Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I in the wrong?

121 replies

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:02

This is a long story so I apologise. Currently my ex has the kids on a Sunday and Monday as I work. I have told him it would be better for everybody to do every other weekend as he will get to spend 2 full days with them instead of putting them into breakfast/after school club. It takes me so long to get all their stuff ready for the Monday and it is just a pain, I don’t need him to have them on those days. He says he can’t do every other weekend as he goes out etc, I told him this is how it is and he walked away and kicked my car door. He then said he is going to take my car (granted he did pay for it when we were together but it was part of our household bills as I paid nursery fees etc) it makes no sense for him to take the car as I use it to take the kids to school etc, I am so tired of him trying to control me, I have literally bent over backwards to try and support him seeing the kids and he could have them as much as he likes. I
am taking them away tomorrow for a week and I asked him if he would like to have them on the Saturday as he won’t see them, he said no he is busy. It’s like they are a chore to him and it breaks my heart.

OP posts:
Tulipsontoast · 01/06/2025 18:44

Did you explain that it could be eow and time in the week? Has he assumed that he would see them less?
Does his work allow for him to have them after school during the week?

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 18:37

RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 17:55

I would assume he's local if he's having them on a school night. The OP has said he's welcome to have them through the week for teatimes etc but not overnight as it entails more hassle for her. I imagine if he said he had it covered and she could rely on him to sort uniforms, bags, homework etc it might change things but that requires actual thought, planning and effort.

Show quote history

Why would it be more hassle for her, she sends their uniform with them they have tea with dad sleep over and he takes them to school? She doesn’t have to do homework before they go, they can do it at dads and if they don’t and school says anything she tells them they were at dads. There’s a lot of what is best for OP and her life but not actually what is best for the children just Op.

RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 17:55

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 17:44

Does he live local to you and would his work hours allow time to see them whenever he wanted?

Show quote history

I would assume he's local if he's having them on a school night. The OP has said he's welcome to have them through the week for teatimes etc but not overnight as it entails more hassle for her. I imagine if he said he had it covered and she could rely on him to sort uniforms, bags, homework etc it might change things but that requires actual thought, planning and effort.

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 17:44

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:51

He can have them any other day that he wants as well as this

Show quote history

Does he live local to you and would his work hours allow time to see them whenever he wanted?

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 17:42

KatyaKat · 01/06/2025 16:58

It wouldn't be less; they're at school for most of Monday. If he did EOW it would be 2 full days, albeit once every two weeks. Definitely more quality time with him for the kids, obviously less convenient for him though.

Show quote history

But he’s seeing them less often, currently he is seeing them weekly, although it may work out less hours he may prefer seeing them weekly than every other week

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 17:07

KatyaKat · 01/06/2025 16:58

It wouldn't be less; they're at school for most of Monday. If he did EOW it would be 2 full days, albeit once every two weeks. Definitely more quality time with him for the kids, obviously less convenient for him though.

Show quote history

He could also have them one or 2 days on the week he doesn’t see them, but yes it will more quality time which he should be grateful for. It just doesn’t work on school days.

OP posts:
KatyaKat · 01/06/2025 16:58

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 16:46

Yes he has them less by the sounds of it, no wonder he was upset

Show quote history

It wouldn't be less; they're at school for most of Monday. If he did EOW it would be 2 full days, albeit once every two weeks. Definitely more quality time with him for the kids, obviously less convenient for him though.

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:57

Callie247 · 01/06/2025 16:53

If this is grounded in resentment that he gets a social life but you don't then I think maybe look at the whole situation a little more. He gets them Sundays and Mondays. Does it really matter how many hours and minutes of those two days he gets as long as he has them?

Show quote history

It does matter, it takes so long to get everything ready for school and make sure their homework is done and they read. I even have to pack their water bottles! It’s too much for the sake of one day. They hate going to wrap around care, it is all just unnecessary. I can take them to school and pick them up and still work. I am not trying to stop him from seeing them, I would love for him to have them more but it is just when it suits him. He isn’t going to see them for a week now and I suggested he had them on Saturday as well as Sunday, he said no, he was busy.

OP posts:
Callie247 · 01/06/2025 16:53

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:40

Because then he gets to spend full days with them. No getting ready for school etc. it’s easier for everybody but he said he can’t because he won’t be able to have a social life. I don’t have any social life currently, I am either working or with the kids (it doesn’t bother me but why does he get to control everything). This way he gets to spend 2 solid days with them.

Show quote history

If this is grounded in resentment that he gets a social life but you don't then I think maybe look at the whole situation a little more. He gets them Sundays and Mondays. Does it really matter how many hours and minutes of those two days he gets as long as he has them?

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:51

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 16:46

Yes he has them less by the sounds of it, no wonder he was upset

Show quote history

He can have them any other day that he wants as well as this

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 16:50

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:15

Can’t he just deny that though and say he does have them? They will contact him?

Show quote history

If he does have them don’t lie and say you have them 100%. That’s bad advice. Even if cms did believe you he could quite easily take you to court and prove he has them. Why waste everyone’s time and money?

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 16:46

Callie247 · 01/06/2025 14:58

That’s how it reads to me? So he has them less?

Show quote history

Yes he has them less by the sounds of it, no wonder he was upset

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 16:45

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:17

I just can’t believe his reaction, kicking my car door and threatening to take the car just so I will roll over and say ok let’s stick to how it is because it benefits him. I am so tired of him calling all of the shots. He did this when we were together, went out when he liked, pleased himself really. Very selfish

You also handled this wrong, you told him it’s better for everyone to do what you want when it’s not actually because he will see his kids less, the only person it sounds better for is you. So whilst I don’t condone kicking a car door I understand him being upset. You should of asked for a conversation about it instead of telling him!

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:41

House0fBamboo · 01/06/2025 16:21

No such thing as a light hearted use of retard ffs it's offensive and loses any high ground you may have had.

ok, I am sorry if I offended anybody, just wound up at the moment and you’re right I shouldn’t have used that word.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:40

Callie247 · 01/06/2025 16:28

Does he know that he can have them any other days? Why does it have to be every other weekend?

Show quote history

Because then he gets to spend full days with them. No getting ready for school etc. it’s easier for everybody but he said he can’t because he won’t be able to have a social life. I don’t have any social life currently, I am either working or with the kids (it doesn’t bother me but why does he get to control everything). This way he gets to spend 2 solid days with them.

OP posts:
Callie247 · 01/06/2025 16:28

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 15:10

Well if he wants to see them in the week that he misses a week that is absolutely fine, it just needs to be every other weekend. He can have them any time he likes

Show quote history

Does he know that he can have them any other days? Why does it have to be every other weekend?

House0fBamboo · 01/06/2025 16:21

No such thing as a light hearted use of retard ffs it's offensive and loses any high ground you may have had.

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:16

JudithOnHolidayAgain · 01/06/2025 16:14

You had my sympathy until you used the word retard.

Show quote history

Sorry, it was lighthearted honestly x

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 16:15

HenDoNot · 01/06/2025 16:08

Here’s what I’d do.

Contact CMS, tell them that going forward you have the children 100% of the time and apply for payments to be deducted directly from his wages. The he can’t use withholding payments as a form of control. Obviously notify them if contact level changes.

Offer him contact with the children on days that suit you. If that’s every other weekend then so be it. Spell it out clearly in writing “the children will be available for you to collect on Friday evening at 5pm, and are to be returned to me on Sunday evening at 5pm, on alternate weekends, starting on X date. If you do not turn up on Friday I will assume you do not wish to have contact with the children that weekend”.

Re the contact arrangements (and the car for that matter), tell him to take you to court if he wants anything different to what you’ve laid out in writing. Spoiler Alert: He won’t because he’s a shit dad.

Can’t he just deny that though and say he does have them? They will contact him?

OP posts:
JudithOnHolidayAgain · 01/06/2025 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You had my sympathy until you used the word retard.

HenDoNot · 01/06/2025 16:08

Here’s what I’d do.

Contact CMS, tell them that going forward you have the children 100% of the time and apply for payments to be deducted directly from his wages. The he can’t use withholding payments as a form of control. Obviously notify them if contact level changes.

Offer him contact with the children on days that suit you. If that’s every other weekend then so be it. Spell it out clearly in writing “the children will be available for you to collect on Friday evening at 5pm, and are to be returned to me on Sunday evening at 5pm, on alternate weekends, starting on X date. If you do not turn up on Friday I will assume you do not wish to have contact with the children that weekend”.

Re the contact arrangements (and the car for that matter), tell him to take you to court if he wants anything different to what you’ve laid out in writing. Spoiler Alert: He won’t because he’s a shit dad.

RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 15:57

You need to try and step back from the emotional response. By all means rant to your friends but you need to approach this cooly, calmly and knowing what you can and can't do. He's a hostile person now. You won't be co-parenting. He'll be occasionally taking them out for Macdonald's while you bring them up so please don't keep setting yourself up for disappointment. He has no choice about what or when he gives you money. CMS payments are x amount per week / month and that's it. End of discussion. If he is having them on school days he is responsible for their clothes, lunches, world book day costume whatever on those days. The maintenance is reduced to account for that. If he ends up not having them when he's meant to you can inform CMS and the following year the amount will be recalculated. It's not up to him or you. It's not about giving you money, it is supporting his children with everyday necessities, not spending £££ on a "Disney dad" weekend.

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 15:11

There's no "need" to give him leeway..the bank doesn't for your mortgage, Tesco's doesn't for your shopping. It's a bill, you set up a DD and it gets paid. My ex is a twat but I can't quibble with him on that score. I mean it's courteous to give him a couple of days for the first one to get it set up but you can ask for collect and pay when you like.

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 15:10

Callie247 · 01/06/2025 14:58

That’s how it reads to me? So he has them less?

Show quote history

Well if he wants to see them in the week that he misses a week that is absolutely fine, it just needs to be every other weekend. He can have them any time he likes

OP posts: