To be so indecisive about how many children I want

OP, both experiences can be really great, it's what you make of it really, so maybe you need to think about what parenting experience you want ? Do you want to be able to focus all of your energy on one child and have a quiet house, more time for yourself and your partner, etc... Or would you like to feel the animation and energy of a fuller house, get to know another little person, share different things with them - as each child will be so incredibly different, etc ? Only you can answer that really.

I know that personally when I was thinking about the dinner table with just two or three of us it felt too small and quiet.

I also don't feel that two is that many, true chaos starts at 3 😂

I could be wrong but I really think that when parents put in the effort to bolster a sibling relationship it'd be unusual for sibling to not get along at least a little.

@Maxorias I’ve noticed this in DH’s family. His parents are big on mutual respect and being kind to each other and their adult children, despite being geographically scattered and v. different personalities, all make an effort to get along.

Well there's Prince William and Harry for a start...my siblings also hate each other, I speak to one of them and not the other-and the one I speak to is only for my mother's sake, otherwise she would have 3 kids that can't be in the same room as each other...

I agree! My two are completely different characters and perhaps wouldn't naturally get on. But we have put a lot of work into fostering their relationship right from the beginning. Contrary to what I read on Mumsnet, it's been quite unusual for me to have met someone in real life who doesn't get on with their siblings. I can only really think of one friend like this, and her family dynamics are noticeably weird!

I forgot to add, seeing the kids interact makes it worth it in and of itself. I could be wrong but I really think that when parents put in the effort to bolster a sibling relationship, it'd be unusual for sibling to not get along at least a little.

When I watch my eldest son play with his baby sister it makes my heart melt.

Have a second baby! I have two and they are such a gift to each other.

Oh, and lots of people will say that you can't know that they'll get along, etc. But I don't know that many siblings who truly hate each other and don't have a bond. My brothers and I are definitely glad to have each other, even if we don't see each other all the time due to distance. I only know one person who said he hated his brother.... And he still had a photo of his niece on his desk.

So I wouldn't plan stuff on the assumption that they MUST be great friends, but I also wouldn't assume that they'd hate each other.

OP, you're going to get a thousand different opinions here based on people's experiences. Those who were only children and loved it, those who were one of a dozen and hated it, etc... But none of them are you or your child.

Personally I think two is better than one because :

• They can distract each other and play together, giving you a break
• It teaches them patience and to wait for their turn
• Each child is very different so it's a more in depth parenting experience
• More opportunities to discover and share different things based on each child's interests

There's probably more but I've had a glass of white so I'll stop there.
I have three and I thought long and hard about the third, but I was sure enough about the first two that they're 19 months apart. They'd be 12 months apart if I had my way !

My 3rd is almost 4 years after my 2nd but although I wish they were closer in age I think it's the right age gap for many reasons.

I hate the baby stage but I think it's worth it for the children and adults that will be part of my life in the long run.

And finally, money is definitely a bit tighter, but it's made me more appreciative of what we have and less likely to buy plastic crap, so I try to see it as a positive.

Or they might be like my sibling, emigrating and not returning until the funeral of the second parent to die, having done nothing apart from sending occasional postcards for thirty years.

There is about a three and a half year gap between my two DC. I think that idea originally came about so you didn't have two in nappies at the same time.

Siblings are a PITA and was happier before they came along!

Siblings often squabble. Yes they could play (and then squabble some more!) “giving them a sibling” I’ve always thought was a stupid reason to have more DC.

Many families have dramas with siblings after parents die (over funeral arrangements, assets etc) so don’t think “sharing the load” in this way is reflective of many people’s reality or a good enough reason to have more DC.

Seems like your DH is possibly also not so keen?

I’m an only and I’ve had two of my own.
As others have said, do what feels right to you. Two are manageable and affordable, imo. I thought that I wanted four, but realized that I couldn’t manage that number and we’d be broke, so I stopped at two!

I have found being an only somewhat hard tbh, my DH is from a large family and he’s been v. lucky. But not all families are like that.

I’m an “only” child and I’ve never regretted not having siblings. So many of my friends have brothers and sisters that they don’t get on with. When it comes to dealing with elderly parents it always seems to fall on one child while the rest sit back and make excuses!

Don’t feel you’re depriving your DS in any way.

I went through this, and here's my take.

Don't have another child unless you personally want another, i.e. do it for yourself or not at all.

I was absolutely over the moon with my one dd. She was gorgeous, very loved, and made my world.

I only had another out of "only child" guilt. Obviously now I love dd2 to bits, as well as dd1.

But two is more than twice as hard, as expensive and demanding of you. You have to be in it for the right reason.

I'm also one of five siblings. I love them all to bits, but we're not close. Nor are we in any way enemies or at odds. We're just diluted.

It seems clear now that neurodiversity runs in our family. Back in the day we were clever, eccentric and a bit nerdy. Nowadays it brings a lot of parenting risks. My two have had years of social anxiety, esting disorders, phobias, suicidal ideation, actual self harm and suicide attempts. My cousins have had an even worse dose of adolescent problems. There are alcoholics, autism, transgender, bipolar. All of these are difficult parenting issues to navigate. I love my daughters to bits, and we are now on the other side of the storm of adolescence. It's calmer.

But it's been exhausting.

DH is the eldest of 5. He honestly feels like there was never enough growing up. Enough time, enough money, anything. They're not overly close now, we see them at family events and they have a WhatsApp group but rarely see any of them one to one.
I am one of two. The eldest. But there's an almost 8 year gap between me and my younger brother. Growing up we had totally different experiences. When I was a teenager I felt pushed aside because mum was always preoccupied by whatever my brother wanted/needed. However when he was a teenager I was moved out elsewhere so he had the full time/attention etc.
Weirdly now we're both adults we're close now and I'm glad I have him. But it was rough at times on the way to get here

25 weeks pregnant with number 2 and absolutely stopping after this one. If we were super rich, I’d have 4 or 5! I love kids and so does DH but realistically, 2 fit our lifestyle/earnings/home. We can afford to go abroad once a year with 2 (a luxury giving the current climate, I know), we won’t have to get a bigger car or bigger home. We can afford food for us as a family of 4 and our bills. We can afford birthdays and Christmas. We put savings into DD’s bank every month, also will do for this baby. We would be stretched with a third and I don’t want that. I’d rather live comfortably and give the 2 I’ve been blessed with a good life (I don’t mean in terms of material things when I say this). I feel like I could give 2 equal amounts of attention etc.

Don’t base your decision on what you think would be best for DS. You have no way of knowing whether a sibling would be an overall benefit or not. It’s chance.

Base it on what you (and DH) want. Do you feel the urge to have another child?

At the end of the day people don’t decide to have children or not for sensible practical reasons, it’s based on our feelings, and it’s the same for 2nd/3rd/4th kids.

i did often feel as a child that I didn’t get enough attention and we didn’t have much money to do things/holidays as there was 5 of us it would be extortionate

Im 1 of 4, not much money or holidays - not I wouldn’t swap my siblings for all the tea in China.

Your ‘only’ may get married have a bunch of kids and have lots of support when you and your DH pass -

You need to decide if you want another one - it’s not your DS decision.

I would be more than happy with just my DS. We have a great life and practically it would be so much easier.

But I want him to have a sibling. I would have been lost and quite lonely without my brother at times especially as adults. I also wouldn't have my SIL or nephew who I love to piece's.

My child is 13 years old and has outwardly stated she does not want a sibling, I've not had another, we have held off and experienced a miscarriage during the years, not purposefully tried for another. She has a wide circle of friends, is confident, sociable and a scholar. Financially, we are secure and can go out for food or do as we like with no concerns. We can go on days out, holidays, Christmas without worrying of money which is massive in the current state of the country. Not saying siblings are a disadvantage at all but my daughter has flourished alone and with our time invested in her. Its a pre-conception that a child needs another siblings but it doesn't suit all families and neither should you feel guilty about it.

I'm an only child and it's great. My mum is an only child and her mother and I've only had the one. You don't miss what you never had. From your description of the child you have now I wouldn't have another, it sounds like it could be very hard work.

We always said we would only ever have one. However during covid we were stuck at home shielding. I just kept looking at DD and the empty seat around the dining table and said we should consider a second. It wasn't that we wanted to provide a sibling but more that we were meant to be more than a unit of 3. The dining room table now feels just right and we were right to have 2, although ask me when they are squabbling and I'd disagree 😂.

I know it’s different for everyone, but I’m so grateful for my sister - she’s my best friend and I can’t imagine life without her. Her children and my children are so close too. I have 3 children and although they’re all very different, they have a bond and when only one of them is home, it can sometimes feel harder to make the fun atmosphere happen (again I know that’s different for all families and I don’t have experience of the benefits of being or having an only child for comparison).

My mum died, they were divorced so no help from my dad (not in a bad way). I'm one of four and permanently estranged from all of them. I handled it all myself, and I was perfectly fine as I had close friends and a partner supporting me. Raise your kid to be a decent, kind, interesting person, and they won't be short of support when you go. Having a sibling in the hope that they'll be close whenever you eventually die is just silly imo. There's no way of knowing whether a sibling will be a support and help, or a source of lifelong trauma. Gamble either way.