Stepchild (3) saying concerning things about her mum

She's not going anywhere? She's been on the scene for 2 years. It's not even a long term relationship yet.

And yes, respect. Respect the mums wishes instead of pushing yourself in on events when you've been on the scene for around 24 months. I certainly wouldn't be stepping on toes like this. Why would you? What is actually the need to push your presence into events like this when the child's mother does not want you at her 3 year old daughters event?

OP is supporting the child 50% of the time, has been in her life for 2 out of 3 years, and will soon have the little sibling of this child. She isn't going anywhere. If the step dad can attend then so can the step mum. Equal and respectful. It should be about what the child wants and not what mum wants (unless there are safety concerns about OP, but it seems like the safety concerns about mum).

'DSD has come here in dirty clothes, nappies (she is toilet trained), dirty finger nails and tatted hair before. Dsd has also imitated her mummy being sick when she was hungover.' It sounds to me like she is neglecting her daughter, whether due to her own mental health, alcoholism or whatever is irrelevant. She is manipulative and clearly doesn't have the necessary skills to parent her daughter. The child is not in a good place & I would seriously consider getting professional advice before the situation gets worse.

It's called respect though, if the child's mum doesn't want the OP at her child's events then I'd respect that.

As an aside, poor kid is only 3, she has all these random stepparents involved in her life, she gets shipped off to different houses. It's not great

We have made it more than clear to DSDs mum that she is always welcome here, but we know she keeps dropping her off at her sisters, mums or neighbours overnight if she is out drinking. I don’t think she’s an alcoholic but definitely prioritises a night out inside of being with DSD.

Your DH has to wind his neck in with his "he won't engage with her" and start putting his child first.

Why is passively allowing his child to be dropped off at random neighbours?

If mum calls at 11pm and the child is saying worrying things then he should be going to collect his child if necessary. If his child is in an unsafe situation then he needs to start being proactive about it and stop just ignoring anything that happens on Mums time

If he's leaving her in an unsafe situation then he's complicit in the situation and isn't someone who should currently be having more children until he takes proper care of the one he's for.

Hang on…just reread the bit about being dropped off at the neighbours!! Does DH know the neighbour?? I have never known my neighbours well enough to leave my 3 yr old overnight with them. I know it’s not totally unheard of, but even with the neighbours I’d consider friends, there is no way I’d be leaving a young child with them overnight especially when dad would take them.

That’s really bad.

Ok, so time to change things.

Your DH has parental rights so the school cannot stop him from attending events etc and neither can his ex. He has the right to be involved in his daughter’s life and find out things that are happening at nursery/school etc. Your DH can put your name down as a contact. It’s not all the ex’s decision. How many times on hear do you hear of mum’s being unable to prevent their abusive husband’s collecting children from school etc? Schools cannot stop them without a court order precisely because they have parental responsibility so they have the legal right to collect their child. What I’m saying is that your DH is not powerless here.

If ex is blocking contact then he takes her to court. Everything should be done in the best interest of the 3 yr old and I personally don’t think that should include living with a mum who can’t even do basic parenting. No wonder she was “tantruming” at 11pm, she would have been exhausted. That is neglectful, especially if it’s happening regularly. How often is mum going out drinking? What about her husband? Does he go out too? Chaotic households are not in the best interest of children. Being shunted from pillar to post, seeing your mum barfing due to being hungover, the shouting, crying, aggression…not a great start to life.

Why doesn’t DSD come live with you then mum can have contact when she’s got free time? Both of you can provide a settled, secure, reliable life and she can have erratic contact with mum at the weekends.

Because she cares.

I think your DH needs to speak to the nursery asap. Tomorrow morning. Explain what he's noticed, factually, and ask if they have any concerns. Eg does she miss days without notice? Does she arrive in dirty clothes?

Then I'd consider contacting social services. If they have a court order he has legal recourse if she ceases visitation.

All parents shout sometimes. Regularly screaming and crying, though, isn't normal. I think "how did that make you feel?" is a perfectly ok response to DSD taking about things like this. As much as possible, let DSD take the lead in conversations.

Why is this your problem to sort and not the child's father?

Dad doesn't need to sit with her, she can't stop you attending of you organise extra tickets via the school office. Dad can add you to the pick up list and inform mum. She could remove you again, but it would be seen as unreasonable as her husband is on the list and there are no safeguarding concerns about you.

I do think there are big concerns wjth mum. I think you need to keep a diary and evidence everything. Eventually it may be worth going to court to get it all in writing so she can't threaten to stop contact. Also to get support as mum isn't caring appropriately for daughter when dad can.

If this were reversed and it was dad, everyone would be screaming he's abusive. Because it's mum, she must be 'struggling'. Munsnet double standards here again.

I think dad needs to rethink contact iwth nursery/school. He needs to have an active role with the staff to make sure communication is clear. But mainly, because kids remember who showed up to those special days. The sports days, nursery graduation and everything else. And I think you sound like a caring mum so you should go too. He might just need that support.
I would speak to nursery and say about the worries, see if they have any. At the least they will log the conversation. I would also just keep having little one extra everytime it is offered. Eventually dad might be able to say, 'oh I'm happy having her every tuesday' or whatever it may be. Sounds like such a difficult situation.
I do think dad meeting with mum to discuss the videos that have been sent is important. Mum is reaching out for help, worth trying it as she initiated.

I was all ready to tell you to take it with a pinch of salt from the title alone.
My son told my mum once that I screamed at him, and told her to have a word with me 🙄. She couldn't hide her surprise and said "really?!" And he said "well she shouted" and that became "she told me off".... I had told him not to give out all the food in his lunch box because it always meant he was hungry in the afternoon and I don't mind spending money on feeding him but it's not for everyone else. 🤷‍♀️ It wasn't even a cross tone!

But the rest is concerning. I think I would ask him to speak to nursery about the physical appearance if he doesn't think she would react well to hearing from him directly. If he says he is concerned about how she is coping and wants to make sure she is supported, they should keep an extra close eye on things and offer early help if appropriate.

As a total outsider who has no experience at all of shared child care something doesn’t sit right with me about her time at mums. I might be barking up the wrong tree though, so don’t be afraid to shout me down.
If I’ve read what you say correctly mum is living with her husband so she’s not (or shouldn’t be) parenting the little girl on her own. Surely it’s him who should be supporting her when the little girl won’t settle and mum is upset. Perhaps I’m adding up 2 and 2 to make 5 here but it could well be that all is not well in the marriage and he is not such a caring step parent as you are. Do they have children together?
Irrespective of what the little girl has said to you about mummy crying the fact that she has sometimes arrived with you unkempt is yet another sign to me that all is not well when she’s with her.
As to what can be done about it - hopefully others will be able to guide you in a direction that OH would be happy to take.
As I see it the little girl is lucky that her dad has a supportive partner who cares about her wellbeing

Was DSD still awake at 11pm or was that when she sent the video? Can you find out when it was actually taken.

Things I’d be concerned about:

DSD saying the shouting, screaming and crying was “so loud”. How often does that happen?
DSD imitating someone being sick (I think I may have barfed the next day a couple of times in my life and that was when I was young and still drank. That’s. Lot of booze to ingest. Where are the kids when that’s happening?).
Being put in nappies despite being toilet trained (why do that unless you’re not going to be available to help the child go to the toilet).
DSD not displaying any of the behaviours described by mum when she’s at yours.
Matted hair, dirty finger nails etc. My DC generally look like Stig of the Dump but it’s “new” dirt if that makes sense? They are covered in lunch from a couple of hours ago or they’re fresh grass stains. They wear clean, fresh clothes every day (then trash them as the day goes on).
Does DSD seem tired when she comes to you? Hungry? Any unusual bruises? What’s her complexion like? Rosy cheeks with no dark circles under her eyes? (Many kids who get enough sleep can have dark circles so it’s a potential piece of the puzzle rather than a conclusive indicator of something, as are most of the things I’ve mentioned).

Are there other siblings? Taking a massive leap to a probably wrong but not entirely impossible conclusion, I’d say mum has a drinking problem that is resulting in neglect and frequent angry outbursts which is also impacting her ability to parent well.

Take a look at the whole picture, not just individual events. When mum is calling your DH, is DSD still awake. What were the circumstances around the tantrum video ie why was she tantruming?

This is a tricky one, as a lot of this could be a sign of something more, or could happen in an otherwise good home, on a particularly bad day.

It's totally understandable (though not ideal) to lose your temper and shout at a 3yo who's tantruming and hitting. Crying in front of a child when overwhelmed or possibly if feeling guilty about the shouting, I also understand (again not good, but we all have limits). Your partner could gently offer more suport, but be careful not to be perceived as criticising.

In term of replying if the child mentions it, I'd explain that we all get big feelings sometimes, that adults should try to express those feeling's in a way that isn't scary to her, but unfortunately the feeling must have got too big and mummy didn't manage to do that this time.

The matted hair and dirty cloths would be more of a concern for me, though would really depend how often and to what extent. If my kids go in the garden for 10 minutes while I pack the bag to go out, by the time we're ready to go they could look like they haven't been washed for a week. Or some day's I don't brush DD's hair until just before we go out, so if anyone called round in the morning she would look a bit scruffy in yesterday's plaits. I can kind of see as a one off, if they were rushing to get ready for hand over, the mum might have left the hair for dad to do when she got there, as the better option to being late. I guess it depends if it's 'hasn't been brushed since yesterday' level of matted or 'hasn't been brushed since last week'.

He needs to put that aside for the sake of this child. It isn’t about him and what he wants. The mother of his child is struggling, he needs to put his child first.

She didn’t have to meet you if she didn’t want to. You may be in a relationship with her child’s father, but he’s the one she needs to have a good relationship with and vice versa.

Your husband is making his life and his child’s like so much harder with this. It’s so much easier for the child when their parents get on and help each other out, meet and talk, do things together with the child, go to school events together. I speak from experience.

Your husband needs to put his daughter first.

I think you'd be best to raise it with nursery and ask them to support mum.

I would say note down anything you notice, or SD says that concerns you, and take photos. This is so if anything happens where you need to action, you have a log of your concerns and photo evidence.

Would she meet up with him to discuss? It sounds like she’s struggling and asking for help via the videos.

I’ve always found that meeting in person is better for these sort of things.

Would he be able to suggest the two of them meet?