Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

You can share your trips (we're off to France at Easter!) and your highs and lows (Got here yesterday, view is lovely but Millie was sick on the plane) without either feeding anxiety or being in someone's pocket.

This is so true.

My Mum is like this, very anxious by nature. I find it suffocating and in all honesty I don’t think it’s helping her by texting or calling. If you do forget she gets even worse.

I won’t explain logistics but I returned from her house once and went straight into a work meeting. She called four times whilst I was in the meeting and by the time I had finished (30mins), my brother had also called as she had been phoning him to see if he’d heard from me. She thinks it’s caring but it’s actually an anxiety problem.

I agree with those saying it's another thing to remember. If you're someone who wouldn't naturally do it, it's worse to reluctantly agree and then forget to do it. That really would give the in laws something to worry about.

Your husband is entitled to share with his parents whatever info he chooses. You don't get to control that. If them caring about you is so annoying then delete their numbers and leave all communication up to your husband.

It's actually impacting on your safety imo. Imagine you're stuck behind an accident and need to concentrate or by the side of the road tending to a child who's vomited in the car, and there's bloody MIL calling your phone non stop.

I hate this, because its yet another thing I have to remember to do, it adds to the mental load. It's also completely potty for people to demand this simply because I've been with them that day, when I travel around every other day and they have no idea about it. And what exactly are they going to do if I don't get home safe? Come and pull me from the wreckage themselves? It's totally illogical.

I know that will probably make me sound awful to those on here that like their loved ones to check in. When I remember, I will usually send a message unprompted just to say "home now, thanks for a lovely day" or something like that, but I find it smothering and demanding when someone insists on it.

Perhaps he loves his parents and appreciates their interest in your family news and doesn’t see a problem with it? Perhaps he’s a kind person who understands that as people get older their lives sometimes shrink (especially if they've retired from work) so they have less to focus on? Perhaps he thinks your attitude is unnecessarily unkind?

You need to stop answering those calls and texts. Her anxiety should not be impinging upon your lives.

It’s sweet. Be grateful that people care about you. If it’s just a message why can’t you ping back ‘Got here safely Sue x’. No one is too busy to send that. I get that a call might be irritating, but don’t answer, and send the message.

I think this is a pretty common thing to do.

I wouldn’t be replying to any more of these messages ever. If your partner wants to overshare he can deal with the fallout and the messages.

Send one message saying quite clearly that you find the messages intrusive and won’t be replying in future and then silence the messages. This is his problem.

Add extra time to your estimate as suggested.

I have a bit of sympathy for them, especially if someone known to them has died in a car crash. Also whilst you are probably one of the better drivers, remember that many should not have a licence because of their conduct behind the wheel or medical reasons.

Agree with the poster above who noted where most crashes are relative to home.

This would drive me crazy. It makes me feel claustrophobic just reading some of these. I communicate a lot with my parents and we care about each other enormously but I cannot imagine doing this. My daughter’s journey to school takes about 40mins I never expect her to tell me she has arrived safely. My commute takes about the same time. What is the agreed length of trip that requires a check in with parents? What about trips to the supermarket? Most accidents happen close to people’s homes!

if someone is generally anxious I’m not sure feeding it is helpful.

If you’re all in daily contact you don’t need to, do you! I doubt very much whether OP is in daily contact with her PIL.

Reassurance-seeking makes anxiety worse. You see it all the time on here about e.g. health anxiety. In the long run it's not good to feed the desire for reassurance.

I hate this too like being checked up on. I’m an adult. Sure I’m going four hours away but maybe I see something on the way and want to stop off.

No news is good news. Police would soon be calling if something had happened.

If I’ve gone somewhere with a view I’ll snap a photo and send it because I want to share not a duty check in.

My parents are very much unless told otherwise everything is ok. MIL is oh I heard it’s going to be windy, going to be raining. Drive careful let me know when you set off when you stop when you get there. Show me the accommodation. What time are you leaving to come back.

I would make it a fun thing, share a selfie of you on your toilet, a photo of your dinner in the oven, but I do find it nice that they care enough to check

That would drive me mad too. I also don’t like the implication here that it’s an inevitably of a loving family. My family are close, loving, caring and we are all in daily contact and we have never provided status updates from journeys of any length. It would never occur to me to send such a message so for me it’s just something else to remember.

My parents do this, it's because they love me. There's worse issues in life!

Yes, imagine being in horrific crash at the start of your holiday and not one person noticed that you're missing until you didn't turn up to work or the kids didn't turn up for school. How sad!

But now we have to scorn those who actually care about us and we're no longer allowed to speak to anyone regarding anything because that's oversharing!!

The world has gone mad!! 🤣

Depends on your relationship really. I do this with my parents but then they don’t message if we’re ten minutes late 😆 that seems a bit much!

Many elderly people are like this and they are obviously not going to start going to therapy or take medication for it. "Pandering" to their anxiety is exactly what you just have to do and just keep them happy.

Reducing the number of times you feed their anxiety is therapy. It's very easy and much the kindest thing to do.

Sorry but I think you’re being selfish. I understand about not wanting to be tracked, but a quick message to reassure people who love you that you’ve arrived home safely after a long journey really wouldn’t hurt you. Many elderly people (and some younger but anxious people) do worry about such things, perhaps because their world has shrunk so much they don’t have enough to occupy their minds.

I have always said if there is a problem I will be in touch.

Saying that doesn’t help your mother or grandmother - if you’d been involved in a serious traffic accident on your way home you wouldn’t be texting your mother immediately to tell her, would you!

After 5 hours in the car I have stuff to do.

So much stuff that it would be a real problem for you to spend 30 seconds putting your mother's and grandmother's minds at ease? Really? Your mention of unpacking, washing, Ocado just makes me think you're protesting too much because you know you’re being unkind.

Haha yeah. My parents are the same and it drives me up the wall but I would never think of speaking about them way OP does about her MIL. The world doesn't revolve around your own needs. Many elderly people are like this and they are obviously not going to start going to therapy or take medication for it. "Pandering" to their anxiety is exactly what you just have to do and just keep them happy.

Would much rather be in a family that is slightly overprotective compared to one who literally doesn't give a shit about you. There are plenty of PILs who don't even know or care that they have a grandchild, let alone give a toss about you getting in a car accident whilst on holiday.