Leaving DH, anyone had any regrets?

So a couple of years ago he was so utterly awesome you picked him to have a family with.

Now he's an Abusive Narc....

You honestly didn't notice the abuse until the children turned up?

He never was that person. He put on an act when you first met and you helped him with his debts and his divorce from his first wife. He is now putting on an act again because he knows you have seen through him and that he is not a good husband, person or father.

If you back down now, he will immediately stop the 'nice guy' act and revert to the behaviour that made you want to leave in the first place.

I don't know how this type of man manages it.

I have a friend, she had a baby with her DH. He was abusive and horrible. She left him and he made everyone think that my friend was "mental". He was so good at it that a couple of mutual friends thought he was really nice and that my friend was indeed mental and they cut contact down with her but continued to see him.

He then got with a succession of women, one of whom had 2 children. She was a nice woman who treated my friend's child very well. My friend was upset when that woman left her ex, because the woman was nice to her child and provided a bit of stability.

Anyway. Twat is in jail for hitting a (different) woman now - heard by neighbours. But he had everyone fooled for more than a decade.

He's a horrible narcissist. He trashed his relationship with your DSC's mum and used you to fix up the resultant chaos. He was a monstrous father going off with you when that child was a baby. I get that you didn't know that it was probably an affair. You definitely should get rid. Perhaps he will snag another woman to support him through court and pay the bill this time.

This is what you really need to understand: who you think he was - actually is a fake person that doesn't exist. He's shown who he is now and he won't be going back to the fake person he was when snagging you. That'll be saved up for his next victim, who he will likely tell that the 2 mothers of his kids are both "mental".

You do need to get rid.

This is really normal. To miss the person you created in your own head with all of his positive qualities and potential.

What helped me when I felt like this was to remind myself of how he actually behaved. And how he never cared how his behaviour made me feel.
Some space and time helped me see the massive red flags I’d ignored or minimised. He was never the person I thought he was.
Give yourself time, you won’t always feel like this.

I think my ex wife regretted that I had left, especially after her subsequent partner left, leaving her with a baby.

Neighbours reported her beating him up in the street, and she wrecked her divorce settlement with me after she declared no intention to remarry or cohabit and moved Mr Punchbag in 4 days later so I suggest that her self awareness was lacking

It can be a good time to really value your self, and some good women friends and leave men for a bit! Other relationships will come in time, really, if you choose them and that can be exciting too - but not for a while! But it can be good to breathe, regroup and find strength elsewhere - not necessarily from a partner. It can be surprising how supportive other women can be in these circumstances. 🙂

Get that list going OP with all the reasons you are unhappy in the relationship! It helps enormously in refinding your strength and independence. If you ponder on what has been lost it won’t help - for me much of what I ‘lost’ was something I’d convinced myself I’d found but never really had, in truth, as he wasn’t the man he’d made himself out to be. Your decisions were right at the time for whatever reason and so many of us have been there - but if you can, try to fix your mind now on going forward - what you do have personally and what your future plans might be. Such partners are good at sensing when you are weaker and therefore being charming and trying to muddle your mind, so during these moments of regret it’s best not to open yourself up to him and do any confiding. He will only use it against you later. The DC will benefit from having a strong happy parent who can live freely; it may just take some time to get your mind clear.

Missing the person you thought he was….the truth is that he isn’t the person you thought he was.
To quote a counsellor “you can always get more money”: don’t worry about the stuff.

I completely understand. I look to lose a fair amount and I am gutted that I wasn't more clever to all of this. However... i just remjnd myself, the money is worth getting rid of him for mine and my kid's sake. Not easy, but at least I don't have to deal with ex every day and run ny own life now. Bitter pill to swallow.

Kindly, stop telling him your plans moving forward. Yellow rock- Google it. Give as little info as possible.
Wishing you and the kids luck. Great advice by @ocelot3, you have to be at least one step ahead.

Spot on. From the point you’ve decided, don’t share your plans with him and definitely get all paperwork etc. I managed to maintain some control of my life when I was in this situation (with a baby) by planning and thinking much more carefully than my ex and always being several steps ahead in my thinking and the advice I had had from a good lawyer. Interestingly, like you, my ex had split with his former partner when when she was pregnant. I wouid also say get the best lawyer you can. I went through two when I was trying to economise, before finding a great one who got the measure of him.

Prove main carer- medical appts, contact at doctors, nursery, who signs forms/accidents at nursery, who organises payments, dentist, health workers communication, hospital visits can ask for records and they usually say mum attended with child. Party organisation proof you booked it, playdates statemebts from parents. If it gets to the point of cafcass being involved they will contact school/nursery, you can ask them to ask who is the main person they contact. It is really hard. My ex wrote a list of jobs he did for the kids, fictional it was literally a list for what I did... but judge took it.

Make sure you have DSC parent’s contact details so you can arrange contact between them.

Did he have 50/50 of his older child before you came in the scene? Does he have 50/50 now?

I do not at all regret leaving my XH, despite the fact it meant being a single mum to five. He said he'd 'take the kids' but couldn't even be bothered to see them more than once a year (and he never paid a penny towards them either). Despite how dreadful it was at times financially, I no longer had to deal with a man who thought going to work was all the contribution to the house that he ever had to make and life was a lot more peaceful after he'd gone.