Was I in the wrong?

Why do you keep asking that? You are just wishing he was a different person. He is a shit Dad and he doesn't give a shit about this kids.

Why are you going to let him take the car?

Its in your name. You have the keys. If someone else tried to take your car you would phone the police. Same applies here. If your car broke or was stolen by someone else you'd still need to take the children to school.

If you let him take it, I guess he will tell them it's his

@Blackdow you're right .. there absolutely is a difference between what should be happening and what can legally be enforced. I would just say though that she is not totally denying access..she had them ready on Friday. He didn't show up. The current arrangement wasn't "agreed", it was dictated by him and actually the OP would stick to it if he actually did the parenting associated with a school day but he doesn't. She's trying to give him more time with the kids by EOW plus as many teatimes as he wants rather than two nights and no school free day time once a week. He's pushing back because he wants all his weekends free. But, as you say, you can't force someone to parent.

@Greenbeanzz i worked for the child support agency (CSA) as it was known then many years ago and to work out the ‘shared care’ as it’s called they have to take into account written evidence if accounts differ. This would be from witnesses who know you have the kids as much as you say you do and are prepared to scribble something down to that effect could include neighbours, teachers etc also.

I would say to him that if he won’t have them EOW then everything regarding getting them to school etc on the Monday will be solely down to him going forward and let the school know that you have told him this. If you don’t enable it, he’ll have to step up and parent.
Oh and DO NOT give him your car keys!

Log the car door with the police

Keep the spare key away from him or if he already has it, either disconnect the battery or report the car stolen if he takes it

You say he has all the control: this is you putting a firm boundary in.

Why are you talking to me like I don’t understand the work that goes into solo parenting? I’ve been a single parent for 11.5 years.

But the OP can’t just demand to change the schedule and then totally deny access when he says no… not if she wants to look good when this goes to court.

This isn’t about doing what you want; it’s about doing what looks best in front of a judge. Even when you hate it. The OP needs to do the homework with the kids anyway, that won’t change. It literally is just packing their school stuff.

And CMS does “cover everything.” Thats the legal stand point. You saying extra should be negotiated separately is great… how do we do that? We can’t. There is no mechanism for that. She literally cannot make him pay it. It’s CMS and that’s it.

You can give advice on what you think is right and should happen. I’ll give advice based on what the OP can legally get and the best way to behave when preparing to take her ex to court:

I would just detach from this-he is pulling your strings

Send uniform, send homework or just get it done Sat morning.

He pays for school lunch on Mondays -get school to bill him
Trips are in addition to other expenses
Halves on these.
He pays wraparound on Mondays
Let him fail

The more you insist on weekends the more he will kick off
Inform Police he kicked your car, keep cctv
Use an app to document and for all contact
Who is the cars registered keeper?

Seems to me that a CAO from Court and a Co-parenting App is the only way to go. One or both of you may not like the result but at least it will be documented.

Why do you keep saying it's just putting uniform in a bag? It's absolutely not just that is it? You're being obtuse. The OP, like many RPs does basically all the pareo. CMS does not offset that at all. Someone said the maintenance covers trips..no it doesn't. Maintenance is a contribution towards essentials . "Extras" like trips have to negotiated separately but as there is no legal way to enforce, reality is that the RP covers it. He absolutely should be hovering whatever falls on his days and that includes trips, lunch, wraparound etc.
I do agree that this is best sorted in court and the op might do better to go that route and expedite it, putting up with the status quo until then, simply to avoid the children being witness to hostility.

If he doesn't want to see his kids, is there anyone else who is willing and able to care for them sometimes? Your parents? His parents? They may appreciate being able to spend some time with them.

Just to clarify as it's difficult to understand, it sounds like you would like him to have them Saturday and Sunday every other weekend, so that you get a weekend off (which seems perfectly reasonable)? Plus whatever other time he wants? But he's not willing to have them on a Saturday night? Can you keep the current arrangement, but he takes them every 2nd/3rd/4th Saturday (whatever you can get him to agree to) as well as the usual arrangement?

Wait; he has them a full weekend every second week? So it’s only every second week he then has them Sunday to Monday?

Is the pattern;
Week 1: Saturday to Monday
Week 2: Sunday to Monday
Week 3: Saturday to Monday
Week 4: Sunday to Monday?

What is the actual pattern here?

CMS consider a payment late after 5 days. If he messes you about for 3 months, start asking them about a deduction of earnings order. When they eventually stop giving him chances, a DEO is around 3 months from descision being made to first payment reaching you.

You should have informed the police about him kicking the car door, because it's escalating already. You need to start logging this behaviour, every incident, to evidence the pattern. I strongly advise you call them today & tell them what's happened so far. If you don't, & the kids make a disclosure at school, you'll be explaining to social care why you didn't report things to the police at the time. You'll also need evidence of this behaviour if you finish up in court but in my experience, men like this aren't interested in seeing the children, it's just an opportunity to control & abuse the other parent. When they get the message that there's no opportunity to abuse anymore, they go scuttling off into hiding to avoid maintenance payments.

You don’t need to do what he says OP. He can’t just unilaterally decide that he’s going to have them on X and Y day, and fuck what you think. The contact arrangements until now don’t suit any more. So they need to be changed.

I can feel your pain and frustration through your posts. Don’t let him defeat you.

How long have these arrangements been in place for?

You cannot force him to parent. Believe me, I know. My ex walked out, did a bit of parenting for 6 months and then said that “parenting wasn’t for him and he’d rather not.” We didn’t see him again for 4 and a half years. When he came back, I had to work with him to build a relationship with the kids and allow him time and everything. I didn’t want, I wanted to throttle him and slam the door shut but the kids had a right to a relationship with him and because he grew up and decided to have contact, I had to allow it. At least then, it was slowly and on my terms rather than how it had been before which was all on his say so or he wouldn’t take them.

The thing is, you could be as bad as him. You could block contact unless it’s on the days you want, you could refuse to send uniform and sort lunch, there is nothing stopping you from behaving like that, but it’s the kids who suffer. And that’s what it comes down do; we’re not willing to let the kids suffer so we take care of it all. They are willing to let the kids suffer so they won’t do a thing.

You don’t want them to suffer, you don’t want to put them in the middle. Unfortunately, you have to keep doing the work (but stop sorting lunches and communicate with the school about why), but document everything by sending him a text each week, without any emotion, just asking if he has sorted out their uniform and paid for their Monday lunch and after school club. When he said no, don’t comment on it. Just keep the messages for proof. Have it all documented, go and see a solicitor and start using the legal route to get a fair split.

Because he wants to see them every week rather than every fortnight.

I think his way gives him better contact as it's more regular. You just need to make the Mondays work better. Clothes in a bag for school. School bag packed. It really isn't hard.

The car is yours. Do NOT give him the keys. Tell him if he takes it or damages it you will report him to the Police.