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Original poster

Stepchild (3) saying concerning things about her mum

37 replies

safezone · 01/06/2025 10:56

I’ve been in my stepchild’s life for 2 years, she is with us “technically” 50% as per the court order, but she is actually here a lot more because her mum asks my partner to have her extra nights if she is away for the weekend or wants a break. We’ve always been totally fine with this. Recently her mum has been calling my partner late at night (he doesn’t answer) and then will send a text saying that her daughter is acting up and won’t sleep. Partner has asked her to contact him only in an emergency as he can’t parent over the phone.

She came to us on Saturday morning and her mum was saying she had been “a nightmare”, hitting her and screaming. Stepchild has been fine here but said to me last night when we were playing “mummy was shouting and screaming and crying”. I said “oh no that’s not good” and she said “she was so loud”. I told my partner and I’m concerned as is he.

I do think she struggles - DSD has come here in dirty clothes, nappies (she is toilet trained), dirty finger nails and tatted hair before. Dsd has also imitated her mummy being sick when she was hungover.

im really concerned about her, but I am also aware it’s not my place at all to say anything or do anything.

I don’t have kids - is this normal? Should kids be exposed to screaming and parents crying? Partner is at his wits end but is scared she will make things harder for him if he says anything. there are no tantrums here so I don’t know how it is for her. I just don’t want dsd to be scared or anxious

OP posts:
Stopitbella · 01/06/2025 11:25

What do you say to her when she tells you these things?

My son used to say similar about me at that age to his dad and his girlfriend. But they would egg him on, give him lots of attention, talk about it with him, give him sympathy. It wasn’t true. When I talked it through with his dad, and he stopped engaging so much when ds would tell him things it stopped. Ds was getting so much attention when he told his dad bad things about me, it snowballed.

I am not saying it’s not true in your case - but sometimes children will keep saying the things they think you want to hear, and say it more to please the other parent, especially if there has been any tension between parents.

HappyNewTaxYear · 01/06/2025 11:22

Hufflemuff · 01/06/2025 11:06

At 3 yo its hard to gage how reliable the story is. At 3 my DD would repeat the same stories over and over (about a pet scratching her). It happened once, but where she would retell the story to the same people, it sounded like we had this devil cat who only existed to torture DD.

I'd probably try and observe the mum with the daughter a bit and see how she's reacting to her. Is she snappy, does she set firm but fair boundaries, does she fly off the handle quickly over small things.

However, please don't compare her at yours to her at home. There are 2 of you to parent her at your house and it could be that she just really chooses to act up for her mum.

What if the child is right though? There are already signs of neglect.

This is how abuse gets ignored. It’s explained away. Either scenario could be true so it’s imperative that it’s looked into.

EleanorReally · 01/06/2025 11:21

dirty clothes and matted hair sound terrible

minnienono · 01/06/2025 11:19

Firstly your dp needs a proper legal agreement in place so no threats can be made. Secondly once in place he needs to speak, maybe with mediation in place, with her mum and find out if mum would prefer to change the domicile so she lives with you if she’s no coping, make it clear it’s not about maintenance but what is best for the child. So often 50/50 is to avoid maintenance. It may be mum really isn’t coping

Original poster
safezone · 01/06/2025 11:14

Thanks everyone. what should I be saying when she tells me mummy was crying or screaming? I don’t want to invalidate but also don’t want to stir the pot (so to speak). I’m worried about saying the wrong thing.

She doesn’t say it as much to DH, but she used to in the past

OP posts:
Dramatic · 01/06/2025 11:10

Sometimes kids will only play up for one parent and be absolutely fine with the other, it doesn't necessarily mean anything untoward is happening, but some of the things you've noticed do sound concerning. I'd keep a close eye for now because none of it sounds serious enough for social services and if you were to raise it she could become hostile towards you.

Original poster
safezone · 01/06/2025 11:09

Hufflemuff · 01/06/2025 11:06

At 3 yo its hard to gage how reliable the story is. At 3 my DD would repeat the same stories over and over (about a pet scratching her). It happened once, but where she would retell the story to the same people, it sounded like we had this devil cat who only existed to torture DD.

I'd probably try and observe the mum with the daughter a bit and see how she's reacting to her. Is she snappy, does she set firm but fair boundaries, does she fly off the handle quickly over small things.

However, please don't compare her at yours to her at home. There are 2 of you to parent her at your house and it could be that she just really chooses to act up for her mum.

Thanks for this perspective. I agree, it’s hard to know if it’s exaggerated.

She is married so there are 2 parents at her house too.

OP posts:
Hufflemuff · 01/06/2025 11:08

safezone · 01/06/2025 11:06

DH was never in a relationship with her mum but he is cordial with her. He is frightened that if anything is mentioned her mum will stop contact with him (she has threatened this before). DSD mum seems like an okay person, but she has refused to meet me.

Im not sure what could be behind this - she seems to struggle (no judgement at all, like I said I have no kids) with her generally

Is there a court order in place securing your DH visitation? If so, she wouldn't be able to just pull her daughters visits from him without breaking that order.

Also it sounds like she really needs support, so it wouldn't be in her best interests to get rid of the person helping her with her DD 50% of the time.

Hufflemuff · 01/06/2025 11:06

At 3 yo its hard to gage how reliable the story is. At 3 my DD would repeat the same stories over and over (about a pet scratching her). It happened once, but where she would retell the story to the same people, it sounded like we had this devil cat who only existed to torture DD.

I'd probably try and observe the mum with the daughter a bit and see how she's reacting to her. Is she snappy, does she set firm but fair boundaries, does she fly off the handle quickly over small things.

However, please don't compare her at yours to her at home. There are 2 of you to parent her at your house and it could be that she just really chooses to act up for her mum.

Original poster
safezone · 01/06/2025 11:06

DH was never in a relationship with her mum but he is cordial with her. He is frightened that if anything is mentioned her mum will stop contact with him (she has threatened this before). DSD mum seems like an okay person, but she has refused to meet me.

Im not sure what could be behind this - she seems to struggle (no judgement at all, like I said I have no kids) with her generally

OP posts:
curiouscat1987 · 01/06/2025 11:01

You sound like a lovely caring stepmum!

I think you should just monitor the situation going forward. Its entirely possible that sd was acting out and doing what her mum said, and her mum lost her cool and was crying and raising her voice (not ideal obviously but everyones human). Its also possible that her mum said that to excuse her own poor behaviour. Keep an eye, keep on being a source of support and stability for your sd, and if youre able, being able to take her when her mum needs extra help is a great idea.

What does your partner think about whats going on?

CornflowerDusk · 01/06/2025 10:59

Do you or DH know mum quite well? Do you have a sense of what might be behind the struggles you describe?