I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

Are You always so pompous?

Better the girls remember mum swearing at dad whilst she fought their corner than doing nothing whilst he bullied them.

Good for you, OP. I wonder whether this has been a long time coming?

Oh OP I have been there. It’s awful but you will get past it. I love how no one on Mumsnet has ever been pushed to the brink by their partner or kids and everyone is perfect all the time.

I also hate shouting but once lost it with DH because he had this habit of blaming his mistakes on me (e.g. I only lost my wallet because you asked me to go to the shop for milk, if I had stayed at home I wouldn’t have lost it.”). It was a weird processing thing he did when he was annoyed with himself but I hated it and told him on multiple occasions. Once he did it when I was already in a bad mood and I totally lost it. I screamed like a banshee at him. Also felt shaky and vomity. He didn’t do it again though.

It sounds like you had good reason to be angry. Take yourself out for a walk or a coffee to clear your mind and then come back and reset.

If youre in your 40s, I really suggest trialling if you feel better on HRT.
Its amazing how good oestrogen can be at helping us tolerate stuff. Even without all the other health benefits

An awful lot of people here are jumping to interpret your husbands behaviour. But he’s not here, you are, and from your posts it’s not really his reaction that you want to talk about - it’s your own. From being pushed into behaving that way you did (screaming at your family) and then what seems like a big over reaction afterwards, excessively blaming yourself and feeling sick.

Have you ever had counselling to talk about being brought up in an angry household, and the lasting impacts that this will have had on you? Help to stay calm when it’s all kicking off? Or to be kind to yourself when it turns out that you are capable, in moments of stress, of being exactly the thing you hate most - an angry shouty parent?

Welcome to the 'occasionally we are shit parents' club.

It is very different to the 'always violent and shouting parents' club.

Our kids are now adults. They have apparently survived, both in healthy relationships with jobs they enjoy and friends.

I said he could help. Not necessarily by actually doing any tidying himself, sometimes kids just need a hand to start. Particularly if there is a lot to do, it can be overwhelming. So even 'DD start by putting your clothes in the laundry basket etc etc'.

Pitching in to help your kids clean up - even if it's their own mess - is just part of being a family imo.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd put it better than I did :)

I think you responded viscerally in the heat of the moment. There can be a lot of truth in such responses, that is, they are not inhibited by the usual social niceties. It sounds like the whole family needs to get together in calmer circumstances to explore what is going on in your family unit. There seems to be a genuine problem to be addressed.

I must say that I find it a good thing that you wanted to protect your children. Too many women tiptoe around angry men, beseeching their children to behave just to keep the peace - and never speak up on behalf of their children. So, it may not have been the best, but it was certainly understandable, and not the worst reaction, which would have been to take the side of the aggressor.

Poor OP. Don’t beat yourself up. H should be feeling much worse than you for doing the bullying in the first place. It can be a shock to kids when mum snaps while defending them, but if you are generally the peacemaker, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing for them to see you standing up for yourself and them.

Everyone has in the past - but as Ive mentioned elsewhere why was DP so upset about the mess? Had they been asked many times before to sort their shit out - in which case I'm not surprised he got arsey with them. Ive got step daughters 23 +25yo - spend thousands of pounds on their rooms with top of the range carpets etc and they were a pig sty - makeup everywhere leaking onto sheets and carpets, hair straighteners left on the floor while hot damaging carpets etc, cans of drinks spilt onto the carpets - it made me mad so I can see why he may have been 'upset'

Completely agree - OP just 'flipped' for a second - its fine - we've all done that. Its life. and a 12 and 17yo will have heard worse elsewhere.

On the other hand why did DP have to get so angry/feisty - have the kids been asked time and time again re their rooms and they've done nothing about it?

Someone mentioned he should have helped them tidy their room - FGS - they not 6 and 7 - they should be perfectly capable of keeping them tidy.

What sort of language? I can't see anything other than shouting. And we don't know any history of them being asked to clear their bedrooms over the last month/6months and them not doing it. Sometimes shouting is the only answer.

I waited for the ‘Are you ‘peri?’ It’s the get out of jail free card! Sometimes people just lose their rag!

I really feel for you OP. A grown man shouting is fucking terrifying and it's not suprising that it triggered a big reaction in you when you could see that your kids were scared.

When everyone is calm do you think your husband would be receptive to talking about how he's going to manage his feelings more appropriately so that he doesn't end up shouting at kids? You can also acknowledge to him that you should have handled it better (I'm not being critical, I think you were under intense pressure and responded in a way many people would have, but he might be more amenable if you suggests it's something you can both work on together).

Yes to this.

You didn't 'let this happen'.

Your H made a decision and went ahead with it. He gave himself permission to behave badly.

So instead of HELPING his 12yo tidy her room (because that would mean him doing something) he assists the situation by yelling at her until she cries. But he's the victim because he's 'trying to do more' but you're setting him up to fail. Righto 🙄

Get rid of your husband. You don’t need to be medicated to make you more docile - you just need to ask your husband to leave the house for a month.

I agree with you. With the caveat that I think she could use some counselling too. For all we know this eggshell/conflict avoidance stuff has been going on for a while, and she suddenly snapped.
A lot of men are - whether they want to admit it or not - of the view that they are "in charge" especially in households where there are only females (wife and daughters). Daughters growing up and becoming more independent and pushing back against parental commands can be problematic for some fathers - they really dislike being talked back to anyway, but to have an older child do it/defend other children can be particularly problematic for men who are thin skinned and not intelligent enough (or are uncaring enough) to realise that it's their job as the adult in the room to deescalate heated situations, not to make them worse. Sadly this can happen a lot - parents end up behaving like children, and the children are forced to take on the role of adults - and then get told off for having done so.

I hope they get this figured out.

Is he a nice guy? Shouting at people when they are crying isn't a nice thing to do. And you reacted and tried to protect the children.

You sound, potentially, like someone who learned to deal with conflict by avoiding it, or by being agreeable. Which is not at all healthy. It's normal for someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home to want to avoid treading on eggshells but, sadly, that means you may have been pushing down your actual feelings/wishes just to keep up the "happy families" facade and avoid confrontation. Only you know whether that is actually the case. If your husband shouts at people who are crying and escalates arguments rather than trying to deescalate them then he isn't a "nice guy". You may just have learned to back off rather than poking the bear.

Sounds like you may benefit from some kind of counseling to work this stuff out and figure out why this is so upsetting for you and what may be causing these new confrontations. You may also benefit from understanding more about why you react to things the way you do, how you deal with confrontation, and your approach to boundary setting.

As for feeling bad about shouting: using a severe curse word and claiming the kids as your own (i.e. not "our" but "my") is troubling - it suggests some built up emotional hostility, and also that you thought they only way you could deal with the situation was to lash out - not try to deescalate it. One has to wonder what has happened in the past when your husband has told your children off in front of you for not doing what they are told?

It will be a good idea to figure these things out because your family dynamic will change significantly when your older child leaves home (presumably they are going to go off out into the world pretty soon for university or travel or to figure out what they want to do with their life?). You'll spend more time being a spouse and less time being a mother. And that will change the dynamics of home.

Ultimately you are doing to have to talk to your husband about this - and figure out why he was shouting even though people were crying, what his expectations are, what your expectations are, and how those match. If you need help communicating then counselling for both of you can be an option - it's something that even couples with great relationships do so they can make sure they are being good partners and also having their own needs acknowledged and met.

You don't sound crazy, if anyone was shouting at my dc while they cried I would shout at them to stop as a minimum!

Clearly this isn't healthy. I think there's a pattern for some men, when they're asked to do a fairer share of the housework, that they attempt to pass the responsibility on to their dc (generally girls) to do more, rather than doing more themselves.

You are right, shouting at people, particularly when there's a power imbalance, is bullying and totally unnecessary. Good for your eldest for standing up for her sister.

I wouldn't be happy living in this situation. Would your dh consider counselling to address some of his behaviour? He needs to change.

OP once you've had a chance to catch some breaths and are feeling better, I really think you should carefully re-read this one and see if it resonates.

Because it does sound to me like you're being punished for asking more of him, and it's so subtle you haven't even realised and are instead blaming yourself.

Don't let anyone convince you this is just hormonal; your reaction might be but the situation isn't. There are bigger issues that need sorting out.

I think your husband was wrong to keep shouting when everyone was visibly upset, and I know you wish you hadn't flipped. It's understandable though, and your kids are definitely old enough for a conversation about it - explain briefly how it triggered memories of your shouty upbringing and how much it upset you, how maybe your extreme reaction was driven by peri hormones, they need to buck up and tidy their rooms, and you all need a word as a family (especially husband) when everyone is calm and rested about division of household chores because feeling underappreciated and overworked eats at you

Try not to worry so much OP, sometimes a big blow out like this is what it takes to get you all communicating effectively, don't let the dust settle and pretend it didn't happen, use it as a tool to analyse why things went too far, try and all accept your own part in why it happened.

If he stepped in because he thought the kids weren't listening to you and was frustrated with them, then they need to be aware that they cannot just ignore your requests for help. Or, if you were telling them off, but really telling HIM off ("this house is a mess!" type thing), and he feels the effort he is making is completely unappreciated then you all need to communicate better about who is supposed to be doing what etc, and what the consequences are if it doesn't happen.

He's pushed you past your limit, but you may have inadvertently pushed him past his limit, and the kids are just trying to get away with doing the bare minimum, it was scary for the 12 year old and obviously upsetting for everyone, but sometimes they need to know that they can't just try and get away with doing the bare minimum and have to be nagged and nagged to contribute to a household, it's not fair on you at all and now they have seen what can happen when someone is pushed past their limit because of it, they have a part to play in this, so while your DH does seem to be the one who took it way too far, it was a cumulative effort by everyone that got it to that stage.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Hope you’re ok OP. Well done for having your kids’ backs.