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Boyfriend not setting appropriate boundaries

37 replies

Tapp · 01/06/2025 14:53

My boyfriend (43) told me (37) that when he was at a christening a friend of his friend offered him a blowjob and he turned her down. We’ve been having issues around boundaries and I felt very triggered. I said is he still in touch with this woman and asked if he’s ever at a social gathering where she is to avoid her as best he can. He says I’m being insecure and he should be allowed to be friendly. I said that a woman who offers sexual favours at a CHRISTENING is walking red flag and that it would be humiliating to me if he didn’t show her that he was honouring his relationship by keeping his distance from her. I don’t understand why men use this “I’m being friendly, I don’t want to hurt her feelings” language when they’re so happy to hurt their partners feelings.

He did cheat on me last year (I know everyone will say this is a dealbreaker) but I’m asking even aside from him cheating, would you have a problem with him being so friendly with this woman. No one offers that out of the blue, surely there was a prior flirtation.

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Elsvieta · 01/06/2025 20:22

Boundaries are about things YOU are in charge of - your time / property / money / body etc. Trying to control who someone else socialises with or how isn't a boundary, it's just being controlling.

"I won't keep seeing a man who's cheated on me" is a boundary. And a perfectly reasonable one.

Crudd99 · 01/06/2025 20:16

He sounds awful. Dump him and find someone nice.

Endofyear · 01/06/2025 20:00

The only boundary you need is to dump this dickhead!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/06/2025 16:56

Christ, there's no way she offered him a blowjob at a christening. He's lying to you to try and make you jealous.

Dump the twat OP.

mondaytosunday · 01/06/2025 16:55

Who does that? ‘Hi Steve nice to meet you on this sacred occasion do you want a blow job’?
He’s full of bull and likes getting a reaction from you. This time I can confidently pull out that old chestnut: LTB.

DontTouchRoach · 01/06/2025 16:44

Oh FFS, of course nobody offered to suck his cock at a bloody christening. He just said it to humiliate you even further than he already has by cheating on you. Just dump him.

Catinthereallysmallhat · 01/06/2025 16:32

You are definitely being insecure op, totally normal for a woman to ask a man if he wants a blowjob at a family event. He’s only a man after all, he has needs. He’s allowed to be friendly stop being so controlling. He cheated on you once, stop throwing it back in his face…

🙄

FutureCatMum · 01/06/2025 16:30

Raise your standards and leave this waste of space. It’s only a matter of time before he cheats again, if he hasn’t already.

Buildingthefuture · 01/06/2025 16:11

Op, I know it’s hard when you are in the thick of things but stop for a minute and think. If some bloke had offered you oral sex on a night out, would your idiot partner expect you to a) fuck him off with immediate effect. Or b) say no but not really mean it and continue to be friendly?
You KNOW the answer to this. He’s a total wanker, with different rules for you and him. In to the bin he goes. Immediately.

OhNoTheBridgeIsDown · 01/06/2025 16:04

Why on earth do some women put up with this bollocks? Too many seem desperate to be with a man that they put up with disrespectful and downright shitty behaviour.

He sounds like a dick. It’s your boundaries you need to be checking. Do better and dump him!

Reidwood · 01/06/2025 16:01

@TomatoSandwiches , let’s be honest, he s definitely not a man with morals, he sees OP as beneath him! He s out of order!

Cordroy · 01/06/2025 16:00

YANBU OP. This is teenage talk from the woman I mean I can’t believe anyone over 20 would offer such a thing

TomatoSandwiches · 01/06/2025 15:59

This "man" is a piece of shit op, clean your boots and leave him.

Cordroy · 01/06/2025 15:58

Jesus Christ on a bike!

I’ve just read the first sentence and it sounds like something Vicky Pollard would offer!

Reidwood · 01/06/2025 15:55

He s playing you ! Tell him you to were askd on night out…..he thinks you need him…stand up to him….!

INeedAnotherName · 01/06/2025 15:50

You need to be asking yourself why he told you this.

Then you need to be questioning your own boundaries. Not his.

Jc2001 · 01/06/2025 15:50

Why the fuck has he told you this, surely there are some things you just don't need to know

So (in his mind) when he drops the bomb that he actually did cheat for the second time, he's somehow softened the blow

Holly485 · 01/06/2025 15:46

He sounds awful. Why is he telling you about the supposed offer? Is it to show what a great guy he is because he turned it down? What a loser. You need better boundaries OP, why are with someone so vile?

Shoxfordian · 01/06/2025 15:46

Why are you wasting your time op?

WayneEyre · 01/06/2025 15:43

Also to add, is this this the kind of conversation, way of life, associations and relationship you wish for and have aspirations to?

'how was the christening? lovely to catch up with everyone, glorious spring weather, the baby must've been adorable in his gown etc?'

'Angela offered me a blowjob behind the font'.

'Charming'.

TwistedWonder · 01/06/2025 15:38

Agree with others, it’s you who needs boundaries and to raise your bar out of the gutter

He’s a lying cheat who brags yo you about other women offering him sexual favours, twists it into it being a ‘you’ issue and basically doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.

Let this one go and find your self respect

PullTheBricksDown · 01/06/2025 15:38

What everyone else has said. It's a made up story to either mess with your head, or excuse his own sleazy behaviour when you get to hear about it, or both. Ditch him and don't waste any more head space on him.

WayneEyre · 01/06/2025 15:35

Gave*

WayneEyre · 01/06/2025 15:34

I don't know which is R and UR for the options. I've said you're unreasonable because I think you deserve more.

You need to set the boundary for yourself. He's shown what his are. They encompass not only maintaining friendships where sex is on offer, but actually cheating. Might I add this was at a baby's christening. Not some bacchanal with a mortified apology afterwards. And he is prioritising the woman's feelings anyway.

What would you tell a friend or one of us on here if we reported to you that this was happening in a relationship?

I would suggest you walk away. I also would repeat that you deserve better. You have him one chance.

legoplaybook · 01/06/2025 15:29

He's probably telling you this 'but nothing happened' story, so that when someone tells you that he was too close to this other woman at the christening you will think he's already told you about it.

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