Page 2 | To think my coworkers are rude?

getmeoutofhere36 · 2025-05-31T21:57:25+00:00

We moved to a mid size town in Ireland a few years ago. I've been working part time in retail and I'm really struggling with my coworkers. All they do is talk about other people, all day long. It's not that they're horrible to me or anything. But it's like their only topic of conversation is the people around them and the people they know. AIBU for finding this strange? Everyone frames it to me as a cultural difference and I'm trying not to judge. But it's so hard, and I can't help feeling like these women are just gossips, actually, and they're the ones with poor social skills. I feel like I'm being gaslit into thinking something is normal and "cultural" when it really isn't. Example : It's a four hour shift I'm working with my manager. She spends 1.5 hours of it total having conversations with customers. Each conversation lasts about 25 minutes. The entire conversation is about people they mutually know. The cancer / divorce / death / emigration, new baby / new job / personal business of all these people I don't know, who aren't in the room with us. I can't contribute to this conversation. If we were working together on something before it started, all I can do is stand there like a lemon and pretend to look busy, waiting for it to be over. Or I serve all the other customers while my manager is just standing and talking. Sometimes this happens three times in a row, while I'm doing all the work and she pretends not to notice. It's so awkward. This happens ten times a day. There is never any attempt to make introductions, involve me in the conversation, or explain who all these people are. She just launches right into it and leaves me standing there. To make it worse, we work with three other women and they all do the same thing. I get that they're used to living in a world where everyone knows everyone else, and maybe it's awkward for them. But am I crazy to think this is a lack of basic social skills? Isn't it just manners to introduce people? Don't they think it's rude to talk about other people's personal business in front of a stranger?

stargazingortryingto · 01/06/2025 02:04

My DP’s family is from a remote part of Ireland and I recognise a lot of the gossip mentality that you’re describing. They seem to tolerate ‘blow ins’ but there’s definitely a two tier system in operation, with blow ins treated differently.

As someone who grew up in a huge city, I find it difficult to understand, and I find myself increasingly withdrawn when we visit because I feel that they will never truly accept me (I’m not sure if that will extend to my children). I’ve also had the odd comment about the heritage of my children, e.g. I explained my family has mixed heritage and was then asked ‘what will your children be like?’, a question I doubt I would have been asked if I were Irish.

I originally thought they were warm and kind and tolerant, but increasingly I see the small mindedness and cattiness. I agree that the Irish people I’ve met outside of Ireland seem way more open minded, but perhaps that’s one of the reasons they left. It just makes me glad to live in a big city with anonymity to be honest.

I would move OP. It sounds like your boss is exploiting you because you’re foreign. You don’t have to put up with that sort of nonsense.

Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 02:03

Flatandhappy · 01/06/2025 01:20

You think they are gossipy and rude, they are probably very aware of the fact that you are not a fan from your body language/facial expressions (and I know you will say you don’t let it show but it always does). I think people hugely underestimate cultural differences when you speak the same language (and I say that as an Irish Australian who spent 20 years living in England).

That's fair. At the very least they'll have noticed I don't gossip. And sometimes they get so personal I don't really know what to do with my face! Talking about someone I barely know who had an affair or something. Or someone else's son's coke habit. I never really know what I'm supposed to say in those situations. I don't know anyone involved so it feels weird to offer an opinion

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Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:58

Oceanwinds · 01/06/2025 01:20

I don't understand when you say your standing beside your colleagues whilst they chat. Do you not have anything work related to do?

I think you're only saying this to be snobby about retail.

Like I said, I'm often left shouldering more than my fair share of the customers, while my manager is having a conversation. Sometimes there isn't anyone else in the store though, and we were in the middle of a work-related task. I obviously have to wait for her to finish talking so we can continue it.

I should probably mention, some of what I'm calling customers aren't. They're just people who call in to talk to her. They're not buying anything, so it's not like I can help serve them.

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HeyWiggle · 01/06/2025 01:57

It’s not going to change unless you bring on the changes - you introduce yourself and you talk about films/books/tv and you divert the chatter back to more interesting things if the bitching starts. OR move jobs.

Caligirl80 · 01/06/2025 01:55

This is very much a "it depends". If you worked in a professional job in the same mid-sized down (let's pick lawyers for sake of argument) your experience would likely be rather different. Sounds like you have a job that you don't particularly like with a group of people you wouldn't normally socialise with. Maybe you should find yourself a job that attracts the kinds of people you typically get on with?? So, if you find yourself being annoyed by a bunch of gossipy middle aged women go get a job that has more blokes, or is faster paced and has less time for gossip? Or involves more self-directed work?
If you want to be the centre of conversation then go get a job as a bartender - people will inevitably talk to you if youre the one between them and their food/drink!

Alas, smaller towns/villages are often pretty gossipy - this isn't a uniquely Irish thing - though I tend to find that at least the Irish are pretty warm about it! You need to put the effort in though - no point being standoffish and giving off an air of disapproval and then expecting people to invite you to chat. You also need to put in the work yourself: ask people about themselves, find common ground rather than identifying what makes you different.

Sadly I saw this alot when I moved to the US: expats who came over looking for things that were like England were horribly disappointed - you'd find them searching for other brits and utterly missing the point of living in an amazingly intersting new country. For my own part: I just threw myself into my new life 110%: would have a whale of a time meeting new people and asking them about themselves, and going to all the different events etc. It was amazing. So much so that the village I grew up in in the UK seems utterly dull and bland by comparison these days, and I find the people there to be rather boring.

Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:47

Agapornis · 01/06/2025 01:14

I think anywhere very rural with no customers queuing up is like this. Whenever I visit my parents in mainland Europe and we go to a shop with staff they know, it's a full debrief of ailments 😂 as a city dweller I find it embarrassing. They tell me it's normal. The ones who find it normal stay, everyone else moves away!

Also I suspect this is these women's Forever Job, and it's just a temporary solution for you. When someone works in the same retail place/customer service for many years they do, in my experience, get a bit odd in one way or another. Territorial with hints of 'get me out of here but I will never leave'.

Edited

Thank you. I think you're right with a lot of this, especially that last paragraph. They've all been long term in the job and don't like people they see as just passing through. I thought three years would be enough to disqualify me from that group, but maybe not 😅

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Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:42

nomas · 01/06/2025 01:09

It sounds like they’re taking advantage of the newbie, by making you do most of the work.

Your manager doesn’t want you to talk to anyone because she has pigeon holed you as the worker whilst she chats.

Honestly this is my gut feeling too. I think I'm being taken advantage of and I've lost my confidence. But then I tell someone and they rush to tell me what a normal Irish thing it is for people to act the way my co-workers do. And I start doubting myself

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Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:31

SeaFloor · 01/06/2025 00:29

You’re going to have to adapt or move on, OP. See it as a language you’re learning. If you’ve lived there for several years, don’t you know who any of these people are?

I spent many years living in London before moving with a baby to a village in the English midlands that was insular and less unfriendly than just not used to strangers who hadn’t gone to school with you and married someone else who’d gone to school with you. I made a lot of efforts to integrate via volunteering, joining things, inviting people around, but it wasn’t for me. I left, and should have done so sooner.

You also have that choice. Living in a country other than their own isn’t for everyone.

I just don't understand how they can know so many people! It feels like they each know about a thousand people. No exaggeration. If I spent the rest of my life going out and meeting people, I couldn't keep pace. I'd need about ten filofaxes to keep them all straight

I agree about adapt or move on. I think I'm just trying to decide if it's worth moving on to somewhere else in Ireland, or if I should give up. This really isn't a village. It's a pretty big sized town. I didn't expect it to be as insular as it is.

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Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:25

Catinthereallysmallhat · 01/06/2025 00:04

They have small lives. Apart from work what do they really have going in their lives? People who are bored and have no lives are generally like this. I actually kind of pity them.

It would be easier in some ways if they were raging narcissists who only talked about themselves. At least I could respond!

I don't know, it's just hard. I try. I talk about my co-workers children, mostly. But my manager doesn't have any, so it's harder with her. If I ask about a book she's reading or something she watched on Netflix, she has so little to say about it, beyond "it was stupid" or "it was good". I really struggle

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Newnamehiwhodis · 01/06/2025 01:20

ewww this would feel so horrible and small-minded to me. But I work in a library, and it’s against company rules to gossip; we rarely talk about people, unless they’re characters in books 🤣

I remember my workplace being like this when I was on stage and in tv/film. Gossip all the time, and people were so competitive and insecure.

maybe a different job would be a better fit?

Flatandhappy · 01/06/2025 01:20

You think they are gossipy and rude, they are probably very aware of the fact that you are not a fan from your body language/facial expressions (and I know you will say you don’t let it show but it always does). I think people hugely underestimate cultural differences when you speak the same language (and I say that as an Irish Australian who spent 20 years living in England).

Oceanwinds · 01/06/2025 01:20

I don't understand when you say your standing beside your colleagues whilst they chat. Do you not have anything work related to do?

Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:18

AppleKatie · 31/05/2025 23:57

Sounds completely usual and I know what you mean about feeling like a spare part while the conversation goes on around you.

Ive no idea how you crack it- but let me know if you find out/ it would make for more comfortable times with my in laws if I could work it out 🤣😬

Thank you! Sounds silly, but I appreciate even just hearing "I know how you feel". That I'm not mad to be bothered by it

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Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:16

honeyfox · 31/05/2025 23:52

I'm originally from close to a small town in Ireland, I'm really sorry but it sounds quite typical to me. It's not the same everywhere, I worked in pubs before I left and there wasn't that kind of gossiping at all. It's so rude and everyone is not like that. I would try to move to another workplace if you can.

Thank you. I've really been hoping it's just a strange town / bad group of workmates. But every time I try and talk about it people rush in to tell me it's just how the Irish are, and make me doubt myself.

I met so many Irish people who weren't at all like this outside of Ireland. I just wish I knew how to find them here!

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Agapornis · 01/06/2025 01:14

I think anywhere very rural with no customers queuing up is like this. Whenever I visit my parents in mainland Europe and we go to a shop with staff they know, it's a full debrief of ailments 😂 as a city dweller I find it embarrassing. They tell me it's normal. The ones who find it normal stay, everyone else moves away!

Also I suspect this is these women's Forever Job, and it's just a temporary solution for you. When someone works in the same retail place/customer service for many years they do, in my experience, get a bit odd in one way or another. Territorial with hints of 'get me out of here but I will never leave'.

Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:10

steepdreams · 31/05/2025 23:52

Talking about people isn’t considered rude here and people aren’t nearly as private, ESPECIALLY in town where everyone knows everyone. Rather I think it would be rude to not enquire how your customers’ family & friends are keeping, especially if you knew they were in ill health or not doing well. It sounds like they’ve all known each other for years and have strong community relationships, something I noticed isn’t as common outside of Ireland. It would be very strange to not ask after people just because a new colleague doesn’t know who they are!

I understand. I think for me it's just the lack of basic introductions? It's basically three people in an empty room and one person is being flat out ignored. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard not to feel like that's rude.

I'm just treated like I don't exist

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nomas · 01/06/2025 01:09

It sounds like they’re taking advantage of the newbie, by making you do most of the work.

Your manager doesn’t want you to talk to anyone because she has pigeon holed you as the worker whilst she chats.

Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 01:01

InWalksBarberalla · 31/05/2025 23:51

O think this is a retail thing - where long time workers form relationships with long time customers.
It would be strange to introduce you into a conversation between another staff member and a customer - surely you just continue doing your job and have your own interactions with the customers you serve.

Totally get that. I don't think these are customers she has formed relationships with though? It seems more the other way around. People she knows who are customers in this instance.

The conversations are just so personal, and they go on for so long. Twenty minutes can feel like forever

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Newname25 · 01/06/2025 01:00

Time to move jobs or commute into a city for work as it will be more anonymous!

Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 00:57

DoYouReally · 31/05/2025 23:45

Your probably in a small rural town where it's fairly relaxed and business is more about keeping customers happy and welcome. (I'm willing to bet you're not in an Aldi or Lidl where getting customer served fast is more of a priority).

It's not gossip or malicious but it's very localised "poor Mary, she's having a tough time with her illness at the moment" or "Maeve & Ronan got engaged at the weekend it's it great""etc.

If you I produce yourself at all "I'm X, I just moved here" people will be more than happy to chat.

It doesn't sound like your boss would have too much of an issue with you taking it handy too.

You have two options - move to a Lidl or Aldi or a larger area - probably only Dublin or surrounding areas. Everyone knows everyone in more rural parts.

I get that. I do. And I have customers whose names and faces I would know. I'd ask them if they're off on their holidays and make small talk with them.

And I would understand if it was a smaller town. It's not that small though! There was talk of us getting city status at one point.

It doesn't sound like your boss would have too much of an issue with you taking it handy too.

The thing is, I think she would! Serving customers fast is a priority as long as she's not talking to someone 😂

What's weird is, on the few occasions I've run into someone she doesn't know and we ended up chatting, I can tell she's uncomfortable. Even when I've made the courtesy of introducing her, and kept the conversation to under five minutes. Nothing like what she does to me all day long, and it only happens once in a blue moon. But she's obviously uncomfortable, so she must know how it feels.

On the rare occasions I can contribute to a conversation she's having with someone, she seems really awkward too, and quickly tries to move the conversation back on to something that will shut me out again. Say if someone was talking to her about a medical procedure they were having done, and they were polite enough to make eye contact and talk to us both, and not just treat me like the furniture. If I had had that same procedure done, I might say a few helpful words about it, give some advice and wish them luck. As you normally would. And my manager would immediately look flustered and try to redirect the conversation. Back to Maeve and Ronan's engagement or whatever. Back to me standing there awkwardly smiling with nothing to say.

The other women I work with are the same. It's really weird. It's like I'm not a real person to them, and they short circuit when they're reminded

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cremebruleee · 01/06/2025 00:46

Catinthereallysmallhat · 01/06/2025 00:26

Gossiping with customers and about them doesn’t mean you have a large circle, it means you’re a gossip. I suspect you are like the women Op is talking about, small town, bored housewife, not much going on, same routine every day. Yup sounds dull.

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and on the other hand you sound so lovely.

SeaFloor · 01/06/2025 00:31

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 00:28

Thank you 😂

This is exactly what it feels like. Like I've slipped into some bizarre alternate universe, and everyone keeps telling me it's normal. Now I'm doubting myself and wondering if there's something wrong with me. I'm chatty, I'm friendly. I want to see the best in people. But gossip makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know how I'm supposed to participate in these conversations? It's not like they're saying "I just got a new job" or "here's a picture of my new baby". I could respond to that! But it's nearly always about a third party who isn't even there. And I haven't been introduced or allowed in to the conversation anyway, so it feels like I'd be pushing in if I did try to contribute.

I'm not happy here. I wanted to love it. I want this to be a bad situation. But it feels like every Irish person I talk to gets defensive and makes me feel like it's all cultural and I shouldn't expect any better. Finding somewhere to live is such a nightmare here. I don't think I have it in me to go through all that, just to find myself in the same situation in a different town. If this is truly how it is everywhere, I don't think I can stay.

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Then maybe you’re right to leave. I realised provincial England wasn’t a good fit for me either. It was no one’s fault, just a poor match of person and place.

KrisAkabusi · 01/06/2025 00:29

Catinthereallysmallhat · 01/06/2025 00:26

Gossiping with customers and about them doesn’t mean you have a large circle, it means you’re a gossip. I suspect you are like the women Op is talking about, small town, bored housewife, not much going on, same routine every day. Yup sounds dull.

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You couldn't be more wrong, but you do you.

SeaFloor · 01/06/2025 00:29

You’re going to have to adapt or move on, OP. See it as a language you’re learning. If you’ve lived there for several years, don’t you know who any of these people are?

I spent many years living in London before moving with a baby to a village in the English midlands that was insular and less unfriendly than just not used to strangers who hadn’t gone to school with you and married someone else who’d gone to school with you. I made a lot of efforts to integrate via volunteering, joining things, inviting people around, but it wasn’t for me. I left, and should have done so sooner.

You also have that choice. Living in a country other than their own isn’t for everyone.

Original poster

getmeoutofhere36 · 01/06/2025 00:28

Meadowfinch · 31/05/2025 23:42

I guess it's a different culture

I once spent two (very long) weeks working in a different city in the UK. All my colleagues at that site talked about was their ailments and their medications. When they got bored with that, they'd move on to their mums' or husbands' ailments.

When I joined the team, I was asked what medication I was on (wtf!) and when I said 'nothing' it was like I didn't exist.

I wasn't sad to go home. Maybe that's what you need to do before your resentment becomes obvious. Why would you want to spend time with such ill mannered, gossipy people?

Edited

Thank you 😂

This is exactly what it feels like. Like I've slipped into some bizarre alternate universe, and everyone keeps telling me it's normal. Now I'm doubting myself and wondering if there's something wrong with me. I'm chatty, I'm friendly. I want to see the best in people. But gossip makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know how I'm supposed to participate in these conversations? It's not like they're saying "I just got a new job" or "here's a picture of my new baby". I could respond to that! But it's nearly always about a third party who isn't even there. And I haven't been introduced or allowed in to the conversation anyway, so it feels like I'd be pushing in if I did try to contribute.

I'm not happy here. I wanted to love it. I want this to be a bad situation. But it feels like every Irish person I talk to gets defensive and makes me feel like it's all cultural and I shouldn't expect any better. Finding somewhere to live is such a nightmare here. I don't think I have it in me to go through all that, just to find myself in the same situation in a different town. If this is truly how it is everywhere, I don't think I can stay.

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