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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think some people (me included) give off some sort of ‘I don’t matter’ vibe?

30 replies

Riverrunswild83 · 01/06/2025 17:36

I am pretty easy-going - or at least I like to come across that way - and I find that that often seems to mean people don’t think much of letting me down or treating me in ways they wouldn’t treat others possibly.

A recent example is that my best friend said she was organising a surprise for my birthday and we arranged a date for it in a few weeks time (she never told me what the surprise was). She hasn’t mentioned it since but has just said she has booked to go away the weekend we’d earmarked. I feel like it was just an easy and cost free way of dealing with my birthday with no real intent to do anything for it.

I have hundreds of examples of this over the years, I never say anything and just get on with it but it makes me feel sad. I also think maybe I’m just not worth making any effort for? I have examples from DH too - like for my 30th he just gave me £30 in a card. My proposal consisted of him saying ‘suppose we’d better go and look for a ring then.’

I pretend these things don’t matter but actually they do make me sad. I really try for other people on special occasions and generally in every day life I try not to let people down if I’ve made plans with them. I guess it just shows where I am in terms of where people value me? I don’t want / need loads of money spending on me - I’d just like some thought sometimes.

aibu to think this is how some people are treated vs those people who always seem to have loads of effort made for them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Riverrunswild83 · 01/06/2025 18:27

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/06/2025 18:19

What’s wrong with booking a weekend away for your birthday? That would say to me that she thinks you do matter, most people aren’t going to want to spend a weekend away with someone they don’t like!

She’s not booked it for me! We arranged a date for this surprise and she’s messaged today saying she’s going away with her work friends that weekend.
She hasn’t mentioned my birthday surprise. The message was along the lines of ‘so excited, booked to go away with X the last weekend in June!’

So I assume that my surprise isn’t happening and won’t be rearranged. I suppose I could say something but it makes me feel awkward and needy so I won’t.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/06/2025 18:19

What’s wrong with booking a weekend away for your birthday? That would say to me that she thinks you do matter, most people aren’t going to want to spend a weekend away with someone they don’t like!

RickiRaccoon · 01/06/2025 18:17

I think it's less a vibe and more that certain people just allow certain treatment. You don't have to create a scene (though some would) but even a subtly sarcastic "gee, thanks" or "how romantic" can make someone stop and think because you've reacted slightly negatively to their actions.

Your friends and partners learn over time what they can get away with. Some people 'train' them to do more by openly talking about their expectations, subtle (or not subtle) reactions to unwanted presents and often by dropping them when they don't meet them.

pikkumyy77 · 01/06/2025 17:59

I have heard that we receive the treatment we accept. Something leads you to accept, basically, the minimum effort. Its not that expecting more magically transforms your friend or your dh into the kind of person who makes a fuss over you. But rather that demanding more means you don’t settle for friends or lovers who let you down. Your dh was showing you that he wouldn’t make a fuss or waste time/energy on you. And that set the tone for the marriage I think.

Jabberwok · 01/06/2025 17:55

No one gives off that sort of vibe, although it must seem that way. They just pick friends who are either selfish or not as invested in the relationship.

Society is getting more selfish and self centred, people are encouraged to constantly look at themselves, their weight, how they look. There are so many more self help books available now than 20 years ago.

Plus, after the success of friends, everyone must have a tight friendship group...just look at any advert for beer or aimed at the under 40s. The ads for direct cremations doesn't have a group of 70 year olds having a party.

Unfortunately, this friend doesn't see your friendship as important. Either accept that and live with it or move on