Can’t shake the guilt I feel for choosing an only child

Hey just wanted to thank you for sharing this thread. Our little boy and we’re one and done after three miscarriages and a suspected ectopic. Last loss was in May at ten weeks - missed miscarriage, had surgery and what was promised to be straight forward resulted in way more blood loss then anticipated and I was very sick for weeks after. Honestly it broke me to a point I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it and the short and sweet is my body just cannot do a pregnancy and loss again. I turn 39 shortly after Xmas and husband turns 43, we are shattered. Ten years in the journey. Could go down the route of ivf, but I just know we’re done. Have decided to not keep putting me through the stress and risks of it all, and my husband through the worry and trauma any more. We are visibly relieved, but grappling with guilt and anxiety at “giving up” - me especially. I worry I am being weak and selfish, but then I imagine if someone else in my shoes said this back to me, how utterly ridiculous Id think they were.

anyway rambling but I’m working with a counsellor to accept and make peace of how things have worked out. I get anxious but then I remember how troubled having three siblings is, the constant bickering and competition, and how peaceful and self assured but kind my only child husband is. And I realise we just can’t guarantee anything in life. Siblings could be awful, or they could be great. Either way it’s not worth me worrying about. What I am determined to do is heal, get my mental and physical health in order and give my little man the best childhood and life I possibly can. Already looking at going part time when he’s in school. Just so many more options I never thought I’d have. Anyway food for thought. I hope you’ve found peace with your decision OP. X

I have one child. We actively chose to not to try for another child for many reasons.
I hated being pregnant, the cost and impact on my career were the main issues for me.

We've made sure DS has a wide network of friends and hobbies so he's sociable and great with people. He asked a few times about a sibling when he was younger and we just explained that we were happy with one child and talked about how lucky he was to have great cousins/friends etc and discussed the benefits of being an only child. He never even mentions it now unless it's to say how annoying his friends younger siblings are and how much he likes having his own space at home!

DS is 11 and we discuss life choices and we make it clear that families choose what is right for them and there is no right and wrong. This has included the choice to just have one child and my choice to work full time ( most of his friends mums work part time). We're honest about our choices and don't dwell on the 'what ifs'!

It’s perspective OP - focus on the positives! Loads of positives to being an only. Financial, attention, can have loads of friends round to play all the time etc.

I have 3 and if I was to look at the negatives I too would get down on myself like you are about having 1. Not as much attention, not as much money, not as much time. But I choose to focus on the multiple positives.

The what ifs exist either way though. A guy I was in school with is dead because his brother had an affair with his wife and he killed himself.

An extreme example, but life is one long series of what ifs.

There's never any guarantee he will have a good relationship with siblings either.

I’m an only, I’m also the daughter of an only & the mother of an only. I’d say there are pluses and minuses to both. I’ve never felt guilty though.

I'm an only child and this post makes me really sad. I had the best childhood, loads of friends and have done very well for myself thanks to my wonderful parents. I overheard these 2 women talking once saying having just one child is equal to child abuse and it made me so angry. I never missed having a sibling. I think people imagine it being like having siblings and then having them taken away - it isn't! You do what's right for your family. I have plenty of friends with siblings who have bad relationships and issues. It depends on what works for your family.

There's never any guarantee of that. But good friendships are worth a lot.

Only child here. Would have hated siblings.

Why would a sibling necessarily be company? More likely it would feel like an annoying competitor for a parents affection. And later on, just a general pain in the arse. You don't want to be studying for exams with a child in the home kicking off for a start.

In adulthood it might be nice but I don't think I'd want the trade off of things that could go wrong. Eg, them being an arsehole and having to keep seeing them at family affairs.

Has your child expressed any real desire or even mild intersect in siblings? Otherwise, let it go. You'd only be creating their competition.

Please don’t feel guilty. I’m sure you all have a lovely family life and your DC is lucky to have you. As many have said there are absolutely no guarantees that a sibling relationship works out and you can’t compare your current situation an the imaginary ideal.

You feeling guilty could actually be the thing that causes the most issues with having an only. I have several friends and family with one child and the main problem is that they do tend to put the child first a bit too much. They are aware of the “they have to learn to share” scenario, but it’s embedded in their everyday lives that the child is always put first for anything other than the most important things. It’s natural, everyone wants to make their child happy, but when there isn’t another equally important child with different wants to have to balance, that leads to the child never really having to take anyone else into account and it shows. I can see the parent feeling guilty about the lack of sibling exacerbating that even more.

I’m an only and I never felt a huge desire for siblings growing up and generally feel it’s been better being an only (lots of attention, no “who gets what” issues, very close relationship with parents etc). I had close friends and didn’t feel I missed out.

The only slight negative is now I’m older I feel I bit sad that I’ll have no relations left of my generation or older when they’re gone and no one to share the potential needs of their old age with. But I think I’d still have chosen this if it had been my choice.

My son is an only child. He's mid twenties now.
I had wanted more but had miscarriages and then also realised I had an abusive prick for a husband so I left him and so having another never happened.
I can't imagine how life would have been if I'd had more children.

My DS was always happy and funny and never had to share my attention or time with anyone else. He had friends at school, including other children who had no siblings either. He's still best friends with two of them despite them all going off in separate directions after leaving school, they still get back together most weekends.

I felt guilty at the time too, but everything was just fine. And there's a fair chance if he'd had siblings they would have just annoyed him and they wouldn't have got on anyway. I didn't get on with mine and we're don't speak to each other these days.

I’m one and done. She was diagnosed ASD at 14 and I am also self diagnosed late in life. She would hate a sibling, loves being an only child. Our house is quiet and peaceful, our routine revolves around DDs needs (and these days, to some extent, mine). So pleased we didn’t have a second!

You absolutely do not need to feel guilty!!

I felt guilty for having a second child, for years!! I kept thinking DS1 would have rather not have had a sibling! and now his attention was split!

We can't win! There is always something to feel guilty about! Don't!

Your child is lucky they have you to love them!

Ds is an only, and has definitely had times when he longed for a sibling. But his dad was very ill and neither of us felt able to cope having more. As a whole family it was the best choice for us. I think ds is happy enough tbh, its OK.

You need to firmly tell your mother once and for all to stop, or you will no longer visit.
She is extremely rude.
Your choices are none of her business.
This is no doubt where a lot of your anxiety stems from.

See less of her. If she mentions it, gather your stuff immediately an leave.
You do not have to tolerate such rudeness.
Your reproductive choices are really nothing to do with her.

45% of dependent children in the UK are only children.

It is now the most common family size.

Whilst I don’t relate to wanting an only child (I plan to have 4!), I think there’s absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about.

If you have one child who is loved and cared for you should be proud of him and of yourself for the parent who are to him. It takes a good parent to know what you can cope with, and to not bring another life into the world if you don’t think you could be the sort of parent you’d want to him or her.

Your son may wish he had a sibling, but it will not be something that holds him back or severely disadvantages him in any way. If he’s got you and his dad to love him, guide him and provide for him then he will likely grow into a fine young man one day with or without a sibling.

Exactly this.

I'm an only child and I often think how I would've actually found it quite traumatising having to share my grandparents or mother with another sibling.
I'm very grateful I'm an only child and although I know it'll be hard not having someone to share the load with when my parent dies and I'm in the throes of grief, I really think it would've been quite awful for me to have had a sibling growing up.

I think you are being very sensible with your decision especially with the compounding issues. I don't think your son would thank you long-term for introducing a sibling with a 7 year age gap.

I am fond of my brothers now, but I know my childhood would have been better without them in it. My mum simply didn't have the resources (in many ways) to care for three, and I think we all suffered as a result.

OP, your reasoning is sound. And remember that there are no guarantees in life: giving your child siblings does not ensure they have love and companionship in childhood or adulthood. Stick to your guns.

Perfectly content one and done here. Siblings are over rated and 40% of children are only children now.

People should only have multiple
children if they want more children in their own right. Creating a human being as a pet for someone else is entirely wrong. No-one
needs siblings.

My own brother and I were ok but never close as kids, and I see little of him as an adult
although we get on fine. We are just different people. My ex has 2 siblings and they are NC.