Cleaner threw away/moved/stole my secret booze stash

Yes it's ok, this is what most people do, I only really drink on occasion when I'm out, but we have wine at home, for guests, very occasionally DH and I still open a bottle especially in this weather in the garden in the evening. DH will have a beer or two a couple of times a month. None of this is hidden from ds, because of isn't shameful to drink and it doesn't need to be hidden.

Wanting a cold cider on the balcony every now and then is perfectly normal, what isn't is the hiding of it. If you want your daughter to grow up with normal attitudes to alcohol she needs to it can have a normal, infrequent, casual place in adult life and understand that drinking in moderation is fine if that's what someone chooses. Banning alcohol from the house, then hiding and drinking warm cider crates the opposite perspective and she will notice at some point.

This. The shame is on the zealots who have had a problem with alcohol and think it gives them the ability to diagnose it in others. OP is over protective of her DD because of what she witnessed as a child. I think she just needs to realise that she’s not her dad, doesn’t drink to excess, and that it’s perhaps healthier to let her DD see her having the odd drink - thus forging her own healthier relationship with alcohol in the future.

Yup.

Happens frequently. Especially with alcohol or food.

There was an obviously intended to be lightheaded thread a while ago with a poster asking if she was unreasonable to be offended that the Tesco worker pressed 'clearly over 25' on the self-serve checkout when she was buying a bottle of wine. Cue dozens of posters saying 'it's 9am, you're buying wine at 9am? That's worrying OP'. Not that the OP said it had literally just happened before she started the thread at 9am in any case! And even if it did, people sometimes buy wine in the morning with the rest of their shopping and it's for that evening or the weekend.

I've seen threads asking is the poster unreasonable to be pissed off that her DP /kids ate her special birthday chocolates they'd been saving will lead to a chorus of 'you seem really upset about this, do you always hoard food? Do you think you might eat too much? Do you think you might have a problem with food?

Always with the snarky, superior tone.

But the issue is that people are flagging this as potential alcoholism. That is insane.

Other posters have pointed out, calmly and sensibly, that the OP’s father’s behaviour has had a profound effect on her view of alcohol. It’s no coincidence that she sees drinking as something that has to be covered up; something shameful. THIS is what OP needs to address.

The people suggesting this is somehow a sign of alcohol dependence, when in reality the OP is drinking small amounts of a low alcohol product, are not just being ridiculous - they’re causing harm to someone in a difficult position.

Do you not think it’s odd to keep opened cider on a balcony, not in a fridge?

I mean it’s not really a drink to drink warm is it?

Doesn’t mean alcoholic but definitely a strange set up.

God almighty, the amount of holier than thou mumsnetters on here. Wringing their hands in anguish & this woman’s ’alcoholism’. This place is so weird sometimes. 🙄

So it wouldn't actually be an issue but you still hide your alcohol. And still hide the fact that you drink (what sounds like) perfectly normal acceptable levels of driving from her. And you've said you don't buy alcohol but you clearly do, and you've said you don't have it in the house, but you have it just outside...... that's just not normal.

A previous poster advised you that have a unhealthy attitude to alcohol and you would benefit from counselling and you dismissed it as being harsh. They didn't actually say you drank too much. They didn't say you were unreasonable for drinking 3 drinks a week to relax. But I 100% agree with them. You are making excuses and hiding your drinking. You're saying "I don't want my child to see my drinking" but in reality what issue are you trying to prevent? You're still drinking, but choosing to do it in secret instead away from them. There's still the same amount of alcohol going into the parent no? Can't you see that it's a slippery slope and you're acting so oddly about it is cause for concern? Its just not normal. I think you really do need counselling to realign your views on what's normal with alcohol to more realistic ones. Not necessarily your fault with your family history but your relationship with drinking isn't healthy.

It isn’t alcohol absorbing too much of her head space. It’s the childhood memories of seeing her alcoholic father the worse for drink, and not wanting her DD to see her drinking even small amounts as a result. And that’s all. OP didn’t post because she thinks she has an alcohol problem, she posted for advice on something entirely different. She’s spending time posting about her relationship with alcohol because she’s being gaslighted into thinking she has a problem with it. MN threads on alcohol inevitably descend into finger pointing and judgement because they attract those who have, or have had, problems with alcohol and who think that makes them sufficiently qualified to diagnose it in others. It doesn’t.

OP I don’t drink but I don’t see what you’re doing is wrong. Having a small drink a couple of times a week seems to be a lot less than a lot of people I know who either drink every day or drink a lot on the weekend.

I think it would be good for you to try sitting out am with a non-alcoholic drink and seeing if that has the same effect. If you feel calmer doing this ritual then go for it. I have terrible mental health issues and finding the thing that calms me down (walking in the evening) has made a huge difference. But what you don’t want to do is associate feeling calm and good with alcohol.

Hear hear

Happening more and more on MN isn’t it ? The entire point of the thread lost in a pile on about something the OP didn’t ask. The amount of projection here is concerning, as is the perceived entitlement to sit in judgement. From her last few posts it’s clear that posters have got to OP with this nonsense because she’s now considering going back to being teetotal. Her dad is an alcoholic. As a child OP saw him drink to excess and it's entirely understandable that she doesn’t want her DD to see her drinking for even the small amounts involved. Posters are twisting this and gaslighting her into thinking she has an alcohol related problem of her own - because she has a couple of small bottles of cider over a couple of nights, in peace on her balcony. It’s batshit.

Someone who has a secret drink, once a month, is not an alcoholic.

She has issues around alcohol because of her childhood trauma which makes her feel it is something shameful.

She doesn’t have a dependency on alcohol. Which is what alcoholism is.

OP - this comes from a place of concern and kindness; I hope you receive it that way. I don't have time to RTFT but I have read all of your posts.

I am a sober alcoholic. There is one thing in your posts that shouts 'problem' to me. It's not the drinking alone, or the hiding of bottles, or the family history (although I have a ton of that - most alcoholics do). It's the amount of mental space that thinking/posting about this is taking up. This is a huge red flag. Alcohol is absorbing far too much of your inner time. Please stop now. Please.

That simply isn’t true. The “hysterical finger pointers” tend to be recovering alcoholics or close relatives of one who recognise the signs of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I drink more than the OP some weeks, the difference is I don’t do it in secret, am happy that my (recovering alcoholic) spouse knows I drink and don’t hide the bottles.

Dh doesn’t drink at home though, he knows I hate it, is that normal?

Not when you changed the rules and he doesn't know .

OP, you sound like you have all the attributes of alcoholism apart from the excessive drinking- secrecy, shame, having a hidden stash, drinking alone etc. Maybe these things seem normal to you because you grew up with them but they’re really unhealthy and unusual.

At the moment it sounds as if you’re not drinking to excess, but given everything in your shoes I’d probably just not drink. There’s obviously a lot tied up
with all this for you and that would be the easiest option all round.

If you want to drink, you need to address your thinking about it and get it out in the open. No more sneaking about with a secret stash. Secrets breed secrets and your unhealthy approach could turn into excessive drinking quite easily. It’s also never as secret as you think- your cleaner has already found your hidden booze and before long your daughter will as well.

Op.
They’ve gone. It wasn’t a huge loss.

In future, keep them in the fridge and normalise occasional alcohol drinking. It’s not a crime that needs to be hidden from your daughter. She needs to see it being consumed responsibly, not not at all.

Because mum or dad could have been getting changed, getting something from the bedroom, showering. When my children were younger they would often follow me. Or I’d say just come and play here while I do…..

This. Every time anyone posts anything even vaguely to do with alcohol the hysterical finger pointers come out in force. A small bottle of cider a couple of times a week relaxing on your bedroom balcony on a nice evening doesn’t make you an alcoholic, no matter how much posters are pretzeling themselves to prove that’s the case. OP’s only problem with alcohol stems from seeing her father drink to excess when she was a child. She doesn’t want her DD to see her drinking for that reason, and while that’s understandable l think it would be far better to let DD see that mum has a drink every now and then, and so encourage a healthy relationship with alcohol.

😂😂😂
You think an alcoholic is defined by where they keep their alcohol rather than the frequency and amount they drink?

She didn't ask if people knew what they're cleaners did, she asked for opinions on why they might have done it.

If she's not a loved one of any of the posters, it's got fuck-all to do with anyone whether she's got a drinking problem or not. And she certainly didn't ask for opinions on it!

It's not 'important' that OP hears posters opinions about something she didn't ask about.

Could your daughter have drunk it thinking it was pop?

It sounds as though your Dads drinking was quite scary for you as a child ? It’s better for children to see normal, sensible behaviour around alcohol, than to not have it in the house at all or hide a stash outside. The quantity isn’t the issue here, you aren’t drinking much at all, but the need to hide a totally normal thing from your toddler will make her see booze as an illicit thing. Better for her to see that adults occasionally have an alcoholic drink, and how they stop at one or two, rather than keeping on drinking. It’s fine for you to enjoy a glass of something now and again, you don’t need to feel bad about it. Regularity getting drunk or not being able to stop at one, even if you drink occasionally, that would be worrying but that isn’t what you are doing.

Had to google that. I’d defo think that was rubbish. It’s hardly a expensive bottle of spirits is it? It’s not going to do it any good left outside so probably wouldn’t be drinkable. I’d assume it was left over from a party and clear away. The idea your cleaner is nicking cider is a bit rude to them. YABU just keep your booze somewhere normal or explain to them that you keep it there and to not clear away. (Even half drunk ones? 🤣)

Why would a six year old child be playing on a second floor bedroom terrace ?