To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

Sounds tricky OP but cancelling a birthday party? That feels so harsh, at a tricky age where friendships can be very fickle. I'd follow past sage advice to let her earn it back.

One more thought. I don't know how old you are but there are ages where wonky hormones make us more likely to behave 'badly'. Toddler years, teenage, menopause. Hope noone cancels your 55th for rude behaviour.

Awful. It's abusive imo. Yes she needs to face consequences for her bad behaviour but scaling back her birthday so much and only buying her a couple of presents is very mean. You'll only make things worse.

You have to go through with it, it's your only hope of maintaining some sort of authority.

I don't think this is true. Her birthday isn't some final day of reckoning beyond which there is no hope, hence you have to make sure it's ruined for her (as she'll see it and that is of course the intention or OP wouldn't be doing it) so she'll respect you hereafter. I think making it into such a big thing with no backing down helps no one. Authority doesn't have to be draconian. Good leaders can admit if they're wrong or overreacted, and if she can then admit that she's been wrong then you're on the way to building a more functional relationship.

I think this is really harsh and will permanently damage your relationship with her and just push her away and make her feel totally u moved and unable to connect with you.
Say you reacted as you didn’t know what to do about her behaviour and ask her what she thinks she could change. That you would like to work together and have a celebration and make things better

I’d delay it. She can have the shopping trip etc once she starts to behave

“…talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once.”

Have you asked her - and really listened - why she’s acting like this? Teen behaviour doesn’t just happen in a vacuum, there are reasons. Sometimes they’re dumb reasons which need strict parenting, or guidance. Other times it’s because they’re hurting or struggling. I really despair when I read that parents of teens just want to punish without understanding.

I was a nightmare teen. Why? Because I was let down by authoritarian parents who were clueless and not interested in me as a growing individual. Their oh so clever ‘our-home-our-rules’ ‘punishments’ drove me away and I’ve never forgiven them. Don’t be a dick to your teenager. Lovingly try to understand them and mentor them to a better way of dealing with life.

Whilst I am fully in agreement with the sentiment that this child needs to be punished, I’m not sure this is the way to do it. Cancelling the shopping trip with friends will cause massive resentment but won’t teach her anything.She will remember it for ever, and hate you for it. If she has to cancel the trip, she will suffer because her friends are likely to call her out on it.
If it were me, I would cancel the party. I would cancel the birthday tea as well. The reason for this is, can you imagine the atmosphere if you go ahead with it? She will be sullen, may even refuse to eat and will generally make it a hellish occasion. I would give her the presents, have a normal tea, but with birthday cake and leave it at that. Beyond giving her the gifts, I would then totally ignore the fact that it’s her birthday. If she complains,tell her she was lucky to be allowed the shopping trip, and that she nearly lost that. Tell her that it was partly so she wasn’t ridiculed by her friends for not going, but that you would never be agreeable to backing down in future, now that this has shown you how difficult she can be. Hopefully, this will put enough of a damper on things that she might think about her actions and learn from the outcome.
Whatever you do, don’t back down. You are the parent here. Prove it!

It is a bit extreme. Agree with PP who say give her the chance of a delayed celebration if she meets certain goals. But make them realistic. She's still a kid. You can have boundaries without perpetuating this adversarial dynamic.

Unless you've played something down none of what you list is so terrible. Make sure she feels understood. She needs to feel you are in her corner, even when you are setting limits.

You can still celebrate her birthday without needing to go OTT with a shopping spree and a party.

Do cake and presents at home and a trip bowling, cinema etc.

I think you're in the wrong ... A birthday is a celebration of her. A day once a year to shower her with love & attention. What you have mentioned sounds like typical teen stuff. I usually say follow through also but I think it's okay to explain you were frustrated and made a mistake.

You have to go through with it, it's your only hope of maintaining some sort of authority. She's heading off the rails and you need to do what you can to keep her on track.

You've managed to turn spending time with her family on a special occasion into a punishment. That's quite the accomplishment.

You've overreacted so strongly and been so authoritarian over relatively trivial behaviours that you've given her no incentive for changing, in fact, now she's got a reason to have an attitude. She can't earn the party or the shopping back. What next, take away cake? Where will you go from there? There's aren't many more nukes you can drop.

This is her 15th birthday and it's a big deal to her.

You've made a big mistake and acknowledging that is not a parenting misfire, in my opinion.

this is good advice

That's still shit from the pov of a pissed off teen. This is what I mean - it makes celebrating with family into part of the punishment instead of it being a nice thing. If she's mature enough to take it on the chin and enjoy the day with just cake and family, then she doesn't need punishing to this extent anyway and I'd renegotiate to allow the shopping trip if she sorts her behaviours out now. If ehs' not that mature, then she'll spend the day fuming and the family cake celebration will just be occasion for more upset and with some justification.

Excellent post

Connection is needed here. If you cancel her birthday celebrations then you are at a disconnect. You are alienating and pushing her away. You need to bring her in closer.
Be curious, why is she pushing boundaries, what is it that she’s missing that she’s seeking in her behaviour? My teen did some dumb stuff, it was all about self esteem in the end. We didn’t punish and never do. We loved him harder and pulled him closer and he came through it. He’s an adult now and a joy. Teen hormones are so difficult.

I have zero relationship with my parents. They did a lot wrong but one of the most painful memories I have was them telling me I didn’t deserve the Christmas presents they gave me because I had been so bad. They didn’t try and figure out why.

You can back down and you absolutely should.

This.

I think stand by what you've said now you've said it.

However, at least without extra context of what you have tried, it sounds like rather lazy parenting from what you've described. She doesn't sound too bad. Raher her behaviour has been allowed to build up until a convenient occasion to make a point has arisen. I think it's a bit disproportionate. Each incident could have been nipped in the bud at the time harder. Truancy? What's that about, following friends, bullying or struggling with engagement or work?

Definitely do something nice on the day but I would have a rethink about being more on the ball about these minor ish things building up.

This.

They aren’t going to ignore her birthday they said they’d have cake and a small family party

No punishment on any birthday, you need to make exceptions. It's one day.

I think you can give consequences for her behaviour without tying it to her birthday.

Celebrate but keep it low key. Cake with candles and small celebration with closest family. Grandparents etc. Don't go all out. Subtle is best.

A cake and gifts at home is more than acceptable anyway. Stand your ground, she’ll remember this.