To drink alcohol when my daughter doesn't like me to.

I don't think the OP has dismissed or minimised anything, in fact she has tiptoed around her dd's feelings on.the matter (not buying wine in the weekly shop) to the point her dd thinks she is running the show.
The daughter is so emboldened by this she feels she is now in a position to dictate to her mother's friends how they should behave whilst they are in her company.
I think she is of an age now that she can start to understand that people are free to make their own choices regardless of whether she agrees with them or not.

You're right. The voice of the child is very important.

And so is a parent being able to parent, and not have their life dictated to by their child.

It sounds to me like the OP is listening, but doesn't know how to parent through. The fact they're asking on here shows they're trying to find a reasonable way through this problem.

@AnonymousMum37 You know your child best. What are her motivators? What does she consider consequences?

Does her autism have a level of understanding that she's allowed to disagree with you, but that her behaviour is unacceptable? As that's the route I'd be taking. Acknowledge that she's allowed these thoughts. Praise her that she cares about your health. Allow her to make those choices for herself.

But there must be rewards/consequences for the behaviour. As with all parenting. E.g. if you have to take her to the shops, then she gets to choose a comic/toy at the end if she doesn't create in the wine aisle (at the start of this process, allow her to grumble at a normal talking voice for her reward, then slowly reduce over time etc)

Her ND will be with her all her life. She will have friends later in life who smoke/drink/have tattoos. You need to teach her how to be part of the society she lives in, and all these frustrations now are you working hard to enable your daughter to live her very best adult life in the future.

All the best

Love from a safeguarding lead in a SEN school that specialises in children with communication difficulties, primarily Autism.

Echoing previous posters that you're the one in charge - but that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to her concerns (which you are).

At your daughters age,I swore (loudly,probably obnoxiously) that drinking and smoking were awful,I'd never do either blabla. For a good few years.

I was a wild child in my teens,and was in a terrible place in my early 20s. So I'd actually not overdo the reassurance either.

This...

How red wine in moderation is cardio protective.

Show her Screenshots of medical studies...

Perhaps alsp teach her that lots of people think tattoos are good for creativity and self expression?

I'm autistic and I really dislike the tone of this comment. Of course OP isn't disregarding her daughter's voice. She came here seeking advice for a start and from what she's described it seems that she has lots of love, care and understanding for her daughter and her voice.

She is still a child. I can appreciate firsthand the black and white thinking. When I was a kid I used to get upset when I saw my parents smoke and I couldn't understand why they were choosing to take days off their lives, in effect choosing to leave me behind earlier.

A glass of red wine is not the same. OP isn't shooting up heroin or smoking crack. Autism isn't a free pass to dictate the lives of those around you, especially not at 9 years old.

She needs to be told, autistic or not. You’ll never be allowed to breathe if it continues.

She is going to be an absolute social pariah if she openly judges and tries to control other people. It is kinder to teach her not to do this.

By all means, avoid hanging out with people who drink if it’s not your thing. But it’s not ok to “growl” at people who feel differently.

Can you explain to her about alcohol units and say that you are within the recommended guidelines?

As for smoking and vaping, explain about personal choices.

I think dcs get a lot of anti smoking etc stuff at junior school, which they take on board sometimes very fervently. Then at secondary they decide that the messages they were given were ott scaremongering, and will really pretty much ignore that sort of lecturing.

Autism means many see the world as black and white, with nothing in-between. It's possible your daughter has had lessons at school regarding vaping, smoking, alcohol even on a basic level and has taken everything told to her literally? Very often children who are ND take what they are told as gospel, and can't see anything else. What they've read or been told is right. You need to get resources to explain the difference between a person having a glass or two of wine, compared to someone who is an alcoholic. She needs to see differences, and understand that the two are vastly different. You need to see if you can get some resources on people being different but it not meaning they're bad. May be ask the school for help? It's difficult I know but her behaviour does need nipping in the bud. She is going to have a tough time the older she becomes, if she expects everyone to agree with her opinion and bend to her views. She can have her opinion, she doesn't have to like or agree with others choices/views but she should respect them and understand that being different to hers, doesn't make them 'bad'.

She's autistic, she's unlikely to worry if her world is very tiny. in fact chances are she'll much prefer it that way! As a teen she'll be much better off staying away from the kids that smoke and drink anyway.

I wouldn't be too strong in discouraging those views OP - when you don't have to worry about her out, off her face at clubs getting up to all sorts with boys you'll appreciate her attitude more I'm sure. I had the easiest time when DS (ASD) was a teen as he was completely anti drink and smoking.

You can tell the child you understand their point of view and listen to them but as an adult/ person/ parent you have the final decision. The parent should be able to buy wine, smoke or anything else they like without the child stopping them. Yes with a SEN child a more in depth conversation and explanation might be needed

It’s a good learning point for the child (SEN or not) that people have free choice and you can’t tell other people want to do!

what is your DD diet like? Just wondering if you could make a link between having occasional unhealthy treats like chocolate or crisps and the occasional glass of wine (although may need to tread carefully so she doesn’t end up with orthorexia instead)

Im autistic and feel similar about smoking.

That said, I hated when my mum drunk, not because of her health but because she was a different person and constantly in denial about it. Her tone and accent would change and she'd become bolshier, and very much "so what, if you have a problem with it that's your problem".

She just wasn't my mum when she'd had a drink, which was most nights.

It left me feeling very vulnerable. Now she calls me when she's drunk instead, and I hate it. I just tell her I'm busy, and it upsets her but she didn't care that her drinking upset me all my life.

I’m going to try this - thank you - great idea.

Such an anxious need to control aspects of black and white thinking.
I wouldn't see this as about the drinks, cigarettes or alcohol but as her struggling with the world around her.
You're not going to fix it fast.
Talk to the senco, try and get her some therapy
My fasd daughter hates alcohol. I've stopped drinking. It's easier.
Also, and I say this gently, I thought a couple of glasses a wine a few times a week was OK. It's not - it's more than most and more than recommended.

No it isn’t. My daughter is the same. She isn’t in charge of the entire universe though so I don’t stand for it. The OPs daughter is rude to others too - unacceptable and not helping her in the longer term.

You really shouldn't be making promises you can't keep - you couldn't go even a few weeks without a drink? If you need alcohol because you've had a long day then I'm with your dd - find better, healthier ways to relax and destress.

Yes exactly this and also posters here are too focused on the alcohol aspect which on here is always an emotive subject. She thinks people with piercings and tattoos are bad. As she gets older there will be other things she will see as bad and won't be accepting of so many people. Her world is going to be very tiny.

Set the rules out clearly for her. On a little card or poster.

1. Mummy is in charge and makes decisions about what she eats and drinks.

2. It is very rude to comment on the decisions other adults make about what they do with their own bodies.

3. Grownups make their own decisions about tattoos.

Maybe tell her she can work on one rule at a time, until she is OK with it. Read it a couple of times a day (NOT at a time when you're necking the wine 😂).

She's going to have to deal with a lot of things in life that are outside her own value system. Giving her a way to cope with them would be the biggest bonus here. In addition to you being able to have a glass of pinot noir with your dinner of course! (Of course you're not ever going to get steaming drunk in front of her!)

@TheOmbudsmansComingtoGetYou for a child, seeing a parent drunk is frightening because you are totally reliant on them for your safety/wellbeing and cannot just walk away from them. It is just not comparable to an adult seeing another adult drunk.

I don’t understand why your friends are vaping or smoking around her? I’d growl at them too, frankly.

Buy wine when she’s not with you and have a glass when she’s asleep.

I can understand the temptation of this. But what happens when she goes off to University or whatever and ends up in a houseshare with other people who absolutely will not bend to her will? She needs to learn - fast - that it’s not up to her to control what other people do. It’s kinder to teach her that now.

It sounds to me like her feelings on alcohol are coming from a place of fear. Can you find some literature that states that a couple of glasses of wine a week may be beneficial to health? This may help minimise her fear.

She is clearly anxious, as autistic children often are. I wiuld try to get to the bottom of the anxiety and find ways to reduce it. What is she scared of - is it because she has seen you drunk and found the change in you frightening?

Personally if drinking was causing extreme anxiety for my child, I would stop doing it. Its all very well people saying that children shouldn’t “dictate “ but for autistic children the world is a scary place and their severe anxiety can be very limiting for themselves and their families. Ignoring it is not a solution.

@LittleHangleton so if you as a safeguarding lead heard this child saying she was worried, called in the mum to discuss and the mum related how much she drank and her daughter’s need to control the actions of her and her friend you’d think the child’s voice reasonable?

Give over.

The DSL where I work would support the parent in communicating with her child - not allow the child to dictate in the way she’s trying to.