer than about 2 hours, I know if it’s going over a meal time, I know if there’s something I plan to see on the way back. If I gave a time estimate I’d work that in anyway. It really wouldn’t need extra texts.

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I mean when coming home from places like wales or Dorset a should be 4-6hours can easily double if there is an accident or diversion meaning unplanned toilet stops, deciding to eat out rather than order in and being back after places like Sainsbury’s have closed and wanting milk. Plus we might plan to leave at 10am maybe then decide the weathers nice so not leave till 2pm means we have already the started the whole how’s the drive, any traffic…

As I said my parents expect no news is good news and I’ll because I see something pretty or a funny sign snap it across. Not out of obligation but ooo look at this view, seas lovely and clear, not a we are located here right now at this time.

Mil wants upto date when where why she doesn’t want a home now because she thought we should have left already. She will even send across the local to us weather to warn us of things despite us being the ones actually there. Then once a we have arrived goes across that’s an instant video call. She needs to see where we are a tour of accommodation or whatever.

minnienono · 02/06/2025 16:18

I don’t ask my dd to do this but she does it automatically going back to base, ironically it is one of the few places where if she didn’t turn up by midnight/8am they would contact me as her named nok if she’s back on shift as it’s awol!

BoudiccaRuled · 02/06/2025 16:15

boxtop · 01/06/2025 23:21

MIL makes us do this - a quick "home safe", I can deal with, but yesterday we had:

MIL: "Are you home yet?"
Me: "No, almost though, we stopped for dinner at [location less than an hour from home]. Was lovely to see you! x"
(20 mins later)
MIL: "HOME?"
Me: "Just pulling into the village now, yay!"
MIL: "Good, bet DS is tired!"
Me: smiley face
(1 hour later...)
MIL: HOME? xx (sent to me and DH)
(10 mins later)
MIL: HOME? xx (sent to me and DH)
DH: Yes, sorry, thought boxtop already said we were back in the village!
MIL: But I didn't know you'd made it actually home

He thinks she's being controlling and difficult. She is not my mum so I couldn't possibly comment.

They live a 2hr drive away down normal A-roads btw.

I'd just reply, "not yet" FOREVER. Days and days would go by and I'd say we still weren't home.
"It's complicated, no time to explain."

cardibach · 02/06/2025 16:14

NoKnit · 02/06/2025 16:14

My in-laws are the same. It really annoys me as once we've had a long journey with kids we've usually got to carry them to bed asleep or in the old days change nappies etc. No time for texting. Infuriating

Do that then text?

CurlewKate · 02/06/2025 16:14

BangersAndGnash · 02/06/2025 16:03

I agree with this in theory.

But it sets something off in me.

These days I seem to be required, by the Law of Be Kind to address every irrational anxiety of friends and family. It feels like death by a thousand emotional micro burdens.

I do it, I try and do it as a 5 second emotionally neutral job, but I see it as irrational anxiety haven’t mastered my own response to these ‘arrived safely’ messages, and every outing with friends adjusted to allow for newly acquired claustrophobia, vertigo (ditto), food regimes, mythical infection risks, not being out after dark etc etc.

It is exhausting!

When might people be expected to take responsibility for their own irrational anxieties?

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That-to use a Mumsnet staple-sounds like a you-problem.

NoKnit · 02/06/2025 16:14

My in-laws are the same. It really annoys me as once we've had a long journey with kids we've usually got to carry them to bed asleep or in the old days change nappies etc. No time for texting. Infuriating

cardibach · 02/06/2025 16:14

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I don’t understand why you think people who communicate more than you do are less independent.

CantHoldMeDown · 02/06/2025 16:12

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nomas · 02/06/2025 16:11

MummytoE · 02/06/2025 16:09

Where does it say the son ( op husband) doesn't like it? In fact if he's giving his mum info in the first place I would guess he does

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Ok then, because he’s not being asked, it’s OP. and she doesn’t like it, so it should be stopped. They can ask their son.

cardibach · 02/06/2025 16:11

nomas · 02/06/2025 16:05

It’s not care from MIL if she knows her son and OP don’t like it.

Odd that you’re advocating lying. Much better to be honest and say that you can’t be expected to remember to text after every journey and that it’s an unfair expectation.

My elderly mum goes for a walk daily and as she no longer has good mobility, we asked if she would take her mobile with her in case she had a fall.

She said she would prefer not to.

And that’s her choice, I won’t bother her about it repeatedly, which is what you and others are fine with MIL doing to OP.

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I’m not ok with badgering. I just think refusing to do it is unnecessary. I think your mum is being silly and unnecessarily difficult too.

cardibach · 02/06/2025 16:10

YellowCamperVan · 02/06/2025 16:05

YANBU, this would drive me mad! They're shunting their anxiety onto you to manage. It isn't okay.

It’s. Not. Always. Anxiety.
It’s just normal communication.
(I’ve agreed the checking call 10 mins after eta would be OTT)

MummytoE · 02/06/2025 16:09

nomas · 02/06/2025 16:05

It’s not care from MIL if she knows her son and OP don’t like it.

Odd that you’re advocating lying. Much better to be honest and say that you can’t be expected to remember to text after every journey and that it’s an unfair expectation.

My elderly mum goes for a walk daily and as she no longer has good mobility, we asked if she would take her mobile with her in case she had a fall.

She said she would prefer not to.

And that’s her choice, I won’t bother her about it repeatedly, which is what you and others are fine with MIL doing to OP.

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Where does it say the son ( op husband) doesn't like it? In fact if he's giving his mum info in the first place I would guess he does

cardibach · 02/06/2025 16:09

BangersAndGnash · 02/06/2025 16:03

I agree with this in theory.

But it sets something off in me.

These days I seem to be required, by the Law of Be Kind to address every irrational anxiety of friends and family. It feels like death by a thousand emotional micro burdens.

I do it, I try and do it as a 5 second emotionally neutral job, but I see it as irrational anxiety haven’t mastered my own response to these ‘arrived safely’ messages, and every outing with friends adjusted to allow for newly acquired claustrophobia, vertigo (ditto), food regimes, mythical infection risks, not being out after dark etc etc.

It is exhausting!

When might people be expected to take responsibility for their own irrational anxieties?

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You could start with your own irrational anxiety and irritation about doing something that’s been a norm for years - back to 3 rings on the landline.