Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

Brentinger · 2025-06-01T20:58:14+00:00

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ? If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta. It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

CrazyGoatLady · 07/06/2025 07:46

toastofthetown · 07/06/2025 04:39

For me the reason I wouldn’t want to start an expectation of texting on arrival is that I know I’d forget a significant amount of the time. It’s not a time commitment issue. Especially now I have a baby. It’s just not part of my routine and there’s often things to do when you arrive somewhere that by the time they’re done, I’ve mentally moved on from my ‘just arrived’ mentality and so the text doesn’t get sent. If my family wanted me to message them out of concern, they’d have more concern because of my forgetfulness.

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This is why I don't do it. By the time we get home, unload the car, see to the dogs, etc, I'm in "doing things" mode. When the kids were younger (both autistic), they liked to have routines when they got home from a trip that would help them feel settled back in. We often have to go check on the other animals after a trip too, if it's not too late.

CurlewKate · 07/06/2025 05:50

DolefullySingingMotherfucka · 07/06/2025 04:57

Stuff that. I'm an adult and not on an electronic tag. I don't have to account to anyone for my movements.

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Neither do I.

DolefullySingingMotherfucka · 07/06/2025 04:57

CurlewKate · 02/06/2025 13:53

So they send another text saying “we’re stopping off for a meal-we’ll be later than we said. Home around 7”

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Stuff that. I'm an adult and not on an electronic tag. I don't have to account to anyone for my movements.

CurlewKate · 07/06/2025 04:54

VaughanMorgan · 06/06/2025 16:03

It’s not always about safety or anxiety. I send a more general “How was your journey?”
Meaning any hold ups on public transport,any obnoxious commuters (lol), any traffic jams, and so on. To be replied to at leisure or not at all. Not a biggy

But anything like that requires a reply. Far more time consuming and intrusive than sending a “Home safe x”message.

toastofthetown · 07/06/2025 04:39

CurlewKate · 06/06/2025 16:09

Of course there are. But when we’re talking a task that takes 5 seconds that will make someone’s life a little happier, I just can’t see why you wouldn’t do it. I’d do it for a stranger, never mind a family member! Even if that family member is a MIL. Which I suspect is at the bottom of this…..

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For me the reason I wouldn’t want to start an expectation of texting on arrival is that I know I’d forget a significant amount of the time. It’s not a time commitment issue. Especially now I have a baby. It’s just not part of my routine and there’s often things to do when you arrive somewhere that by the time they’re done, I’ve mentally moved on from my ‘just arrived’ mentality and so the text doesn’t get sent. If my family wanted me to message them out of concern, they’d have more concern because of my forgetfulness.

cardibach · 06/06/2025 19:12

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Yes it had. It’s nonsense. Vague concern isn’t anxiety.

CantHoldMeDown · 06/06/2025 18:41

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cardibach · 06/06/2025 17:22

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Concern is not anxiety. Stop medicalising normal human feeling.
Edit: I’ve said repeatedly that the OP’s MiL is OTT. That’s not the situation for the vast majority of people who do this.

CantHoldMeDown · 06/06/2025 17:18

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UndermyShoeJoe · 06/06/2025 16:48

VaughanMorgan · 06/06/2025 16:03

It’s not always about safety or anxiety. I send a more general “How was your journey?”
Meaning any hold ups on public transport,any obnoxious commuters (lol), any traffic jams, and so on. To be replied to at leisure or not at all. Not a biggy

I like that. It’s asking without making someone feel they are being checked up on.

Hope you’re having fun, hope the traffic wasn’t bad, bet you can’t wait to sleep in your own bed lol all just open the conversion.

Rather than a you have to let me know once you’ve arrived and ill keep asking till you’ve told me you are there.

CurlewKate · 06/06/2025 16:09

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Of course there are. But when we’re talking a task that takes 5 seconds that will make someone’s life a little happier, I just can’t see why you wouldn’t do it. I’d do it for a stranger, never mind a family member! Even if that family member is a MIL. Which I suspect is at the bottom of this…..

VaughanMorgan · 06/06/2025 16:03

It’s not always about safety or anxiety. I send a more general “How was your journey?”
Meaning any hold ups on public transport,any obnoxious commuters (lol), any traffic jams, and so on. To be replied to at leisure or not at all. Not a biggy

cardibach · 06/06/2025 15:36

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Something you think is an indication of anxiety. Opinions differ unless it’s clinical.

CantHoldMeDown · 06/06/2025 15:28

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GreenCandleWax · 06/06/2025 15:22

Just tell her/them that you don't want to do this! Its simple really - just tell them. They will probably be relieved themselves deep down but may feel they should ask as it appears caring.

cardibach · 06/06/2025 15:17

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All the other people who have said it if you have read the thread. Plus common sense. Where’s your evidence for it being anxiety? Or is it just your opinion touted as fact?
Edit in response to your reply to @CurlewKate referencing me - most people aren’t madly anxious. I think we can agree that. So why would this fairly normal behaviour (normal enough that saying ‘three rings’ to pretty much anyone of a certain age has a clear meaning) be fuelled by anxiety?

CantHoldMeDown · 06/06/2025 14:49

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CurlewKate · 06/06/2025 14:42

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Well, as I said before-I like to know when my adult children are safe home and I am as anxious as a cabbage.

But, setting that aside, I can’t imagine circumstances where I would deliberately not do something that took me 5 seconds and eased an anxious person’s mind.

CantHoldMeDown · 06/06/2025 14:22

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cardibach · 06/06/2025 13:13

Dontlletmedownbruce · 06/06/2025 10:46

This may not be a popular opinion but I have a big issue with people making their anxiety everyone else's problem. I know it's horrible for the anxious person but its their affliction and not for others to constantly manage. Plus it's ineffective anyhow as they just find something else to be anxious about moments later.

For the 1836648291647926275940th time on this thread.
It’s. Not. Anxiety.
It is for some. For most it’s not.

cardibach · 06/06/2025 13:12

TorroFerney · 06/06/2025 10:40

No that’s not right, love isn’t that, love is letting them go , that’s what we are teaching kids from day one to be separate people.

my parents aren’t like this, don’t think they give a fuck actually! Which is odd as I was horrifically parentified and enmeshed with my mum. She had to have her emotions soothed and managed by me at all times from being very young but suppose this wasn’t one of her hang ups.

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Letting them go doesn’t mean stopping caring. What an odd viewpoint.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 06/06/2025 10:46

This may not be a popular opinion but I have a big issue with people making their anxiety everyone else's problem. I know it's horrible for the anxious person but its their affliction and not for others to constantly manage. Plus it's ineffective anyhow as they just find something else to be anxious about moments later.

TorroFerney · 06/06/2025 10:40

MummytoE · 02/06/2025 18:30

Or caring about your family could come from, I don't know, loving them? Or taking an interest in their lives? If people can't see that it probably says something about their upbringing

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No that’s not right, love isn’t that, love is letting them go , that’s what we are teaching kids from day one to be separate people.

my parents aren’t like this, don’t think they give a fuck actually! Which is odd as I was horrifically parentified and enmeshed with my mum. She had to have her emotions soothed and managed by me at all times from being very young but suppose this wasn’t one of her hang ups.

winnieanddaisy · 04/06/2025 21:14

We , as a family have never done this . No news is good news . If anyone in the family had a car crash or something then I’m sure someone would let me know . The only person I have a tracker on is my dog because she is an escape artist 😂

DildoSaggins · 03/06/2025 12:01

Is it really too much trouble to send a very quick short text to someone who worries to let them know you are home safe? I mean, honestly, it takes moments of your precious life and could stop someone from worrying.

Be bloody grateful that you actually have someone that cares enough about you to want to know you are safe.