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AIBU?

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Pissed off with DGMs medalling in my home

37 replies

Tiredbut · 01/06/2025 18:08

Feel bad writing this as DGM isn’t in the best health and is getting older. But her interfering with everything is really pissing me off and she won’t take no for an answer.

she came to stay last night at my new place that I moved into 2 months ago. First rental from being a home owner (another story) this isn’t the first visit and she’s hell bent on going on about the landlord whereas I just see it as my new home. It’s landlord this landlord that tell him this tell him that sort this do that. The property is amazing and I have no complaints. She’s never owned a home so I don’t know why she’s going on so much as if it’s groundbreaking and I have this omnipotent landlord. Pissing me off. She also keeps asking if furniture etc is mine? Which it is, and I’ve owned it all at my last home. Why she keeps going on about it I don’t know but it’s are these drawers yours? Is that mirror yours? With this concerned look on her face as if it could be taken at any moment. Just annoying and making me feel unsettled and like nothing is mine?!

ANYWAY

Since arriving last night she has:

  1. stripped all my beds (that I’d just changed yesterday)
  1. pointed out MINISCULE faults I.e a mark on an otherwise immaculate cream carpet, less than the size of a 5p and it’s tsk tsk someone’s obviously been doing something in here prior. Whatever will you do?
  1. Pointed out that my lights in the garden are faulty and one part needs a new bulb (haven’t replaced since moving) and proceeded to rummage for tools to start unscrewing parts to replace said bulb.
  1. Decided my washing machine needed a deep clean (it doesn’t) and said I should demand a new one along with a new fridge from the landlord (??!!)
  1. Moved stuff around in my kitchen, pissed about with stuff and now I can’t find things
  1. Decided my car needed cleaning and proceeded to “clear it out” I.e throw mail from work and returns in the bin. Second time in a month this has happened.
  1. Started obsessively sweeping the (large) porch and back entrance whilst removing all doormats and furniture inside the house even though I was about to cut the grass and told her it was pointless as I will vacuum after.
  1. I Went to go to bed to find her in my bedroom, bed turned down, medalling with my bed sheets and rearranging drawers. At midnight!!
  1. Gave my 5 year old an iPad at 9:30pm and had said 5 year old up until midnight (I’d accidentally dozed off on the sofa at 9pm)
  1. Thrown out 60 (!!!!!!) packets of crisp (big box from Costco) and a crate of beer as “she thought they were rubbish to be recycled

  2. Went to our out house and started scrubbing and rearranging the utility in it. It’s literally used for storage. Then she was most put out that I didn’t have a certain cleaning product for stone sinks.

  3. Used every single cloth I own (heaps) for one thing or another and put my glass cloths in dish soap so now they’ll make everywhere streaky. Not the end of the world but just SO fucking unnecessary and something else for me to undo.

i am so pissed off. I protest and protest to all these tasks and she either ignores me or goes onto the next thing that fucking inconveniences me. It’s like having another child. I feel I have to follow her around stopping her from fucking things up or making more work for me.

I wouldn’t mind as much but my home is absolutely immaculate and quite frankly looks unlived in 99% of the time. I’m very particular so maybe this is making me rage more but it feels like such an invasion.

I know she means well, but I am so exhausted when she leaves. She has my DC hyped to 100 as well as my Pets. AIBU and if not what can I do about it?

i already limit face to face contact

OP posts:
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S0j0urn4r · 02/06/2025 09:23

Honestly I wouldn't invite her again. It just isn't worth the stress.

dentalflosser · 02/06/2025 09:18

What is she doing to animals? Throwing out food with the excuse of that she thought it was recycling is bizarre.
She sounds either very controlling and jealous or passive aggressive as she’s trying to say that she thinks you are inadequate. You certainly aren’t OP! Undermining you with your DC is wrong too. Pack her stuff up and ask her to leave, don’t give her a set of spare keys either.
I can’t believe she’s been going into your drawers either, that is so intrusive. I wouldn’t dare do that to anyone.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/06/2025 22:44

She is unbearable but I admire her energy levels.

hopspot · 01/06/2025 22:24

Pedant5corner · 01/06/2025 18:11

Opened the post expecting to see a podium. Grin

Me too!

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 01/06/2025 22:23

Why are you inviting her around and in particular why allow her to stay over? If thishad happened to me it would be the last time she came in the house. If she's not there she can't interfere.

healthybychristmas · 01/06/2025 22:19

Has she left now? That would honestly do my head in and I would never want her to visit again. If I were you I would only meet with her in public spaces and for a limited time.

ForestAtTheSea · 01/06/2025 21:41

It feels painful to read, the destruction would make me very upset. It is probably difficult with relatives but I would want the money for the destroyed food back.

I agree with the others that something is going on, something like cognitive decline or dementia, but even if she was always like this: behind the "childish" behaviour seems to be a destructive streak that is bringing her glee. That's why "no" isn't working and some people can be very convincing in their determination.

And since she is your relative and elder it's hard to to stop that (I've experience with similar events, and in retrospect I wouldn't have waited to so long to stop and keep them out.)

Is the stress and the cost and the destruction worth the invite? Realistically, any other visitor who would do the same would probably have received a different reaction from you.

Can you find alternative places to meet her outside of your home, or go visit her instead, if you want to keep up the connection for your child/children?

Elsvieta · 01/06/2025 20:49

Tiredbut · 01/06/2025 18:15

Oh I’ve tried! She just hounds me and insists. Earlier I had to physically take them out her hand and close the door. Que huffing and puffing

It's the only way you'll ever put a stop to it though. Physically block her, take the stuff out of her hand, if she's put something that isn't rubbish in the bin insist she goes and gets it out. Let her huff and puff all she wants, and don't budge. Every single time, until it sticks.

Pedant5corner · 01/06/2025 19:42

Tiredbut · 01/06/2025 18:16

lol! Rage-typo in my title. Apologies!🥇🥈🥉

Somebody was going to, sorry. Your DGM sounds intolerable.

tinygingermum · 01/06/2025 19:34

I feel your pain, my grandmother is very similar.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/06/2025 19:12

JFC she sounds like one of Raold Dahl's characters. I'm thinking of the Granny in George's Marvellous Medicine. She sounds utterly unbearable. You definitely need to put your foot down and ban her from your home. The batshit craziness and destruction of your property is bad enough but the racism and homophobia are totally unacceptable.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 01/06/2025 19:08

PS: just bring her round the back and shoot her.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 01/06/2025 19:06

I thought you were going to say you're granny is a 3-day eventer.

Tiredbut · 01/06/2025 19:04

Yes I would say she’s worse in the night. She’s generally “all there” as she’s ever been but never been the sharpest tool in fairness.

she’s very racist and we often clash about that as I will pull her up every time. Homophobic, and anti-feminist. One of those people that say “well those are my thoughts it doesn’t make me racist”. Cruel to animals. Generally not a great person. Reason I’m saying this is it does seem to be getting worse, especially the harming animals. Could this be dementia related?

that alone is a lot to deal with. I’ve tried to cut her out in the past but crazy family dynamics have led to having a realtionship

OP posts:
Shitmonger · 01/06/2025 19:03

Tbf it does sound like OP’s gran gets a gold medal for meddling. 🥇😂

Zofloramummy · 01/06/2025 18:59

I know you say that your dc miss her but she isn’t actually spending much time with them if she is busy doing all of this! Can you give them some activities to do together? Building Lego or something? I think it does sound
like that there might be some
cognitive decline going on here too. Is she worse in the evening?

FlightCommanderPRJohnson · 01/06/2025 18:53

I too was expecting something along the lines of DGM practising for the Olympic hurdling by jumping over OP's ironing board 😆

Good old autocorrect!

Renamed · 01/06/2025 18:49

She sounds like someone going through the motions of things she can’t quite remember how to do. Are you sure none of this is new behaviour? Even throwing the food out?

Tiredbut · 01/06/2025 18:36

Brainstorm23 · 01/06/2025 18:32

I have no advice but feel your pain. I refuse to have my mum or brother in my house for longer than 15 seconds at a time.

When I purchased it on their first visit they went round the entire place pointing out all the perceived "faults". Once they'd finished I gave them their coats and showed them where the door was. They weren't invited back.

Utterly batshit the pair of them.

I’m so glad it’s not just me! Why do people think it’s okay?

the irony is, the house is absolutely stunning and nothing like anything anybody I know lives in?! Huge grounds, extremely spacious, full of character. It’s literally a renovated Manor House in fields! When I got the keys my great aunt came around and saw I hadn’t moved much furniture yet (I’d had the keys less than a day) and cried actual tears saying how hard done by I was and how she felt physically sick at the thought of me struggling.

i wish I was joking but the batshittery amongst my DGM and her siblings is another level

OP posts:
Brainstorm23 · 01/06/2025 18:32

I have no advice but feel your pain. I refuse to have my mum or brother in my house for longer than 15 seconds at a time.

When I purchased it on their first visit they went round the entire place pointing out all the perceived "faults". Once they'd finished I gave them their coats and showed them where the door was. They weren't invited back.

Utterly batshit the pair of them.

Tiredbut · 01/06/2025 18:23

Oh she also decided it would be a great time to start cutting back my rose bushes!!! It’s summer! They’re blooming beautifully. My 5 year old told her I’d be very cross and came in to tell me, I walked outside to catch her with rubble sacks and garden sheers hacking away!!

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 01/06/2025 18:22

nutbrownhare15 · 01/06/2025 18:15

I've just taken 5 mins wondering what medalling could possibly mean- sewing metal coins into the edges of the sheets? And just realised that you mean meddling. She sounds like a complete nightmare and you cannot possibly have her to stay again or even in your house again. So it you want to continue seeing her it will have to be out and about or at her home.

Glad you said this. I thought DGM was competing in some sort of sporting event !!

Tiredbut · 01/06/2025 18:21

OneBlossomBee · 01/06/2025 18:19

OP, this might be a possibility, but your gran might be showing signs of dementia. The confusion with the boxes is something similar to signs my dear nana exhibited a year or so before she went wandering at night. She seems to be confused from some of things you have said and repeating doing the same behaviour. I would talk to whichever parent is the child of your DGM and see about having her assessed.

I did think this, but she’s had form forever for it.

she asked me what colour bin our recycling goes in while I was upstairs so I shouted down the colour but said leave it I’ll do it. Little did I know she was binning the weekly shop!

OP posts:
Tiredbut · 01/06/2025 18:20

Mareleine · 01/06/2025 18:17

It sounds like she's trying to help or repay you for hosting her and it's just coming across wrong? What's her own place like? Is it immaculate? Could it just be that she sees dirt where you don't? She sounds unstoppable! I hope I have that much energy when I'm a grandmother to an adult old enough to rent something!

What we've found worked with MIL when she used to do this sort of thing with our first home was to redirect her onto something we didn't mind her doing for example when she tried to pull my blackberry brambles up saying they were weeds we pointed her at the dandelions growing between the concrete.

Yes this sounds about right. Unfortunately I’ve ran out of things to repoint her to! The playroom looks like a bomb has hit it, all good fun but it’s just too much hyperactivity and zero downtime when she’s here. Also don’t like the values she tries to teach DC but again, whole other thread!

OP posts:
OneBlossomBee · 01/06/2025 18:19

OP, this might be a possibility, but your gran might be showing signs of dementia. The confusion with the boxes is something similar to signs my dear nana exhibited a year or so before she went wandering at night. She seems to be confused from some of things you have said and repeating doing the same behaviour. I would talk to whichever parent is the child of your DGM and see about having her assessed.

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