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Original poster

Husband no longer prepared to help me out

31 replies

Mbirdie · 01/06/2025 16:13

For context we aren’t English but from Asia.

My parents are old and although my father is fairly fit, my mother isn’t. I don’t work so am able to visit her regularly during the week. To enable this DH has a flexible working agreement and can finish working early to pick up and look after the children. He will then log on in the evening to complete his work.

I have one brother. Earlier this year, he went back ‘home’ for 6 weeks bit wasnt able to visit my in laws. He intended to but was too busy. In our culture, this is a black mark, I fully accept that my DB should have visited them because my DH’s working pattern allows me to visit our parents. DH also doesn’t a lot for my parents, including large DIY jobs. He is livid that my DB didn’t visit his parents.

DH plans to back to his standard working arrangement, it will means I won’t be able to visit parents as much. He has been complaining about this arrangement as it means he frequently works late. I feel upset that he is doing this, it will cause additional stress to my parents. He’s refused to reconsider and has become very shouty and nasty.

OP posts:
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IkeaJesusChrist · 01/06/2025 18:03

I'm not surprised that your husband is annoyed, you don't work and all of the pressure is on him.

Sofiewoo · 01/06/2025 17:57

It’s not sustainable for your DH to finish work early, be with the kids and then work late into the evening every day to make up the time. For a period of weeks when there’s a recent event or illness sure but as a long term thing it’s not workable or fair.

Weepixie · 01/06/2025 17:56

I suspect the Op used her thread to vent and that nothing anyone says will result in any changes being put in place. She’s in a very difficult situation and will never be able to do right for doing wrong.

PeloMom · 01/06/2025 17:55

Mbirdie · 01/06/2025 16:17

My father is fine but my mother needs abit more support - I go so my father can have a few hours to go out and about.

Show quote history

So when does your husband get few hours to go out and about??

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/06/2025 17:53

Of course your husband shouldn't have to work in the evening so that you can visit your parents.

You are fortunate as a family that one of you can be a stay at home parent but surely that should be for the benefit of your immediate family and helping wider family should work around that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/06/2025 17:48

Your brother and your father are not carrying out their responsibilities and it is all falling on your husband's shoulders. They are being very unfair, and it has to stop.

You describe your father as fairly fit, so he needs to step up and help his wife, the mother of his children. He needs to take on the shopping, the cooking, the laundry and the cleaning; and stop robbing his grandchildren of their mother's time. If he is not willing to do it himself then he needs to arrange and pay for someone else to do it. Not keep expecting his daughter to do it.

Your brother also needs to step up and help his parents, not just leave it all to you. If he doesn't want to honour his commitments as per Asian norms then he's going to have to honour them via UK norms and that means helping his parents!

And you have a part to play here too. You need to leave your father and brother to get on with it and not step in. You dial it back to one visit per week. You have children to care for - they are your priority.

howshouldibehave · 01/06/2025 16:52

No… it looks like so she can care for her mother (who has a fairly fit husband) not the school aged children

I didn't phrase that very well! I meant that's presumably why the DH agreed for the OP to not work-so she could care for their kids. I presume he didn't agree to that so she could swan off to her mum's leaving him to work full time, pay all the bills AND do the school runs!

DancefloorAcrobatics · 01/06/2025 16:40

I know there are cultural differences in regards to male v female and older v younger generations.

But, I am with your husband. Your brother didn't honour the culture by not visiting your in laws. Your DH did by enabling you to look after your parents.

I understand not wanting any carers coming into your parents house from your dad's point of view (currently in a similar situation ...)
So in return, can your brother take on some of the care for your parents?
Or you need to re arrange when you are able to visit your parents.

Lentilweaver · 01/06/2025 16:29

How often do you go to your parents, OP? Daily? Once or twice a week? We need more information.

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 01/06/2025 16:28

Why can’t you support your parents during school hours? If you are a stay at home parent the whole point is you do the childcare/house stuff and your other half can concentrate on work.

Paintbench · 01/06/2025 16:27

Lentilweaver · 01/06/2025 16:25

Imagine the flood of sympathy on here for my DH when I move my mum into my house in a couple of years!😂

OP, make a compromise. Visit your mum in school hours for now, and next year force your brother to do the family rounds ( painful as they are). And ask your brother to help with the DIY.

Edited

Well if your mother had a “fairly fit” husband
and your mother moving in meant your DH had to work late and determine his entire work schedule around it so he can make every school pick up and evening childcare after work…. then yep, too right I’d feel sorry for him

Spirallingdownwards · 01/06/2025 16:26

The OP has said she does this so her Dad can go out and about. He will have to adjust his out and about times to enable you to get back for school runs then.

Kitkatfiend31 · 01/06/2025 16:26

Why can't you help them within school hours? I don't really get all the nuances with this but I wouldn't want to be having to work late in the evening either.

Lentilweaver · 01/06/2025 16:25

Imagine the flood of sympathy on here for my DH when I move my mum into my house in a couple of years!😂

OP, make a compromise. Visit your mum in school hours for now, and next year force your brother to do the family rounds ( painful as they are). And ask your brother to help with the DIY.

Paintbench · 01/06/2025 16:25

howshouldibehave · 01/06/2025 16:23

So your husband is shouldering the sole burden of being the only wage earner so you can look after your shared children, but you want him to do school runs as well as this, so you can go to your parents? I'm not surprised he's really pissed off.

Between you and your brother, you need to sort out some proper paid for care for your parents.

No… it looks like so she can care for her mother (who has a fairly fit husband) not the school aged children

Tiswa · 01/06/2025 16:25

howshouldibehave · 01/06/2025 16:23

So your husband is shouldering the sole burden of being the only wage earner so you can look after your shared children, but you want him to do school runs as well as this, so you can go to your parents? I'm not surprised he's really pissed off.

Between you and your brother, you need to sort out some proper paid for care for your parents.

No he is shouldering it all so the OPs father can go out and about.

OP this can’t go on - there may be cultural aspects at play but if so your brother didn’t follow them either.

you looking after your mum for your father to go out isn’t sustainable

Freshstartyear25 · 01/06/2025 16:25

As you’re a stay at home mum, I don’t see why you can’t go and visit her when the children are in school and be back for school pick up. This way, you do both. Your current arrangement is like DH being the only earner and you’re only available for your parents and DH still has to deal with the after school stuffs and then continue work after. That’s not giving him time to relax.
I think expecting too much from your DH when your DB can’t even be bothered to visit your parents is quite a reach don’t you think.

RightOnTheEdge · 01/06/2025 16:24

Well I can't blame him for being fed up of working late or this pattern of working not suiting him anymore.

He should discuss it sensibly though and not be angry and shouting at you.

He also shouldn't be punishing you for what your brother does!

Paintbench · 01/06/2025 16:24

Mbirdie · 01/06/2025 16:17

My father is fine but my mother needs abit more support - I go so my father can have a few hours to go out and about.

Show quote history

yes but I’m going to presume your father isn’t going to take on the role

you can’t do the school run slot

so you need to arrange a carer for the slots you can’t do.

you can do all the time your children are ar school though op

howshouldibehave · 01/06/2025 16:23

So your husband is shouldering the sole burden of being the only wage earner so you can look after your shared children, but you want him to do school runs as well as this, so you can go to your parents? I'm not surprised he's really pissed off.

Between you and your brother, you need to sort out some proper paid for care for your parents.

moleeye · 01/06/2025 16:23

I’d be v resentful if I was your DH that you don’t work and I was frequently having to work late - seems like poor time management on your part.

You are prioritising your parents over your own family.

Suggest you get in some carers to support before there is a lasting impact on your marriage

thing47 · 01/06/2025 16:22

Your DH is under no obligation to make his work-life balance worse for the sake of your parents, OP. Absolutely none. Not a snowball's chance I would do this long term.

Spirallingdownwards · 01/06/2025 16:22

You need to arrange the time you can spend with your parents around your other family commitments. The school day is plenty long enough. Your DH does not need to arrange his work around this when you are not working. I fully understand why he is no longer going to put up with this arrangement if your DB cba to see his parents when travelling while he runs around like a proverbial blue arsed fly helping DB's and your parents out on a daily basis. Your brother should perhaps step up to the plate and assist your parents more. Does he?

Also - so your Dad can go out and about?!! He can arrange someone else to sit with your mum to do that.

UndermyShoeJoe · 01/06/2025 16:22

This is your brothers fault. His defaulted on the arrangement within your culture.

As a British answer however is your a sahm but making your husband take time off work to do school runs. Also a piss take.

surely you can give your dad help around school hours.

Paintbench · 01/06/2025 16:21

Lentilweaver · 01/06/2025 16:19

You won't get any sensible answers to this from non-Asians.

Or rather she will get the sensible answers