Cleaner threw away/moved/stole my secret booze stash

OP, I think how you were reared is really affecting what you think is normal or not around alcohol. You saw your father taking a bottle of wine for himself to drink away from everyone. And what you took from that is don't show your children that you drink alcohol, don't drink alcohol in front of them.

But in actual fact you are replicating how your father drank - in his room on his own. I don't think you are an alcoholic or even that you have a problem with drinking but you do have a disordered view of what is normal.

My mum - and her entire family - was teetotal my dad would have a pint once a week at his local. I never saw him drunk. We had a drinks cupboard in our sideboard with whisky, vodka and sherry (this was pre-wine days) - for the get together where someone would like a drink. No one thought about it. No one worried about it.

I'd take a moment to think about how you want to mirror drinking alcohol to your dd. Is it a secret guilty pleasure you hide or something normal and controlled that happens every now and then.

I was once at a meeting at work where we were discussing how to communicate something and someone said "do we have to tell people?" and the communications person said "well if we can't tell people we are doing it, should we be doing it??"

What is wrong with drinking in front of DD? Secret drinking is more likely to cause a problem than it being a normal, unenciting thing that DM and DD do.
And the cleaners probably thought the bottles were for throwing away - who hides bottles behind patio shutters, it's either weird or worrying.

I will just go back to not buying it then I think

That’s not really the answer. You need to look at your own attitude to drinking, to dealing with stressful times, to finding a bit of peace in the day. Otherwise it’s just more slamming the lid down and denying there is anytime to see it deal with.

These books/websites could be a good starting place for you;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1558749527/ref=tmmpapswatch0

https://nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/for-adults/

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz-ebook/dp/B07Q72P5M8?ref=astauthormpb

@Dubaichocisbetterthanexpected have you had any therapy about yiur childhood and how your Dads drinking has affected you.

because no I don’t think you are an alcoholic I do think you have some disordered thinking around it that is potentially harmful.

I don't think you sound like an alcoholic OP. But I do think you are being OTT about your child's awareness of it. I think it's good that you model a healthy approach to alcohol consumption as she grows up.

I’d have to wonder why you’re protesting so vehemently, @JemimaPiddlepot ?
Is it touching a nerve?

You can develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol at any time in your life, after decades of not drinking, whilst hating alcohol and the damage it does. None of that protects you.

One of the biggest factors in an unhealthy relationship with alcohol is denial. You dad is in denial, and you sound to be a bit in denial. Not saying that you are an alcoholic in denial, but that your are acting in denial about how and why you do drink - hiding bottles is part of that.

It might help to ditch the word “alcoholic”. ‘Alcohol use disorder’ is the term used increasingly and is more useful in describing the range of behaviours that are all damaging.

An occasional drink on the balcony at sunset doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic. OP says she barely drinks.

I’m a recovering alcoholic and this is exactly what I used to do. I had a special place outside where I’d often drink away from the kids and where I’d hide the alcohol and the empties.

This isn’t normal behaviour at all. Normal people who don’t have drinking problems store their alcohol in the house and their empties in the recycling bin. I suspect the cleaner found them, thinks someone in the house has a drinking problem and felt too embarrassed to say anything (as a cleaner she will have seen this so many times), and just put them in the bin to avoid having to mention it to you.

Drinking it no. Hiding it the way you are yes. Your reactions and thought processes around this are off

There are several of us with experience of alcoholism who are all saying the same thing. We’re not telling her for fun, she needs help before it escalates.

So warm cider off the balcony, is your drink of the day…

They thought it was rubbish I think. Leftovers from a party perhaps.

You're under stress and drinking as a reaction

You're hiding it

You're minimising it.

It would happen now because of the stressors in your life.

If I suddenly started drinking twice a week in response to stress, hiding it and beingirrqtionally annoyed at the cleaner clearing it away id be concerned.

I also have an aversion to drinking at home.

So I don't.

I put things by doors that are ready to be taken to the bin. I would assume it was forgotten rubbish if left by a door. N

A couple of posts on an anonymous forum. I’d love to hear you tell a doctor that that’s all that’s required to diagnose a serious illness.

I would text /contact the cleaner and ask if they moved the items from X place? Make it polite and casual. If they say no then ask your DP.

It's much, much healthier for your DD to see you have an occasional (or even regular) drink in moderation than to hide alcohol, ever.

Not wanting her to see you drunk is reasonable, but that's very different to having a cider every few days.

May be you feel worried about where the boundary is and that your drinking could escalate at some point? Even so, making moderate drinking a secret is dysfunctional. And what happens when DD is old enough to find the bottles herself?

My dad was an alcoholic so I do understand your concerns, at least partly. But if you don't work out your own feelings and issues around alcohol and how your dad's drinking affected you, then you're going to pass on a disordered attitude to drink to your DD. (Calling it your "peaceful time" is a bit of a red flag.)

You might find NACOA helpful:

nacoa.org.uk/

Your odd behaviour and secret drinking is definitely worse than your DC seeing alcohol in the home. Kindly, you need to address what you think and act this way.

I doubt is anything to do with the cleaners- I’ve never had a cleaner throw anything out even if it could be garbage. If it’s them, it’s most likely moved if that.
i agree your view of drinking is on the disordered side. There’s a big range between what your dad did and what you’re trying to do. Get help.

She's keeping it secret from her DP too. Otherwise she would have asked him about it.