My sister is such a cow!!

I am with your sister. She has an idea of what she wants to give your mother and has got it. You want to do something else and you need to sort it out yourself.
i have a friend that I have known for many years. Every time she has a special birthday one of her family members tries to get everyone to contribute something. This is just not my sort of thing. I did it the first time not realising that everyone would see all contributions. Now I always don’t bother.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ….. there is a lot to be said for being an only child!

Just to add to my previous post. I have a mother with late stage dementia in a nursing home and therefore hard to buy gifts for. A couple of xmas's ago I put together a memory book for her, maybe asked sibs and family/friends if they had photos etc to add but it was very much a gift from me and her grand-daughter. No shouting about people being a cow if they did not get back to me, accessing the family photos and just using Google to find pictures of old places etc. It was not particularly hard to do. You sound really hard work OP tbh. Yes it is a thoughtful gift but not massively original. You seem to want the credit and lots of praise for what is basically a joint effort which you could have involved your sibling in from the start.

I’d never have the balls to refuse to participate in something like this, but I find these sorts of high effort personalised gifts to be very much about the giver / organiser, who often expects a performance of OTT gratitude and emotion from the receiver, and heaps of praise from other family members.

"I’ve previously organised a sewing project (a sewn ‘picture’ that I made for our dad) and it took a huge amount of effort to get her to send me something for that - she had a year’s notice!)"

Seriously. Stop trying to drag other people into your crafty projects. I'd love to hear the other side of this story.

I'm going to go against the grain here too....
So did you discuss with everyone before implementing this gift idea to see if everyone wanted to do it or did you take it upon yourself to do it anyway assuming everyone would participate regardless?? Why go ahead with a gift that would potentially divide people anyway?
I hate it when people do this as they think the moment one person doesn't want to join in that they are a scrooge and have 'ruined' their amazing plan of the best gift ever.

TBH, you're not sounding particularly mature here......

Wow...talk about spiteful and unnecessarily dramatic. You really think a 90 year old mum would want this as a birthday present??? Yikes. Your family get togethers must be delightful.

Don't know how old you are (relevant because of how many photos you're likely to have and how they're stored/whether you can access them online etc) but can you just include some of her, if you have them? Yes, it would be nice if she'd get involved, but this way at least she'd be in tem, if you're worried your mum might be upset if she's not?
Sadly I've heard lots of stories like yours, please don't let her upset you. I can only think of about 3 friends who get on with their sisters at all-oh well, we can choose our friends!

Not mean or weird at all - no one asked her to put together a book! If she wanted to put one together herself then that's on her. But just because she wanted snippets etc from people doesn't mean that she's entitled to them or that people should feel obligated to do anything - again, they never asked her to put this book together! Expecting other people to do things just because you think it's a nice idea is rude. It is conflict-seeking behaviour and it's not appropriate.

Remember: if you ask someone to do something then you have to be content with "no" being a potential response. This is basic communication that we teach children from a young age, and is one reason why parents tell their children to do things - you cannot punish someone for saying "no" if presented with a question! So: essentially what you are saying is that OP should be allowed to tell her sister what to do just because she thinks it's a nice idea to put together a book. That's nonsense. Managing expectations and conflict management are important skills to learn when growing up, and it seems the OP needs to do a bit of work on developing those skills so she stops getting bend out of shape.

Umm I dunno. I mean if you had messaged round the family with the suggestion and asked who would like to have stuff included and she had made a snotty remark then or said Yes then and pulled out later, I'd say cow......but if you decided to do it and framed it as "this is what I sm doing" then maybe not as kind as you'd hope for but not cow IMO

Yes great idea. Do this OP!

I totally agree with you. This is utterly dysfunctional and completely obnoxious behaviour. The kind of thing one would expect from 10 year olds, not grown women!!
I can tell you exactly how this convo would happen with my sisters and a big birthday:
Q: Oh hey, thinking of putting together a memory book for mum - do you want to join in?
A: Oh that's sweet but I already sorted out a present/card etc.
Q: Awesome! Bet she will love it! See you soon! xxx

You are missing the point here. The book was meant to have snippets and contributions from family and, maybe, friends. If the OP didn’t ask (ask, NOT badger) others for their contributions, there would be no book.
if the sister doesn’t want to join in, that’s her choice, I think she is being mean. If she wanted to give her own present, that’s fine, but refusing to have anything to do with the book is weird. The OP says they all get on well, so I find the sister’s refusal strange. She could contribute to the book but give her own, personal gift as well. What would be wrong with that?
Looking on the bright side, the Birthday Girl will get two gifts instead of just one! Sounds good to me!

I understand you are making it and putting a lot of time and effort in and it’s a gorgeous gift , however I would have said it was from all of us , not myself if I did it. Your mum would know you were the instigator of it but giving it as a joint gift seeing everyone contributed is how I’d have probably done it if I were in your shoes.

She is a total cow but don’t message. Put it all together and she won’t factor.

You're missing the point: she never asked you to put this together! It doesn't matter what the "ask" is, the point is that you are imposing on other people's time etc when they never asked you to put this book together in the first place. If it's your gift to your mother then just put it together yourself. No one is obligated to take part in your project - and they shouldn't be made to feel bad for not taking part. You clearly don't get on well with your sister so it wasn't a good idea to be trying to manage her behaviour anyway. Just leave her be - and don't create drama that didn't need to be created. And certainly don't use this as some points scoring exercise with your mum.

If it's bothering you that much then leave some pages in the back for people to add their own thoughts and memories if and when there is a family party. That way your mum can the add cards etc that she receives from people to the book. For all we know your mum is the kind of person who would much rather have people to chat to in real life and a phone call/visit than a book full of photos and memories that she already has - so expending a load of energy and angst over this isn't likely the most productive use of your time when you could be taking your mum out for a cup of tea, or doing whatever activities she likes to do.

"She’s doing it to try & sink my idea"

"to me it is clear that she’s just trying to undermine my idea."

"She doesn’t like the fact that the gift that may well mean the most to my mum will have originated from me. Jealousy, possibly?!!"

"I think she’s always had issues with the fact that I’ve been more confident and outgoing than her"

I'm sorry but you just sound like a pair of 9 year old's squabbling.

She's told you she doesn't want to take part, she's said the gift is from you and I'd say it's pretty clear she feels you'll take the credit for it.

Yet instead of accepting that, you've followed up your message to her FOUR times?

Just leave her out of it and do whatever you're going to do but for goodness sake, I bet your mum would love to bang both your heads together.

Surely you have some photos of you both to include. Yabu making am issue of this.

Karma will get her when she sees mum gushing over the nice messages and there isn’t one from her.

I’m afraid I’d do, and have done the same as your sister. I HATE jolly hockey sticks joint projects. I HATE enforced togetherness. I HATE someone co-opting me into their project. I HATE being told what to do. And more than all those, I hate being guilted for all the things I hate.

If you were my sibling and suggested this, I’d tell you that I have my own present in mind and to please proceed without me (and also that I don’t want to hear a word about me “spoiling” your present - should have asked me first before unilaterally deciding on an idea that required input I don’t want to give). The only thing I fault your sister for is not being upfront about her intentions.

We have an overbearing relative who takes it upon themselves to do this kind of thing, no consultation with others, joint planning or asking for others opinions and meaningful input. They are just equally are a glory seeker and a professional martyr. Did you plan this together with your sister or just present it to her as a done deal?

Leave her to it and drop the rope. Don’t mention it again.

Some people just love creating negative energy and upsetting others, so don’t get suckered in (hard not to though).

I hope you have a lovely celebration 💐