Can’t shake the guilt I feel for choosing an only child

There is a lot to be said for only having one child. I honestly wish my parents had had only had one child - my childhood would indubitably been a lot better.

I’m having exactly this money scenario atm.

People who give strong opinions against having just one child are incredibly rude and not worth listening to. They have no idea what your circumstances are. Having children is incredibly hard physically and mentally and frankly, it just isn't for everyone. I'm a perfectly good mother to my daughter but I'd be a crap parent to any more. You don't know this until you have one.

Then of course there are plenty who can't have any more by choice, either medically or perhaps a separation. At this point opinions about this are completely irrelevant and rude.

In a nutshell, stop feeling guilty. There are three people in your family and the parents' wants and needs are just as valid as your child's, if not moreso at this stage.

@Pinkbakewell I am the only child of two only children. Therefore, no aunts, uncles or cousins. I worried me greatly when I was younger that I might one day be all alone and made me determined to have more than one child. It proved quite a feat as we had secondary infertility but it drive me on. Fortunately our grown up children are very close.

DH is one of three and I thought it was wonderful and really hoped to be part of a bigger family and that the DC would ha e cousins as I never did.

The reality is that things don't turn out as you expect. DH's sisters live abroad and have nothing in common with DH except genes. We see one sister about every five years and the other a out every ten. Neither are bothered about their mother and one didn't bother to come home for her father's funeral. DH does everything for his mum. He visits, co-ordinates carers, etc. I have no doubt the sisters will be here on the earliest available flight when MIL dies to claim their third.

I wanted sibs very much as a child and young adult. Life has taught me they aren't everything they are cracked up to be. Also neither of the sibs are that good at social stuff, both are selfish and a bit greedy so the sharing aspect isn't always true.

You have made a nice, stable life for your son. Having another might be challenging for you. I wouldn’t and don't think you or your son need it.

Having siblings isn’t all it’s cracked up to be op honestly, there are so many pros to being an only child and I’d say the fact your dc has formed a good relationship with another dc means he’s well balanced and happy.

Don’t be hard on yourself you sound like such a good mother.

Why will he be lonely.
Will he not have a family of his own in about 20-30 years?

im an only - couldn’t have been happier and didn’t think twice about not having siblings . Don’t anticipate trouble , expecting that your child will miss not having siblings - I didn’t ! Just be the best mum that you can and all will be well

My son is 11 and an only. Wasn't by choice, tried for years for number 2 but it never happened.
He's perfectly happy though and the plus side is we can give him everything and more including our undivided attention and several lovely holidays a year that we couldn't afford with 2.

Try to focus on the positives 😊

Ok I know who an adult only child who is

confident
popular
decent person
sociable
loads of good friends

loves her parents to bits which suggests good childhood

good looking and the kind of girl/woman people fancy and could attract all the sought after, good looking males - I know this is luck

seems to have had a fabulous life thus far

I’ll just leave that there.

I have taught many very happy only children! It sounds like you did absolutely the right thing for your mental health and wellbeing. Having a happy, thriving parent is the most important thing for a child to be happy and settled. Enjoy all the wonderful things about being a tight unit of three and don’t let off hand comments by idiots knock you from what you know is the right thing for you guys.

I know lots of happy only children - kids and adults. I know lots of people who have really shit relationships with their siblings in childhood and adulthood, or who have operated basically as only children because their siblings were no help in family crises, stressful times etc. My own DM loves her brothers and they are quite close but I think her life would be a lot easier without them.

Please don't feel guilty. Siblings don't always get along and at least by having one, you can give them all of your attention, go places they want to go, help with their homework in peace. Having more than one child is incredibly stressful. In my experience, I'm either trying to chop myself in half in a bid to please everyone, trying to find a compromise or playing referee because they won't stop arguing. Going out has been incredibly difficult. No-one can ever agree on places to eat out, where to go or what film to watch in the cinema. My children have completely different personalities, tastes in food and film. Someone is always upset when we go out, usually me from the stress of it all!

I have a brother 3 years older than me. The last time I saw him was at our Dad's funeral 3 years ago. We don't speak or message. Apart from accident of birth, we have nothing in common whatsoever.

Parents do NOT have any sort of 'duty' to give their child a sibling and it's not remotely "cruel" not to do so. I wonder how those parents who have only been able to birth one child feel when they hear that awful comment about it being "cruel" not to have another one?

No advice, just solidarity! OP I could have written this myself (although my child is only 3). I have been feeling increasing pressure to have another and have discussed it with my DH who is very much on the fence. I constantly feel overstimulated, and although I love my DC more than anything in the world, the thought of another doesn’t make me excited - it fills me dread!
But, like you, I feel so very guilty as if I’m not a proper mother and I’m being cruel to my child. I’ve had a comment from a friend’s mum at her baby shower that not giving a child a sibling is the “cruelest thing you can do to a child” which upset me so much.
I constantly worry that she will be lonely and unhappy and it will be all my fault. People do react oddly when you say you don’t want any more children so it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong.

What on earth is the problem with being an only child?

You have an obligation to care for your children, OP. To safeguard their physical and mental wellbeing and to prepare them for adulthood. Nowhere is that is to provide a sibling for them. This is YOUR life, not theirs.

I have friends who are only children and they are lovely, happy well-adjusted adults. Honestly, please don't feel guilty! There are pros and cons for only children and for having siblings, no-one has a perfect life. Siblings don't always get on. I have 5 children and have at times felt guilty that they didn't each get enough individual attention (although I tried my absolute best to make sure they did) Only children might at times feel lonely and they don't have siblings to share the worries of caring for elderly parents later in life (although there's no guarantees siblings would help anyway!)

I think as long as you make sure your son has plenty of friends over to play and you encourage socialising, he will be fine. And you will have a close relationship with him which is lovely.

I wish I'd been an only. My mum had my sibling when I was 5. She then developed pnd which was never treated (this was in the 70s) and our lives were miserable thereafter. I've seen photos of me up to age 5 where I look happy and well cared for. The photos past that age tell a different story.

I was always expected to entertain my sibling, when I just wanted to do my own thing. As adults, my sibling is quite a burden to me, as they have quite severe MH issues. But I feel a sense of duty to try and help them.

With all the kindness in the world, given all you've said, i think having another child would do more harm than good to your existing child.

Even in an ideal scenario, many siblings aren't close as adults. I had 2 DC who are now adults. Yes they love each other and care about each other. But on a day to day basis, they don't actually do anything together. They never just chat or hang out, unless we're all together. There's been no drama or falling out but they are opposite sex and very different people.

They only really played together from the ages of around 3/4 to 8/9 (there was 18 months between them). Your DS is already nearly 7. He'd be heading into high school before any sibling was 3 or 4. He's not going to be interested tbh. You really have no reason to feel any guilt.

To be fair, a 7 year old and a newborn wouldn't really be doing much together anyway..... by the time you had a 2 year old you'd have a 9 year old getting stressed with a bossy toddler.... you'd have a 12 year old with a 5 year old,

My mum had me and 2 of my sisters all within 3 years..... then she had another baby when we were 7 8 and 9..... and even now, none of us are close with her.

Too much of an age gap, not a lot in common.... and she's just always been so immature compared to us ( which obviously she would, with the age gap )

I know it hurts her we are not as close with her. But she has always been annoying and that has carried on as we have grown up

Mu kids are 8 and 10 now amd I'd like another, but I'm under no illusion that they'd be close if I did.

I was one and done. Hated being pregnant, had a rubbish birth and realised fairly early on that parenting wasn’t for me. DS is now grown up and says he had a wonderful childhood, and has some great memories of the places we travelled and the opportunities he had that simply wouldn’t have been possible if he had siblings.

On the other hand, I’m one of three and we’ve never got on. Even now in our mid to late fifties, we still argue!

I had one biological child too, with only much older step siblings. I couldn’t handle two either; that’s why I got my tubes removed. It would be nice for DD to have someone close to play and grow up with, but I’d be doing a disservice to both children if I had another one. I just find her other little kids to play with as often as I can.

On the bright side, your DC gets all of your parental attention, time and resources; it’s not divided and shared between siblings.

Not to diminish your feelings at all, but you’ve done nothing wrong with just having one. I am one. You are doing a fantastic job and I think it’s actually very sensible that you’ve been honest with yourself and stopped at one. I’ve just had another, my eldest is 4 and I feel guilty that I’ve had another, I grieve it just being us. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, the truth is he will be absolutely fine and he doesn’t need a sibling, especially if his mother doesn’t want one xx

OP you sound like a lovely mum who has made the right decision for your family. I am an only child and I had a great childhood. As I have gone through life I have wondered what it would have been like if I had siblings. I married into a big family and have had 3 of my own now so don’t think about it too much anymore. As PP have said there is no guarantee that siblings would get on. Definitely don’t feel guilty, lots of content only children on this thread 😊

My dd is a young adult now. She wasn't an only child by choice but it's the way things worked out, and I wouldn't actually have it any other way now. She is happy, confident, considerate and finds it very easy to make friends. I've asked her if she has ever wished that she had a sibling, and she says that she can't miss what she never had. She knows that some siblings get on and some don't, so there's no way of knowing what would have happened if we'd had another dc.