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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NC with GM

30 replies

Unknownname86 · 01/06/2025 18:39

Hello

first time poster, just wanted some advice.
When I was a child my father’s mother was abusive to me and my sibling (DS). Verbal and physical abuse, and generally not a nice person. Early memories were being slapped around the face and being screamed at, and parents still sent me on ‘camping holidays’ with the promise that they will come and pick me up if I wanted to come home (obviously a load of rubbish seeing as the holidays were in Cornwall and we live in the north of England.

As I grew up she was awful , but not so much physically. She would say hurtful things such as ‘you’ll end up a single mother on benefits in a council house’, and ‘you’ve ruined your life’ when I had my son as a teenage parent - she tried to pay me £500 to have a termination and because I refused , she slapped me.

she’s a bitter old woman, and I’ve gone NC or minimal contact since then.

I gave birth to my son and was supported by my parents and went to college and university and got a degree as a nurse and social worker. My bitter grandmother apparently said that im not a proper nurse because I didn’t do general nursing (she’s an ex ward sister). I’m not bothered about this , but it just shows what kind of person she is.

I have been with my husband for 20 years and are very happy (haven’t had more children due to fertility issues despite IVF and currently on the waiting list for a hysterectomy in my 30’s due to severe endometriosis and adenomyosis).
If I had listened to her I would be childless, and wouldn’t have had my beautiful DS, who is amazing .

I feel like I have unresolved trauma , and possibly may benefit from counselling which I need to look into.

now the point of my post is, Grandmother is very old now and deteriorating in health at a fast pace. I’m really not sure if I should go to the funeral , just to support my dad. He knows that I don’t like her , and doesn’t ask me to go and see her anymore . She apparently told him to tell me if I don’t go and see her she will take me out of her will. I replied that I will donate any monies that she leaves me to the local dogs home as I don’t need her money .. I don’t think my dad passed this message on.

I did think of writing her a letter explaining why I haven’t been seeing her , but I’m sure she will play the victim.

AIBU for NC?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownname86 · 01/06/2025 18:51

FuckityFux · 01/06/2025 18:48

YANBU at all!!

So very sorry you had a horrible time growing up with your grandparents. I was shipped off to my grandparents for the summer holidays too as mum couldn’t afford time off work. My grandma was pretty vile physical and favoured my cousins as Aunty was her favourite child but she wasn’t as bad as your Grandma and my grandad was kind, so that balanced things out.

In your shoes, I’d go to the funeral if you felt your dad would benefit from your support but you don’t have to pretend you liked her and feel free to make it clear to others that you’re only there to support him. I didn’t go to my grandma’s funeral but then my mum didn’t ask me to, so it was an easy decision and I was still a teenager at the time.

Thanks for your reply. I’m so sorry you had to suffer as well. Similar situation as grandmother definitely favoured her daughters children , they got the nice treatment whereas me and my sister were treated inferior. I suppose I started this thread because my sister got treated appallingly (not as bad as me but definitely to some extent) and she still goes and sees grandmother. I’ve asked her in the past why she still sees her after all the terrible things she’s done to her and she just wants to forget about it and play happy families.. more so for her children’s sake I think.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 01/06/2025 18:48

YANBU for going NC but don't write the letter and don't give her any more headspace.

FuckityFux · 01/06/2025 18:48

YANBU at all!!

So very sorry you had a horrible time growing up with your grandparents. I was shipped off to my grandparents for the summer holidays too as mum couldn’t afford time off work. My grandma was pretty vile physical and favoured my cousins as Aunty was her favourite child but she wasn’t as bad as your Grandma and my grandad was kind, so that balanced things out.

In your shoes, I’d go to the funeral if you felt your dad would benefit from your support but you don’t have to pretend you liked her and feel free to make it clear to others that you’re only there to support him. I didn’t go to my grandma’s funeral but then my mum didn’t ask me to, so it was an easy decision and I was still a teenager at the time.

Original poster
Unknownname86 · 01/06/2025 18:47

anon15830201174585920220384848320204738229 · 01/06/2025 18:46

you are most definitely not being unreasonable cutting this woman from your life, she sounds awful op and I’m so sorry you went through that with her.

Thank you for your reply. It’s good to get opinions from people outside of the family.

OP posts:
anon15830201174585920220384848320204738229 · 01/06/2025 18:46

you are most definitely not being unreasonable cutting this woman from your life, she sounds awful op and I’m so sorry you went through that with her.