To drink alcohol when my daughter doesn't like me to.

I have put that you’re not being unreasonable because you’re right, she can’t dictate what you do or growl at your friends for making their own choices.
However it obviously unsettles her, so for her sake, could you wait to have a drink once she’s gone to bed?
My parents used to heavily drink when I was a child and I absolutely HATED it (not saying you heavily drink btw), and now I don’t touch alcohol myself. Even as an adult I can’t stand when my mum drinks in front of me, it really triggers me.

Voice of a child is important but so is the word ‘child’ Daughter is 9yr old…a child. I’m sorry if this isn’t 21st century thinking but no 9yr old child should be dictating whether or not an adult parent should be drinking.
How is the child going to cope in the world if she ‘growls’ at smokers and drinkers?

You’re not being unreasonable. My son is autistic and has similar things which have come and gone in phases. All we can do is try our best to explain it in a way they understand until it sinks in, or they move on to the next thing. I would discipline him if he was saying things to other people so that he knows he can’t do that - it wouldn’t always stop him but people tend to understand if you explain it’s a fixation and part of the autism.

I have one child with severe SEN, siblings and a husband with autism so just speaking from what I would do.

Have you discussed abusive relationships with her? At 9 I think she is old enough to be understanding this. I would be telling her that these are also very wrong. Controlling what another person does is wrong etc. Get her looking at her own behaviour.

I wouldn’t bend on this. It’ll only get worse as she gets older and bigger. My DB is autistic and my Mum used to bend over backwards to what he wanted for an easy life and he started hitting her when he got to 14 when she wouldn’t do what he wanted. Obviously not saying your DD would do that but I think you have to establish clear boundaries now that you are the parent not her.

I would also be worried about you being isolated. If she’s growling at and becoming aggressive towards your friends, realistically for how long will they tolerate this? I am covered in tattoos and would not tolerate anyone telling me I was bad. I would also be thinking she was echoing what her parents were saying.

I like the suggestion of a teacher talking to her and explaining about good v bad. That a person engaging in unhealthy habits doesn’t make them bad. There are worse things a person can do.. be controlling etc.

Yes I think we all largely agree with that, but you don't offer any constructive advice or resolutions. Should the OP never drink a glass of wine again, go no contact with friends that do anything the daughter objects to? We all have to adjust as parents and adult life is generally one long compromise (especially for women) but how far do you take the validation of a child's wishes/perceptions?

Would she consider the NHS website a credible source? Show her the page in alcohol consumption guidelines, use a measuring jug to find out what 1 unit looks like in relation to a glass of wine. It never hurts to explore your own relationship with alcohol either.
She is autistic, being a good parent looks different. This isn't an abusive relationship.

Excellent post by @Sogfree

I agree. OP is actually living under oppressive circumstances.

Yes children have a voice and should be listened to but they don’t get to dictate how any adult lives heir life.

sit down and chat to her explain that she is not in charge of you, you make your own decisions and when she is an adult she can make her own choices too.

@LittleHangleton this is an example of OCD type anxiety in a neurodiverse child. If the OP gives in - the OCD/anxiety will move on to controlling something else.

Example - my autistic daughter has some phobias of very common household food - I have NOT stopped eating them or having them at home though I am careful/ respectful about letting them get near her. I tell her clearly - this is not dangerous, your phobia is not based on it being dangerous and I"m not giving in to you .

OP my daughter is autistic and I really understand the way these girls can try to control their family as a way of coping with anxiety

DO NOT give in to her. If you do - you feed her anxiety - you teach her that she is in control and that is ultimately not right and will make her more scared

tell her very calmly that she is wrong, you are an adult, you are going to have a drink sometimes and then RIDE IT OUT

I absolutely understand this as my daughter has done this with other things but the best advice I was given was to be very very clear that as the adult I decide what is safe.

This is ultimately going to let her see that you the parent are making adult level decisions and she can stop worrying about them.

She is rude and her behaviour is unacceptable

If the OP stops her moderate drinking, ditches her friends who vape and smoke and never gets another tattoo in her life, it's going to make zero difference to her daughter.

She'll just switch to some other form of control, such as the OP not eating UPFs or meat, or whatever her next obsession becomes.

She needs help, not someone implying she may be fat with a drinking problem 🙄

This is a poor approach and an indication of why society has disintegrated to a poor state of behaviours. Discipline and boundaries is very valid and hearing objections then mitigating with an adult argument is a better approach.

Listening is fine, but it is so important to guide and counter argue, to direct better reasoning.

What if she doesn’t want to @Pollyanna87

what if enjoys a glass of wine? Or cocktails with her mates? Very enjoyable - you should try sometime, let your hair down!

p.s Op is very unlikely to have weight loss given the small amount she drinks, don’t be silly

My parents said it to me and I say it to my children. My house, my rules if they don't like it they can leave when they turn 18. Children need to respect their parents and the home.

Why does she think tattoos are that bad? Talk to her about the importance of choosing a reputable tattooist, proper after care etc. Tattoos aren’t particularly high risk if done properly and cared for.

The OP is having a couple of small glasses of wine with dinner. She’s hardly rolling in the aisles showing her knickers.

@LittleHangleton

i have. And you’re fixated on safeguarding when this isn’t a safeguarding issue.

I agree with this. Sensitive to her needs? Absolutely yes. Allowing her to dictate your life? A big no.

I work closely with safeguarding and this is not at all related to safeguarding and an utterly bizarre take.
OP education will help. Growling at your friends isn’t acceptable. She’s going to come up against this again and again as she gets older so helping her understand why she is wrong now will help her in the long run.

A cautionary tale for you, OP. A family known to ours have a daughter who was, at age 9, behaving in a very similar way. The parents found the meltdown/ backlash very stressful (as it is!), and chose to modify their choices and actions to avoid very challenging parenting scenarios. Their daughter is now 18 and quite honestly very scary. This couple no longer have a social life; their days and nights are dictated by what she wants to do and where she wants to go. They rarely have opportunity for private discussions and their phones are monitored by this young lady. And it all began with a dysregulated autistic 9 year old regarding something innocuous. She needed time and effort to have things explained to her, and a few boundaries. Choose your hard.

You should be able to hear my eyes roll from wherever you are. Honestly, you sound insufferable.

Oh fgs. Bit over the top.

shes not “ignoring her voice” - she just doesn’t want to be screamed at in the supermarket, not be bake to have friends round, or told by a 9 year old what she can and can’t do as an adult. OP’s drinking isn’t excessive or a worry. The daughter shouldn’t be in charge!

But your post itself shows that in THIS case the child does not have reasonable concerns.

Yes, of course the child’s voice is important, but they don’t get to alter the reality of the situation and have you and other professionals worried about the home environment, when the issue is the child’s unwillingness to understand the difference between alcohol misuse and responsible drinking.

’Due regard’ should indeed be given, that doesn’t mean validating unfounded concerns.

It’s of zero help to reinforce the child’s unfounded fears in this case.