To drink alcohol when my daughter doesn't like me to.

Listen to the child. Understand what she's worried about. Validate those worries, explain why she doesn't need to worry. And possibly make a plan that both are happy with.

Is she worried about health issues? Explain in age appropriate ways that people do unhealthy things in moderate ways and come to no harm.

Is she worried by how Mum acts when drinking? I'd ask more about how mum's actions feel worrying? Is she worried Mum won't be able to read her a story? Is she worried because she doesn't understand that alcohol can make Mums voice sound funny/slurred?

There's a million things here, but it's about validation and then explaining. Maybe making a plan so that she feels safer (that does not need to be mum not drinking).

It matters in the OPs case that she's previously made a plan with her daughter and is now disregarding it. That might be because it was an ill-conceived safety plan in the first place (if the initial levels of drinking didn't impact the child, but a disproportionate plan was put in place not to drink). It means child is less likely to believe any future plans. The cynic in me might read between the lines and think that we're only getting half a story from the OP tho. Most moderate drinkers wouldn't occur to them to need a drinking agreement with their child. Yet these sorts of agreements / safety plans are common place in families with drinking or substance misuse issues. I wonder if the OP isn't being as open here as she could be, and discussion of previous agreements around drinking is a hint towards that.

What I wouldn't be doing is telling the child to (effectively) put up and shut up. I also wouldn't necessarily be telling mum to not drink. I'd be listening to both.

My son is autistic and I could've written this post a year or so ago lol. I have one glass of cider a month, his dad might have a beer a week and neither of us drink in front of him but the way my son used to talk you'd think we were both Oliver Reed!

A conversation about how what other people do is none of his business (as long as it's legal and not hurting him obvs) and redirecting his focus onto something else worked a treat.

Far too much fannying around with autistic kids sometimes. They're not stupid. They need people to talk to them in a way they understand and they need boundaries, not people telling them everything they say and do is right. One of our boundaries is that DS is not allowed to dictate to other people what they can and can't do. Funnily enough he gets that.

She refuses to make the link with sweets, does she? 😁

But nothing the OP has written indicates any drinking problem, never getting drunk in the house, nothing inappropriate. Your post was totally irrelevant to the situation and does nothing more than attempt to judge the OP for having 2 or 3 glasses of wine a week. Her daughter has problems; that’s what the replies should be about. Not the OP buying a bottle of wine.

Unless the op is lying to us all and is actually a full blown alcoholic, while sad for you, this is literally unrelated and irrelevant.

It’s weird because tattoos and piercings aren’t actually bad for your health, but she hates those too! They’re not in the same category as smoking and drinking.

I think one of the issues is what happens when the autistic child becomes an autistic teen/young adult/adult?

I think it’s nice that as a parent you do whatever stops your child’s anxiety. I don’t disagree with this at all in theory. But what if the child at 18 goes to uni away from home and becomes anxious about house mates drinking?

It doesn’t always do a child favours to just always remove anything that makes them uncomfortable rather than helping them deal with it.

Also I wouldn’t take her to the supermarket when you buy alcohol. Buy it when she isn’t with you.
But firmly and kindly keep repeating the same message. I would guess that she is trying to feel in control for some reason. But 9 year olds don’t do well when they control as they are children not adults. It will just lead to more control.

I'd be trying education. Whilst you don't want to be convincing her that alcohol is good show her the government guidelines and how you are careful to stay within those. Its a new rule she can understand. You could even track it on a chart, one glass is one unit obviously so you're well under (and no reason to know what you drink when out).

With vaping friends can she understand that they used to smoke and so vaping is actually helping them?

No suggestions for the smokers unfortunately.

She's very young. This dies need to be dealt with, she may soon learn about ultra processed food then you'll have hell. Better to introduce her to rules around moderation now.

Good luck.

Mum of Autistic DC here. Understand the control need as my DC had it too.
However - politely and kindly - you are the parents not your DC.
So I would explain this to her clearly. :
I am in charge and my job is to love and care for you. I don’t drink to excess. A glass of wine is something I enjoy, just like you enough (insert special interest)
Before friends come round you practise and pre coach: Jan and Pam are going to come round. We are going to open some wine, chat etc. Adults are allowed to choose when they have a drink. It is rude to growl at them. What are you going to do instead? Read a book, watch tv, read/watch about a particular special interest (if she has one). We are safe and ok.
It also helps to believe in your authority as her Mum. she is 9. You are and adult. You know what is good for her.
If you get a tattoo her approval of not has nothing to do with it.
Good luck!

Sorry, but this isn’t what’s happening here at all. The child in question also thinks she can dictate whether her mother has a tattoo or pierced ears, FFS.

This isn’t the child of a heavy drinker who is upset because she regularly sees a parent drunk. It is a child who has developed an irrational obsession with certain things being ‘bad’ and thinks that she can tell people they are also ‘bad’ for doing them.

The child is autistic and therefore sees things very, very black and white and has very rigid and prescriptive notions, that are not reasonable. Pandering to this isn’t going to help her at all. As she gets older she is going to need to learn about moderation and personal choice, and now would be a good time to start.

Tell her she's out with her bags as soon as she turns 18. You shouldn't tolerate her behaviour and don't use her autism as an excuse for her to behave badly.

Yeah because only 'bad' girls who drink and get tattoos will develop their own sexuality 🙄

The OP says:

She growls at any of my friends who smoke or vape and has decided they are bad people, even if they don't do this near her she knows they do and she therefore hates them.

It doesn't sound like they smoke or vape around her, it is enough for the DD that she knows the friends do this at all and she has therefore judged them for it. Her behaviour to them is therefore just rude.

As to the advice to the OP only to buy or drink wine when the DD is not there, this might avoid a scene but is doing nothing to address the actual problem, which is the DD's rigid thinking and controlling behaviour.

If a child discloses they are worried about a parents drinking, it starts with a conversation with the child about impact. How does the drinking affect you (the child)? Are parents proving meals, keeping the home clean, whos looking after siblings? Has the child had to look after a drunk parent? Is there is money for heating and shopping? Then explore the child's feelings around drinking - is it fear? Control? Does it relate to something that happened previously? do they know other people who get drunk/high? Then explore reasons for these feelings, like, for example, why does Mum drinking feel out of control?

These are just a few examples of the start point for what my DSL team would be asking, not a definitive list. It very much depends on the individual case.

Going back to thr OP, the Child's Voice is key here, regardless how unpleasant that feels to other parents and posters here.

If the child says they are scared when mum drinks, or expresses feelings of loss of control, or anything else, we will want to know why. Being clear here, this first necessarily mean social care will swoop in. This isn't about a child protection responce (although it could). It's about not dismissing the child's voice.

I'll give an example of a child who tells untruths about her mums drinking in order to contol, and why shes still listened to. I've supported a girl who cannot tolerate her Mum drinking. She will often make stuff up that she knows will reach social care threshold any time mum has a single drink. Social care do an assessment and usually conclude that while mum is a drinker, her drinking isn't impacting the care of the child.

Why does this girl do this? Because we know, social care knows, Mum knows - that Mum and Mums partner are recovering alcoholics. They don't abstain. They still drink, but have a safety plan. This means they shouldn't drink at the same time if child is at home and that Mum and step dad know to take a break from each other if they start to argue (because it gets violent).

They do generally stick to this safety plan. But child has such trauma from what home used to be like with them, that seeing Mum with a can of Stella triggers her massively. Going on holiday triggers her. Even though Mum usually sticks to the safety plan. So, while I often know this girls fears are frequently not real, I understand why she's scared and everyone around her validates that she feels scared and out of control and understands.

This is just one example, there are many others.

Bottom line is - the child is expressing fear and a need to control. Understanding why she feels like that is important.

"The DSL where I work.." will give due regard to the voice of the child @Merryoldgoat. Because that's what KCSiE and WTTKCS insists we do.

This is ridiculous. If DD is making a fuss in a supermarket and showing ocd type behaviours then the important thing is that she gets therapy before things get out of hand

So what's your solution? You didn't give one you just lectured OP on all her private thoughts. You want her to listen, it sounds like she listens all the time to her moaning about this.

Oh OP this sounds so hard, I really sympathise. I have a son with ASD.

Some children with autism are very much into numbers, statistics and graphs etc. Would going down this route to risk be worth trying, in relation to risk and balancing choices etc? (Sorry if it's alreafy been suggested). There's a chance that you could have an accident everytime you cross the road or drive a car but we still do these things because we reduce the risk by doing them sensibly. Also, we accept some risks in life in order to enjoy ourselves - we wouldn't have much fun if we never left the house. The black and white thinking is hard to navigate tho, I do get it.

I just wanted to add another perspective, smoking and drinking both have significant effects on the user but also others around them.

Smoking really really smells even when people go outside to smoke. It has always given me migraines and it as a child it felt selfish that people could also smoke indoors when I was young, and it felt selfish that my parents or grandparents knew about second and third hand smoke harm and still subject me to it. It felt like they were aware that it was damaging to me, but were willing to see me as collateral damage to their habits.

Drinking also really smells and as I mentioned it changes how people behave and I could not cope with that change. I still can't really.

When others would drink or smoke with my mum my perception didn't change because it was someone else. In fact it felt like I was very aware of the peer pressure that my mum would face and would join in. All the things I'd been taught like not to fall for peer pressure, smoking damages your health and takes years off your life, people do stupid stuff when they're not sober etc felt hypocritical.

It had also been drilled into me that children of parents who are smokers are also likely to be smokers themselves and it felt like it would become an eventuality that I'd also become a smoker which was terrifying to me at the time. It felt like a pre-written fate that the universe had decided this course for me and no matter how hard I would try and avoid it, it would come for me eventually. It was a pattern, and I was very good at seeing patterns, but didn't understand correlation does not equal causation.

People would go out to smoke then come in and sit on our furniture or use our cups or cutlery and they felt immensely dirty after the fact.

But the sensory experiences were by far the worst for me to manage.

In my assessment we discussed this, at my family history appointment. As a child I didn't quite have the words to explain how it affected me but I did as an adult and my mum said it was a hard pill to swallow hearing me say all of that. I did feel heard. But now I'm an adult and can choose to stay away it didn't have any bearing on the choices she chooses for herself.

Obviously you are responsible for the choices you make, and she needs to understand that, but it won't be easy. It might take a long time for her to accept that. You might need to ask questions targeted to see what it is she objects to and see if there are ways you can still make the choices you want without accidentally causing upset or distress to her.

OOI, how did she form the view that tattoos and piercings are bad in the first place if you have both? Can she articulate what the actual problem with them is (she might not be able to if the opinion has come from seeing judgy pursed lips or comments etc without a full understanding of what is usually misogyny or class prejudice behind it).

As @JMSA says, the rigid thinking comes with the terrority. The controlling behaviour is driven by anxiety.
Is your daughter at mainstream school? Is there anyone there you can talk to ? Or the National Autistic Society? It's hard for her and you but she can't be allowed to control what the family does totally. My children are autistic but late teens now, you have to make some compromised but you have to have boundaries/rules as well.

Also, in what ways are tattoos harmful?
Good luck OP.

I have some experience of this with DS, who is ASD. He’s an adult now and my stance has always been that while I respect his opinions, I am an adult who can make my own choices in life. He doesn’t have to agree with anything I do, but he has to respect my right to do said thing. It’s worked out ok for us.

It isn’t a plain choice to either give into her fears or ignore them. You can talk to her and acknowledge her concerns but reiterate that you are an adult and can choose a glass of wine if you want to.

Consistency is key here. Telling her you wouldn’t drink and then doing so wasn’t the best move, as it has damaged the trust. But going forward, just keep sticking to the fact that you can make your own choices and she will accept it in time. It’s not a case of explaining once and she gets it or she doesn’t. It needs to be a consistent message over time.

My autistic 10yr old DD is similar but thankfully can make the link between moderation/doesn't make you a bad person. I calmly asked her has she ever seen me drunk? She hasn't because I rarely drink and when I do it's a small glass of wine/alcopop and never enough to get me drunk. She now wants reassurance on the rare occasions I drink that im not going to get drunk and then its fine.

I'm also a smoker and I have no intention of quitting so I've no advice on this because it is a bad choice and I can't really defend it but thankfully she understands it doesn't make me a bad person as she knows who I am, could you maybe get your friends that smoke/vape to do something that shows her they are good people who make a bad choice? I appreciate this may not be possible with her black and white thinking.

Its difficult parenting a child like this but please stop handing control over to her, you are making life easier now but you are setting her up to fail as she becomes an adult and has the rapid realisation she can't control what other people do. You are not a bad parent for enjoying a couple of glasses on wine (unless you are regularly falling down drunk and in no position to be a responsible adults which i dont believe is the case from your OP) and honestly it's sounds like you need the odd glass!

A final point, stop making promises you realistically can't keep, that's not fair to anyone.

I have an 11 year old who is lovely and well meaning but she can be a bit “puritanical”. For example, she was very judgy about girls in her class wearing make up recently.

I don’t disagree with her view that 11 is too young for make up but I did explain to her that it’s entirely up to them (and their parents) and that if she doesn’t want to wear make up, she doesn’t have to, but it’s not ok to be mean about others for making different choices that don’t even affect her.

You need to teach them how to function in social situations.

My DDs used to stare in total fascination and horror when someone was smoking. I found out later that they literally expected them to drop dead on the spot.