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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister is such a cow!!

266 replies

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:19

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

OP posts:
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Threepiece · 02/06/2025 23:49

Ownedbykitties · 02/06/2025 23:18

I hate being pressured into things like this. Sounds like your sister doesn't like it either. Maybe it's as simple as that.

Maybe. Just a couple of pics and a message though, no big deal.

Ownedbykitties · 02/06/2025 23:18

I hate being pressured into things like this. Sounds like your sister doesn't like it either. Maybe it's as simple as that.

Hopingtobeaparent · 02/06/2025 14:11

2chocolateoranges · 31/05/2025 22:21

Personally I’d just leave her out of it, if she’s going to be selfish then don’t include her in the scrap book and if mum asks tell her your sister didn’t want to participate in it.

This. You’ve given her the option. She’s not a team player sibling. Don’t get stressed about it. I’m sure your mum will appreciate what you’ve done either way.

Hope it goes well!

Debzyrobinson · 02/06/2025 09:43

Ÿou are not being unreasonable. She should be grateful that your is still a live at 90 .I wish I still had my mum.

sashh · 02/06/2025 04:39

Is your sister my brother?

I organised a big do for our dad's 80th, it took a year. The week before my brother tried to change the date.

Just leave a blank page, your sister can add to it or not.

Chints · 02/06/2025 01:42

I think you're spending too much effort making assumptions about her inner thoughts and motivations. In my family not taking part would probably just be flakiness.

In MN speak you have issued an invitation not a summons to contribute. She is free not to join in, it's fine. No need to judge her so much. You don't know where is truly coming from on this so leave it alone.

OhcantthInkofaname · 02/06/2025 01:41

Leave a few blank pages with her name at the bottom.

SaveAndEarnMoreMoney · 02/06/2025 01:34

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:19

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

YANBU She is missing the point! It’s about your Mum, not her!
I’d put in a picture of her for your Mum’s sake but not bother with more than that. You can choose whatever picture you like of her… :-D

Threepiece · 01/06/2025 22:45

fiveIsNewOne · 01/06/2025 20:47

Which shows how bad idea on the OP's side it was to organise it in this way.

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How should she have organised it? It sounds as though everybody else was happy to contribute and thought it was a good idea, should OP have held off until her sister agreed and then not done anything because she didn’t get a confirmation? That would’ve been a shame for her mum and everybody else?

I love it when someone else organises stuff like this, because I’m kind of crap. And yes, sometimes I do think, oh no, I don’t have much time, but it’s certainly better than being the one that has to do it myself. Also, it’s just a bloody photo album. She hasn’t signed them up for a year long reality TV show or a holiday or something?

SonK · 01/06/2025 22:27

Hey OP, it's a lovely gift, and I agree with the others, simply leave her out of it or include some photos anyway!

fiveIsNewOne · 01/06/2025 20:47

GlitteryRainbow · 01/06/2025 20:31

This ^^

Remind her that it’s for your Mum’s special day and that your Mum will think it odd everytime she looks at it if she isn’t in it.

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Which shows how bad idea on the OP's side it was to organise it in this way.

GlitteryRainbow · 01/06/2025 20:31

Ddakji · 31/05/2025 22:22

Can you say that you understand you’re organizing it but everyone else has contributed so it would be nice if she did and noticeable if she didn’t?

This ^^

Remind her that it’s for your Mum’s special day and that your Mum will think it odd everytime she looks at it if she isn’t in it.

Buffs · 01/06/2025 19:39

Is there a back story? Is there a reason for your sister being a ‘cow’?

Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 01/06/2025 18:53

Threepiece · 01/06/2025 16:17

The language people are using in here to assign motives to the OP is crazy, and they’re calling her dramatic!

Stuff like:

Took it upon herself
Fucking raging
Some of us can be between the lines to see the spite.

it’s saying more about them than the OP, they’re the ones saying it, not her.

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Thanks @ThreepieceI must admit I thought the same…a lot of projecting!! But hey ho!

OP posts:
NeymeChenge · 01/06/2025 18:47

TENSsion · 01/06/2025 18:40

Because wits not beyond the realms of passivity to just add some photos of her sister with her mum and the dates and places they were taken.

But you think it better to leave a blank page with her sister’s name to say “Look mummy! Susan doesn’t love you as much as I do”

It’s embarrassing

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I think you’re putting a message over that that’s not there

Hellofreshh · 01/06/2025 18:42

2chocolateoranges · 31/05/2025 22:21

Personally I’d just leave her out of it, if she’s going to be selfish then don’t include her in the scrap book and if mum asks tell her your sister didn’t want to participate in it.

This. The end. Don't bother asking your sister in future.

TENSsion · 01/06/2025 18:40

NeymeChenge · 01/06/2025 17:54

Why is that “telling tales?”

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Because wits not beyond the realms of passivity to just add some photos of her sister with her mum and the dates and places they were taken.

But you think it better to leave a blank page with her sister’s name to say “Look mummy! Susan doesn’t love you as much as I do”

It’s embarrassing

Schoolsec · 01/06/2025 17:58

My SIL organised something similar for my in laws. We felt we had to contribute, even though we are not fans of these sorts of gifts. Personally, I find them a bit cringey and can’t ever think of anything to write that doesn’t sound crass. Sorry but maybe it’s not her thing 🤷‍♀️

NeymeChenge · 01/06/2025 17:54

TENSsion · 01/06/2025 15:32

It’s really sad that there are adults out there who will do this or think it’s perfectly reasonable. This explains why so many adults can’t get along with their siblings.
The book should be about her mum, not the OP telling tales because she’s under the childish illusion that it will win her mummy’s favour.

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Why is that “telling tales?”

Goldusty · 01/06/2025 17:53

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:50

Neither…she gets on fine with mum, but hates my guts! I think she’s always had issues with the fact that I’ve been more confident and outgoing than her, and this is how it manifests…sadly.

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I feel sorry for your sister

Redissnoring · 01/06/2025 17:08

Sister doesn’t want to join in- that’s fine, her choice.

find a couple of nice photos of your sister and mum and just caption factually ‘mum and sister, Christmas 2019’. ‘Mum and sister, Lake district - Summer 2022’

Then she’s included in the book which I’m sure your mum will like and there is no drama or need to keep on asking .

keep it simple - just not worth stressing over.

Feetinthegrass · 01/06/2025 17:02

The sister could have some very good reasons why she doesn’t want to contribute, her childhood experiences may have been very difficult/different to OP’s. This could very well be the case if the golden child dynamic is at play. It certainly fits with the sister being painted as the ‘selfish ogre’ and difficult. She may very well be doing her best under very trying circumstances.

HornungTheHelpful · 01/06/2025 16:45

Threepiece · 01/06/2025 16:17

The language people are using in here to assign motives to the OP is crazy, and they’re calling her dramatic!

Stuff like:

Took it upon herself
Fucking raging
Some of us can be between the lines to see the spite.

it’s saying more about them than the OP, they’re the ones saying it, not her.

Show quote history

Why have you quoted me? I didn’t say any of those things!

what I was trying to say in what you’ve quoted was having what I imagine is a not dissimilar relationship with my sister, that my mother would have an excellent idea of what had happened and how everyone felt about it. That’s not a criticism of the OP, notwithstanding - on what’s been posted - that I have more sympathy for the sister

Threepiece · 01/06/2025 16:17

HornungTheHelpful · 01/06/2025 08:14

If I had to guess, just based on the OP’s posts, I’d say the mum will know exactly why one person is missing. Anyone really believe this is the first dispute of this kind 🤣

Show quote history

The language people are using in here to assign motives to the OP is crazy, and they’re calling her dramatic!

Stuff like:

Took it upon herself
Fucking raging
Some of us can be between the lines to see the spite.

it’s saying more about them than the OP, they’re the ones saying it, not her.

5128gap · 01/06/2025 15:57

Caligirl80 · 01/06/2025 11:20

Once again, you are ignoring the fact that OP took it upon herself to put this book together. No one asked her to do so. She asked her sister if she wanted to send something, and her sister - appropriately - declined. If there is a yes/no question then "no" is an appropriate answer. And her sister can have any reason or no reason at all for saying no. In this case the reason given is that the sister has already sorted out a gift and doesn't wish to partake in OPs project. Note: The sister didn't expect OP to join in with her gift idea - and isn't causing any drama at all. The OP is the one who has a history of unilaterally organising these craft projects and then expecting other people to do some of the work: that is inappropriate behaviour, and she knew from the last time this happened that her sister didn't like it. OP is causing unnecessary drama here and needs to stop making her mum's birthday about herself.

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We will have to agree to disagree. Because all I see here is the OP doing a nice, normal thing to mark a landmark birthday in a long life, and a key part of that life, the sister, is causing drama and drawing attention to herself by being the only person to self exclude. If the avoidance of drama was an aim here, a photo and a few words sent to the OP would have caused a whole lot less of it. Such a simple thing to do that costs nothing in time or money.