Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

I really do feel for people with anxiety and I have nothing against a quick "home safe", but I think some of us on this thread are talking at cross purposes. I can only speak for my family's experience but DH's mum, who chases us several times for the "home safe" text before we are even home, has never mentioned being anxious. He used to travel all over the world for work and she barely noticed. It's more a politeness thing for her - it's that she thinks it's rude if we don't text so she chases up multiple times to see if we're being rude or not.

Edit: Well, I say "to see if we're being rude" but it's me she texts, and copies DH in if I don't reply quickly enough

It’s not disordered to have a passing interest in the wellbeing of your family when they go on a long or unusual trip.

It's the opposite of kind to feed it, because it fuels the anxiety and keeps it going. Kind would be to not feed it, so the PIL will either get treatment or find ways to manage their own anxiety. Saying it's kind to offer that reassurance is like saying it's kind for a nurse friend to tell a sibling with health anxiety their rash isn't skin cancer for the tenth time that week. It isn't. It fuels the disorder.

Same. It’s not anxiety. I mean, it is fr some cases I guess, but the determination on this thread that anyone who gives a shit that their family have a nice trip home/away is quivering with anxiety is most odd.
I care about DD (and others). It’s a normal part of communication to have a vague idea that they’ve completed travel and are ok.

I am about as anxious as a potato. I still like to know my adult children are safely home.

Before mobile phones my mother would ask me to phone and let it ring 3 times to signal I was home. I think it's an easy thing to do to put their mind at rest.

It's totally unkind to do this because it feeds their anxiety and makes it worse.
How can you not see this?

I want to understand how much of your private business is shared with PIL. A quick car journey to the shops, or a family day out when they are not involved? Does your DP share this information with them to this level? A holiday, long flight or a journey back from them is different.

In my own experience of anxiety over 40 years, unfortunately it never really goes away despite withdrawal of reassurance.
If the PIL in question is reasonably ‘old’ it will be the same for them.
As this is family I am inclined to be pleasant!!

The thing is though reassurance doesn't help in the long term, if someone genuinely has an anxiety disorder. Part of the "treatment" is to reduce reassurance seeking behaviours. It may seem "kind" to reassure a highly anxious person, but it creates more issues if they then become dependent on that external reassurance and therefore less able to use any of their own resources to tolerate uncertainty.

Yes - I think in that case it's OTT - tracking the time and starting to worry at the exact ETA definitely seems anxiety driven.

I think you'll have to resort to managing her expectations by not giving her an ETA. Saying you might be doing various things on the way home but will let her know you are home safely sometime before bedtime / x-time.

@Brentinger Well perhaps you are lucky enough never to experience anxiety about any subject matter.
If a family member albeit an in law does suffer from this horrible mental illness then surely, out of kindness it’s no problem to give reassurance.
It could be that you will worry about car journeys when your children are grown up & then you’ll understand.
Regarding your DC, surely it’s nice to teach them to be kind & not adopt the ‘It’s not my problem’ stance.

Every time you travel - what counts as travel? Driving to town 20 mins away? International flight?

Years ago I had to phone DM house number, let it ring twice, then hang up! She knew I’d arrived safely. No idea why/when it stopped though!

That does seem a little extreme!

You say that like it’s a good thing.

When everyone in your family does it, it doesn't feel like a burden.

I think there's a difference though between it being a voluntary family custom or norm, and someone demanding it for reassurance of OTT anxiety. That's when it does start to become an obligation and potentially a burden.

I don't feel anxious about my Dad travelling home after visiting me but it's nice getting a little text saying he's arrived etc. I wouldn't be checking the clock and worrying that he didn't text the second he was supposed to arrive. But as it's our custom to text I'd probably check in with him if he didn't text before the end of the day.

It's nice to know where your family are and how they are doing. Feel like there's two camps on here - those who grew up with 'check ins' and those who didn't.

When everyone in your family does it, it doesn't feel like a burden.

I’ve said the joining for a few minutes lateness is OTT. I can assure you it’s not anxiety and often forget DD is even travelling until I get a message that she’s arrived. It’s just normal
communication

I think it depends on why. If someone is so anxious they start texting or phoning if you’re ten mins late, or wanting constant updates throughout the journey then I’m not sure it’s helpful to feed that anxiety.
My son had literally texted ten mins ago to say landed safely, hotel is fab just going to dinner.

I wasn’t in the least worried but nice to hear.

Because that’s the best way to treat family….

Caring about family is keeping in touch, socialising, remembering important events etc.

Can you not see how it's anxiety driven to need to be 100% certain every time your child travels a distance they got there on time, and to have to reach out to satisfy that need if they're more than ten minutes 'out'? I would have thought it's quite clearly problematic anxiety, for someone to jump to 'if they're more than 10m late something awful must have happened I'll ring them and check'?

What does MIL think has happened? A horrible fiery car crash? What other concerning reason could there be for being a bit late? It's odd that she doesn't just surmise that they stopped off for a coffee or had an extra nappy change or pulled over to let the baby nap or left a bit late or literally any mundane thing?

The expectation of having to check in would drive me up the wall, but I'm lucky to have parents that don't assume the worse will happen during every trip, and who trust me as a grown adult to reach out if I need help or handle it myself, and trust me that I can get to my destination without needing to remember to inform them, because they don't see themselves as my keepers or see me as weak and incapable.

It's just all very bizarre honestly, and I guess people who have grown up with those kinds of expectations don't find it suffocating or odd, however from the outside, it certain is suffocating and odd. And doing MIL no favours honestly in the long run to keep fuelling her anxiety with reassurance, thus perpetuating her anxiety cycle. She's a grown adult that can choose to learn better ways of managing her anxiety. Clearly it bothers OP.