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AIBU?

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Original poster

My sister is such a cow!!

266 replies

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:19

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

OP posts:
WakingUpTheNeighbours · 01/06/2025 07:53

LlynTegid · 01/06/2025 07:45

Cows would be more pleasant.

I'd laugh if when the sad day comes, said sister is cut out of the will.

What on earth? The sister has a good relationship with her mum and has got a present sorted. What a spiteful post.

Threepiece · 01/06/2025 07:53

Psychoticbreak · 01/06/2025 01:17

@Threepiece saying nothing at all is showing your child they do not need to set boundaries and to be honest the OP sounds more and more up her own arse as she posts. Her sister said no. OP cannot compute somebody saying no to her. As I said in my other post not all kids have the same parents even if it is the same human. My mother abused me, loved my sister and my sister would do this photoshite too. Not everyone needs to be nor should be a 'yes' person to appease others. OP comes across as the golden child of a narcissistic parent and her sister the scapegoat and if that is the case, and it was with me, then no way would I be considering wasting my time trying to fill in a memory book on behalf of the other sibling who wants to make it.

Did her sister say no?

Chorltonandthewhale · 01/06/2025 07:53

Threepiece · 01/06/2025 07:49

Are you sure you’re not projecting a little bit with that wild anger… quite a dramatic response to someone a bit annoyed about a family irritation?

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OP does not come across as ‘a bit annoyed’, she comes across as really angry. She’s calling her sister names, throwing accusations of jealousy, bringing up past perceived grievances. She’s clearly angry.

Threepiece · 01/06/2025 07:49

FumbDucker · 01/06/2025 07:43

It would have been so easy for my sister to say yes of course & texted me 3 photos & a message to include if she couldn’t be arsed to send something in the post

⬆️ Please reflect on your behaviour OP. YOU are the one who is (yet again) demanding time and effort from others for your own benefit, and are wildly angry because she is not doing exactly as you say! RE: Could have messaged 3 photos if she ‘couldn’t be arsed’ to send something in the post is hilariously insightful as had she messaged you pictures you would likely have bitched to people that you had to print them out etc.

Have you given any consideration to her life? She says she’s too busy, whilst I’m guessing you’ve retired - has she? Does she care for grandchildren/your mother?

You come across as eager to paint her as the villain in something YOU have created, in your 60’s perhaps it’s time YOU reflect on why that is…

Are you sure you’re not projecting a little bit with that wild anger… quite a dramatic response to someone a bit annoyed about a family irritation?

WakingUpTheNeighbours · 01/06/2025 07:46

Having read all of your posts, I think it’s highly unlikely that your sister is jealous of you OP. I think it’s more likely that she’s just had enough of you. Leave her alone. The drama you have created around this is too much and to create a thread about it on here for even more drama to try to get people to agree that your sister is a cow is really horrible. It all says far more about you than your sister.

LlynTegid · 01/06/2025 07:45

Cows would be more pleasant.

I'd laugh if when the sad day comes, said sister is cut out of the will.

FumbDucker · 01/06/2025 07:43

It would have been so easy for my sister to say yes of course & texted me 3 photos & a message to include if she couldn’t be arsed to send something in the post

⬆️ Please reflect on your behaviour OP. YOU are the one who is (yet again) demanding time and effort from others for your own benefit, and are wildly angry because she is not doing exactly as you say! RE: Could have messaged 3 photos if she ‘couldn’t be arsed’ to send something in the post is hilariously insightful as had she messaged you pictures you would likely have bitched to people that you had to print them out etc.

Have you given any consideration to her life? She says she’s too busy, whilst I’m guessing you’ve retired - has she? Does she care for grandchildren/your mother?

You come across as eager to paint her as the villain in something YOU have created, in your 60’s perhaps it’s time YOU reflect on why that is…

Tandora · 01/06/2025 07:40

Eldermileniummam · 31/05/2025 23:22

Either it's a gift from you OP in which case you don't badger other people
to contribute or you accept it's a joint effort and maybe your sister will be more happy to assist?

This. Lots of contradictions here- well it’s kind of from everyone, but I put in all the amazing effort so it’s from me!… but of course I don’t care about the credit… but it is from me… but everyone else has to put in the work for it or they’re selfish.

HornungTheHelpful · 01/06/2025 07:38

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:28

that is one way of looking at it, but I don’t think sending a few photos & a short note on a piece of plain paper requires much effort. I’ve bought an embossed book, got input from multiple people, pressed flowers, collected tickets, drawings, stitched shells into the pages etc.

I agree it’s pretty petty, but on her part!

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I think you’re being a bit silly. You’ve put a lot of effort in (pressing flowers? Sounds lovely but you must have time on your hands) so why does she need to too? Maybe she’s put a lot of effort into her present.

Your approach here sounds like my sister - she’ll just assume everyone will do what she wants then demands input and gets upset and thinks the other person’s selfish if they have a different idea and stick to it. I always do as I’m told but good on your sister for ploughing her own furrow. If you wanted to do this why not get input on what to do or how to do it rather than do what you want and expect people to comply. Sounds a bit selfish to me …

SmoothRoads · 01/06/2025 07:35

You have asked your sister for something and she has said no. Instead of respecting that, you have been guilt-tripping her, calling her a "cow" and a "bitch" on a public forum and are now also trying to guilt posters who don't agree with you with the same, broken record message of "But it's for my 90 year old mum." and "With that attitude there would never be any joint projects".

Are you sure this is about your mum? Or are you just trying to compete with your sister about who gives the best present. Why can't you just take no for an answer without the insults and the guilt tripping?

ShesTheAlbatross · 01/06/2025 07:32

sandyhappypeople · 01/06/2025 00:01

In my experience, when people assign their own motives to the actions of others, especially when they accuse them of being jealous of them, they are usually wrong. Calling her a cow for not wanting to participate in a present that you are micro managing and are going to take the credit for is really over the top and says more about you than it does her.

On the other hand, I can see why you are slightly annoyed, I've done this sort of gift in the past, it would be nice to all be on board, but she obviously doesn't like the fact that you are putting all this together by yourself and 'claiming' it is a group present, when you aren't actually letting anyone else have any real input into the end result. In other words you are just using their photos and memories to make yourself and your present look good. If you actually cared about their input or presenting it as a group effort, you would all sit down together to do it, or you would each do your own section separately and bind it together at the end.

It is obvious you don't want to present this as a group gift, so sadly she has no interest in participating in it, it's a shame really, but it sounds like you have form for doing it in fairness.

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I agree. “She doesn’t like me because she’s jealous of me” - the truth is often more that they don’t like you because you think they’re jealous of you ie you think you are superior enough for them to be jealous of you.
I think anytime someone says someone else is jealous of them (in particular jealous of their personality eg their confidence) it speaks far more about how they see themself and the other person, than how the other person sees them.

Tandora · 01/06/2025 07:31

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:51

That’s kinda how it will be framed. And it will be obviously from everyone had they’ll all have their messages included etc. U think she can’t cope with even the fact that I might hand it over to mum. 🤦‍♀️

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“Kinda” how? Kinda doing a lot of work here..
I agree she resents you centring yourself and demanding that everyone put their effort into your gift. Sounds like you have form- the comment about how you are more outgoing and confident than your sister also telling..

She doesn’t have to contribute to your gift if she doesn’t want to. I don’t think it’s selfish. Maybe it just doesn’t feel authentic for her? She’s sorted her own gift for your mum. It’s not a big deal - you have lots of other contributions.

charabang · 01/06/2025 07:26

TBH I don't like these sort of performative project. If I were your sister I'd pretty much say the same sort of thing. You're different people and obviously rub each other up the wrong way so I'm not sure why you expect a different outcome based on her attutude to your previous sewing project. You can choose to see it as sabotage or just let it go.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/06/2025 07:24

Overtheatlantic · 31/05/2025 22:38

Maybe she doesn’t like you centering yourself as the one who is organising the gift.

How is she centring herself ? I’ve done similar for a relative and unless you can get together with all the participants it’s pretty much down to one or two people to co-ordinate the material collected.

Koalafan · 01/06/2025 07:23

MsTTT · 31/05/2025 22:25

It’s not really a gift from you if it involves effort from other people.

Given your mother’s age, I’m guessing you and your sister are likely in or around your 60s and too old for petty squabbles and oneupmanship?

This.

Chorltonandthewhale · 01/06/2025 07:21

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:37

Fair questions.

It is not - and I’m pretty sure about this - that she had a bad experience or childhood and therefore doesn’t want to participate. She’s got prior form with being an absolute bitch to me over the years, and to me it is clear that she’s just trying to undermine my idea.

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Why did you decide on this present then, and insist on her cooperation when you must have known that would not be forthcoming?

It’s like, even if unconsciously, you have created this dynamic so that you can feel righteously angry about it.

Just ignore your sister, instead of sending endless messages you know full well won’t win her over, and get on with the present without her.

At the moment you are feeding the drama, including with this thread. Just exit yourself from it.

beAsensible1 · 01/06/2025 07:14

MsTTT · 31/05/2025 22:25

It’s not really a gift from you if it involves effort from other people.

Given your mother’s age, I’m guessing you and your sister are likely in or around your 60s and too old for petty squabbles and oneupmanship?

This

Feetinthegrass · 01/06/2025 07:13

The rivalry is ridiculous at your age op! Grow up and start being respectful.

If she doesn’t want to to do it for whatever reason, that is up to her. Maybe she DOES have much bigger things to worry about, that she hasn’t yet shared with the family.

Your fury and rage that she won’t give in to your demands sound brattish. Don’t inflict yourself and your own demands on others, be mindful of their choices and life will get a lot easier. She doesn’t have to take instructions from you.

AnotherNaCha · 01/06/2025 07:08

That you love the idea of including an awful pic of her and a few other comments makes it seem you are competitive with your sister and this is more about getting the best gift rather than a nice gesture to your mum. Think your sister’s form probably comes from a history of that

TakingHavenInTescoExpress · 01/06/2025 07:08

Making arrangements for other adults to do things is contra-indicated, unless you happen to be their line manager.

prelovedusername · 01/06/2025 07:07

CompetentAdults · 01/06/2025 06:13

What an unpleasant comment. The way people post on MN amazes me. Why would the OP have form for badgering people to make herself look good?? Narcissistic? What’s wrong with some people.

Anyway OP. Your sister is jealous of you and wants to sabotage the gift. It would take seconds for her to email a short message. Your mum will miss a comment from your sister and that’s sad but there is nothing you can do. It’s a lovely idea and I am sure your mum will adore it. What a shame your sister is making this a competition.

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What nonsense. The OP’s sister has said she has her own gift, quite possibly an equally thoughtful one.

It isn’t a big deal but the OP is making it one because she isn’t getting her own way.

MaryBeardsShoes · 01/06/2025 07:02

To be honest, your posts here make it sound like you’re a bit of a pain on the arse who has absolutely no ability to honestly reflect on their own behaviour. Bet your sister has had enough of being belittled by you.

TENSsion · 01/06/2025 07:02

NeymeChenge · 01/06/2025 01:03

I’d just leave a blank space where you were expecting your sister to contribute and if your mum asks about it, just explain that she didn’t participate. Let that sort itself out on its own.

And this would prove beyond any doubt that the photo book is more about OP than her mum.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/06/2025 06:59

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:24

She will frequently ignore my wishes in family situations, will pretend to not hear my request or comment for something (such as a suggestion in a conversation about a family day out or meet up). So for example she might call me and we’ll have a conversation about a family holiday she is organising, and I will explain that location a would be great but location b is trickier. And she will say ‘understood, let’s go for a’ and then in a group chat with family she’ll completely overlook that conversation ever happened and go with location b. Just one example but I’m trying to be specific!!

I’ve previously organised a sewing project (a sewn ‘picture’ that I made for our dad) and it took a huge amount of effort to get her to send me something for that - she had a year’s notice!).

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What would your sister have done if you had not contacted her to request photos and a message and had just left her out of this gift? Would she have been happy because she doesn't like this sort of thing and had planned her own gift, or would she take massive offence at being excluded? Does she enjoy you asking so that she can say no or would she prefer not to be asked?

prelovedusername · 01/06/2025 06:55

MsTTT · 31/05/2025 23:05

Based on your posts here, I think your sister sees you as quite narcissistic. You seem very confident that, of all the gifts your mum will receive, yours will be her favourite. You also view any feelings contrary to an interpretation of you as confident or outgoing as jealousy.

Your sister has said she doesn’t have time to take part in helping you with your gift. She’s entitled to do that. You’re creating a memory book, not a court summons.

I’m guessing you have a history of badgering people to do things to make you look good.

This was my reaction too, based on my own relationship with my sister. I wasn’t jealous of her, I just didn’t allow her to manipulate and control me as she would have liked.

As others have said, this isn’t a gift from you, but you are framing it as such.

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