I have nobody to talk about this in real life with mainly as I’ve kept everything quiet - possibly because I’ve never felt sure enough of what I was actually doing
I split with ExH January 2024 ( this is a whole different thread but this possibly was also a massive mistake on my part and he is still wanting to reconcile - I didn’t feel supported emotionally with 2 ND teens and he couldn’t seem to see the issue. He is now on the pathway for an ASD assessment himself )
Anyway, by Spring 24 I had met a man completely by chance through my brothers wedding and feel head over heels.
it sounds ridiculous especially given my age but he genuinely did seem to understand me in a way nobody ever had, he was affectionate which was just not what I’ve had in my 25 year marriage and a big listener / talker which again was very different.
Downside was that he lived 3 hours away however for the first 6 months or so, this worked well as I would only visit when my kids were at their dads as I didn’t want him introduced to my children / home especially as my 16 year old DS took the split terribly and hasn’t coped well at all.
It became harder and harder to keep it going 2/3 nights a week especially when I would get to the very small flat and there would be his 16 year old son who lives there full time just wandering around smoking cannabis, hardly going to school and swearing at his dad, younger siblings ( twins are 13 ) however I’m a teacher and experienced with ND kids and he has ADHD / ODD similar to my son so I didn’t see this as a massive red flag
Weelemds were a strain as the twins would be there and one of the girls is very attention seeking - I tried to give lots of grace here as her mum left her dad ( 6 years ago ) for the neighbour who moved in within a week so I did sympathise with her feeling pushed out.
She either wanted to be my best friend, constantly asking me to take her out for coffee, buy her gifts ( both parents don’t have much money ) buy takeaways or she would seem jealous of my presence and want to cuddle her dad all the time in front of me, ask him who he loved more, come into the best room in the morning for “ group hugs “ and it all made me feel uneasy.
We had a few conversations which turned sour abiut the lack of boundaries - this hasn’t just been me as school have raised this with him too as mum raised issues with what was happening during weekends - no bedtimes, set dinners, out of trains across London with no phone, stealing from shops meaning police attended the house etc
He is a carer for the 16 year old and has kept saying that when he is 18/19 and in full time work, he would then move to my area but keep the flat going so he could still see his twins weekends in their own area.
Anyway, we had a pregnancy scare.
I panicked massively as I didn’t see how he would afford to keep a flat running when he’s made to go back to work as well as providing for his kids and contributing to our home together and baby and also I feel very strongly that one of the 13 year olds will definitely be living with him in the next few years as she’s clashing terribly with her mum and is often just dropped on the doorstep when mum has enough so how would be be able to just leave her there?
Huge argument followed where he said I was selfish, that nobody comes above his children and that I needed to have a termination and fuck off basically.
I was in floods of tears, had been sick all that morning so felt like death and he just repeated over and over “ You’ve made it clear it won’t work so get out “ or “ I want to console you but there’s no point so just leave “
That was 2 weeks ago and there’s been no contact since
He doesn’t know the pregnancy ended in a early miscarriage, he doesn’t know whether I had to have a termination or chose to continue with the pregnancy regardless - nothing
I’m struggling to function - I feel like my heart has been ripped out
please talk some sense into me that this was always the inevitable and wouldn’t work anyway