I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

I want to be honest. The more you say, the more I realise that it sounds like you and your DH need to sort out your issues.

It is not nice at all when there is tension between the parents and children can sense and feel that and often make it feel worse. My previous relationship ended because we were at each others fault so much to the point where my DD was witnessing it. We split up because the issues were too big.

I don’t know what you and your DH are going through but honestly find a way to talk about it or get a middle person involved such as a councillor - as you’ve mentioned he is projecting his anger towards you at the kids. Which is not fair, but it makes me question - how do you both deal with conflict? Do you have a healthy way of deadline with disagreements? What happened 2 months ago when you noticed the change.

I am not defending his behaviour - as when I was in a dysfunctional relationship we always stopped if the kid was sad.

I want to say that I am a mum of a teen and they can be freaking HARD WORK! Especially when it comes to simple things like cleaning their room. I’ll be honest and say that o have got to the point where I have been angry and the uncleanliness of my DDs room - and we have had arguments over it. Your DD needs to start taking it seriously. You know her, so what will make her act?

I hope things have calmed down and I’m sorry it has got to this. But it sounds like a build up of something as I read your replies.

OP, you know already that what you did was because you felt the situation was out of control, but, in order to get past it, I think you need to start off by calling a family meeting when everyone is calm. Then you all need the chance to have your say about what happened, why, and what can be done to prevent it happening again. During this conversation, NO ONE must shout. Something which my family find works quite well, is the person who calls the meeting starts off holding something like a wooden spoon, they instruct the family, that while a person has the spoon, they must NOT be interrupted. When they've said what they want to talk about, each person then gets to hold the spoon, and NO ONE must interrupt while they say what they want to say. This very often avoids everyone trying to talk over each other, so maybe start the chat, by explaining how holding the spoon works, before beginning the discussion about what happened today. Then say something along the lines of, 'As you all know we all got very upset and shouty yesterday. It was caused by DD not cleaning her room, then Dad got cross, and other DD interfered, and then it all got out of hand, and I got angry and shouted at Dad. None of this is going to happen again, which is why I've called this meeting. In future, DD when you are asked to clean your room, you will do it at a time in the day, set by YOU, but it must be done on the day you are asked to do it. (This makes her feel like she has a say in the matter, she must do it that day, but she gets to choose when) If you fail to do this, you will be punished by (whatever means you think is suitable)'. Then go on to ask her if she agrees to do this - you then give her the spoon, and she gets to say what she thinks. Perhaps at that point, you will want to speak again, so you ask for the spoon back, although if your DH wants to speak, you may think it better to give him the opportunity, by giving him the spoon. (I know it all sounds a bit complicated with the spoon, but once everyone accepts that they DON'T SPEAK while someone else has the spoon, it does help to control the discussion.

Obviously you may feel the wood spoon thing is daft, but it works for us, and might be worth giving a try. Just a suggestion.

Meanwhile, if you're perimenopausal, and getting shouty, and a bit irrational at times, then can I suggest that you go and talk to your doctor, who may feel that you need anti-depressants if things are getting on top of you, and you feel unable to cope. On the other hand, they may want to do various tests, to see that all is well physically, but either way, at least then you will have a chance to get some help.

I don’t know why you are giving yourself such a hard time OP. Everyone was upset and fraught and you lost it briefly and defended your kids. It doesn’t sound that bad to me.

This

Why is it the op’s problem?
Her husband is in the wrong here.

Bullying or telling off?

I think people are picking up on OP feeling this was out of character for her and she’s saying she feels deranged. I have felt like this because of hormonal changes. Heard myself screaming at my child and it was like it wasn’t me.

I think your reaction to your outburst is completely disproportionate. You didn't hit anyone or hurt anyone. You've just had enough of him being the only one in the family who's allowed to get angry, and rightly so. If this was out of character for you, it hopefully got his attention.

You activated your instincts and defended them. They obviously felt scared and threatened. You was right.
my dad used to scare the shit out of me as a kid, now I’m an anxious adult

I hope you’ve all sat down and relaxed a bit, OP. You’ve all got wound up, and DH makes it worse by shouting. Get some sleep. With luck and good will, you’ll all be OK tomorrow.

It’s Sod’s Law that perimenopause so often hits when teenagers are full of hormonal upheaval too. Try not to let it get you down. DH needs to step up, stay calm and be glad he’s got a very simple reproductive system.

You don’t sound deranged, you sound like you’re at the end of your tether.
But I get the feeling you feel like this is out of character for you. I went through a stage like this right at the start of perimenopause. Could it be that?

I don’t think she’s expecting anything specific from you. She sounds like somebody in crisis needing support.

It seems to me that if you love your husband and feel you still have a good and loving connection couple therapy would be a very good idea. Wishing you and your family well.

if someone was shouting at me and my child while we were crying I think I would lash out as well. It sounds like you’re feeling absolutely overwhelmed with shame and regret OP, very difficult feelings to sit with. I hope you can take something constructive from this when the dust has settled which is clearly what you’re trying to do, and at the same time not minimise quite how big a provocation was for you to lose your shit like that. It’s not okay to shout at people - especially kids, while they are crying, and you’re right to feel protective in that situation. Imagine if you hadn’t said anything. That would be worse imo

So things have only been horrible in the last few months since you got frustrated at the unequal division of labour and started challenging the status quo

Previously he presumably did fuck all around the house and was happy with that & is annoyed that he’s being asked to contribute more.

His version of “doing more” is to shout at the kids to tidy their rooms and then throw a strop that you “don’t want him to succeed”

He sounds like a lazy moody cunt and I can’t understand why you are feeling so terrible about your own behaviour. Good on you for standing up for your kids.

I'm sorry but in my book it's not acceptable to keep shouting at three people who are crying, especially if they are supposed to be the people you love. I don't care if there was shouting an an argument before, if you've gotten to the point where both of your children and your wife and crying and upset, lay off the shouting. You've done enough at that point. You're just making three people more upset and frightened and it's bullying.
Shouting at him at some point, shouting at him during an argument in the past doesn't excuse that.

OP, please don’t be hard on yourself. I also come from a shouty childhood home (mostly my mum, who was a teacher and could shout for Britain). I’m actively breaking the cycle and I hate it if my husband raises his voice. But we slip up - it’s human, it happens. And I feel like being aware of it and openly discussing it with the kids, once everyone has calmed down, is a good game plan. Could you treat this as an opportunity to discuss managing emotions, and showing how we care for each other by doing the thing we’ve been asked to do, etc, etc? Sending you a big hug xxx

It will blow over by tomorrow and your kids will be fine. All kids get yelled at every now and then, its part of growing up. I wouldn't get too stressed about it

You sound at the end of your tether. I'm sorry that you are feeling so miserable.

The atmosphere in the house sounds very tense with everyone shouting and screaming. Contrary to what some PPs have said, there is never a good reason to shout at someone (with the exception of emergencies, of course). If the source of stress is housework, is your DH genuinely making a good faith effort to take on his fair share of household chores? Or is he just trying to pass the buck to your children?

really?
You REALLY, all three of you cried? Really?
this is very similar to Mumsnets ‘shaking and crying’ to me.

It sounds like you've asked him to do more of the housework, but he's decided to pick on the kids for not doing enough housework instead of actually doing any more himself?

From what you've said, it sounds very likely that he absolutely was having a go at you through your daughter. And I imagine that after this little display he now feels safe in assuming that you're not going to be mentioning housework to him again any time soon....

Yes, it's a horrible environment and not healthy for anyone, so now this is about how you move on. You're going to have to work hard on reassuring the children, and creating a better atmosphere. If you are feeling under stress so much that you are screaming, then you need help. Can you and DH go to couple's counselling? There are also parenting courses which may help you get back on track.
See your GP about your MH, they can refer you. It's easy to blame the perimenopause, it sounds worse than that.

DH feels is trying to do more and I don't want him to succeed.

Huh? Why not? Isn't that exactly what you want him to do?