I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

At seventeen no, she does not compliantly have to do exactly as she is told by her father.

At seventeen she can have her room exactly how she pleases. It is wholly unacceptable for him to then lose his temper and start lashing out at his children. They are allowed to have a view that is different from his! They are young adults not toddlers.

Typical minimising mainly by men to justify abuse and poor behaviour.

No. It is not okay for anyone to be screamed at, there are other ways to communicate expectations without losing your temper and shouting.

It does not matter if it’s a parent or not, no one should be reducing their children to such distress and then to continue berating them.

It is unacceptable bullying regardless of whether it is a mother or a father.

Of course she was crying, she didn't want to clean her room and we don't know how long this has been going on for or how many times she has been quietly told by her DF.
There's an increasing narrative on MN that dc are their mothers but not the man's (father). Rhetorics like, 'You saw a man shouting at your dc and defended them' as if the man shouting is not their parent. OP witnessed her husband shouting at his daughters. He has every right to raise his voice just like many mothers do everyday.

@OP infact was in the wrong here, accusing her DH of bullying in front of their DD's. That is now ingrained in their minds that their father has no right to raise his voice, forget about disciplining them.... all 'bullying' and abusive. What she should've done is pulled her DD aside, consoled her and then spoken firmly to her to do what her DF said. Then have a private word with her DH (without the DD's there).

Crying is not going to kill any one let alone a 12yr old. It's OP crying that i find oddly hysterical.

I imagine op will find it very hard to accept that her dh was abusive to her DD’s and she will retreat and fall back on ‘but he is a great dad’ because facing up to this will be so hard for her given her background. She might feel she is being catapulted back.

However the stark facts remain. No man should be shouting or screaming at young teenage girls. Full stop. No man should continue once warned to stop, and carry on anyway. He is not a good father if he is reducing them to this level of distesss. Your reaction was that of a loving parent op, be that you wish you had been more eloquent etc - the point remains he WAS bullying your children.

Be kind to yourself, OP. You did something you strongly disapprove of, but you're human and it sounds like you were provoked beyond breaking point. Just resolve not to do it again and have a calm chat with all family members about how to avoid this scenario in future. Use it to learn from and forgive yourself. Whether or not you want to forgive your husband, who sounds like he is being deliberately unpleasant because he's been asked to pull his weight at home, is another matter. If you don't stand firm, you'll end up going back to the time when he simply didn't do enough around the house and left it all to you. You need some strategies to deal with - and stop - his shouting and unpleasantness. Good luck!

I say this with love but your husband is not a nice guy if he shouts at your children until you're all crying. He sounds just like my dad and that absolutely sticks with you for life.

When the kid's rooms were their responsibility I found it best to leave them to it.

As long as they kept communal areas clear of their stuff & their was no food/drink, plates etc in their rooms I pretty much left them to it.

If he needs to do more around the house then that's what needs doing & what others do isn't really relevant.

'Shaking and crying' has already been mentioned upthread.

Him shouting at everyone and being unreasonable has nothing to do with your cycle.

You snapping because he's been shouting at you and your daughters has nothing to do with your cycle.

You being annoyed about the unequal distribution of housework for years has nothing to do with your cycle.

You said:

This only started a few months ago when I started getting angry about inequitable distribution of housework.

...so this clearly has nothing to do with your cycle; it's because you asked him to do his fair share of the domestic labour. It's likely that if you stopped asking him for help, and resigned yourself to being the household drudge, the shouting would stop.

The problem here is your husband and his failure to (a) do his fair share of domestic chores, and (b) control his emotions. You are not going insane; he is driving you insane with his unreasonable behaviour.

He feels I don't appreciate that he is trying to take on more.

So you need to appreciate him for "trying"?

But it seems he doesn't appreciate that you have been actually "doing" (all of it) for years. It appears that your husband is "nice" when you keep quiet and accept being the domestic servant; and he becomes less nice when you ask him to do his fair share.

You have a need: "I need others to do their share of the domestic work". But he's not actually doing any - instead he's flapping around making noise and fuss. He may be (subconsciously?) trying to stop you from asking for help by using this behaviour as a deterrent: you ask him to do his share = he kicks off; to avoid him kicking off, you stop asking him to do his share.

Thinking practically, combat the noise, fuss and chaos with structure. Write a list of all the jobs that need doing, and on what days, and then all of you sit down together to create a rota. Allocate jobs to each family member - the girls are old enough to hoover, load/empty the dishwasher, clean the bathroom or make a meal once a week (include tidying their rooms on the rota). Print the rota out, laminate it, and stick it on the fridge so tasks can be crossed off each day/week. Wipe clean at the end of the week and start again. Or use an app.

By giving your husband clear duties, there is no more "appreciate me for trying" - he will either have completed his tasks or not. By giving your daughters clearly defined duties, it will (hopefully) reduce the conflict created by trying to get them to clean their rooms. I'd also tie their chores to their pocket money.

Good luck OP. Remember - you are not going insane. It is understandable to be upset when you are being treated badly.

Quite often if we are feeling really strong emotions 90% of that can be unprocessed feelings from the past that we weren't taught at the time to voice.

Be really kind to yourself because you have this difficult past & maybe now is the time to work on this even though it is scary.

It might be wise to read the book 'If it hurts it isn't love' by Chuck Spezzano

Quoting this because THIS!!!! her husband was shouting uncontrollably at all of them including his own kids who were all crying because of it and he didn't stop. THAT is the problem, not OPs reaction which is understandable AND justified. If my DH has done this I would be in his face shoving him out of the room. And there would be very strong words about his behaviour afterwards.

FFS, a woman has snapped so it must be hormonal 🙄

Or maybe her DH was being an unreasonable dick?? Maybe HE'S hormonal?!

Sick of peri menopause being trotted out every time a woman has a fucking emotion

You reacted like you did because the situation triggered you.

You became overwhelmed really quickly because your central nervous system was flooded with stress (old memories) and in the moment you were back in your old life and helpless as a child, this is extremely common in survivors of abusive families. A touch point of raw pain and fear.

Ask yourself these questions when you are feeling calm and centred;

Would someone outside think it was okay if they saw your dh screaming in the way he was two crying girls? What do you think they would say?

What did it bring up for you seeing them crying?

Why didn’t he stop when you asked him to?

I ask this because it is normal for adult survivors that have been abused to accept and sometimes not even notice abusive behaviour that would be totally unacceptable to others.

I would not find it remotely acceptable for my dh to continue to scream and shout at my crying teens. I would also move to protect them, as all good parents would.

The issue here is that he did not stop op.

being quieter wins the war in these situations

What’s helping me now is trying to approach these overwhelming moments with more compassion—for myself and my family. No one handles chaos perfectly, especially with hormones wreaking havoc. It reminds me of how I try to keep things simple in other parts of life too—like using an Easy Zakat check tool during Ramadan to keep my spiritual obligations clear and stress-free. Sometimes we just need that little extra support, emotionally or practically.

But you said upthread you screamed at him a few months ago.

you both need marriage counselling. Screaming at each other is a horrendous way to treat anyone never mind your spouse. And a terrible example to set your children

@thenoodlemachine you were protecting your kids. There are different ways to parent and shouting at a crying child is really just bullying. It’s not on. I’d have done what you did. Have a calm chat with your husband and don’t put everyone’s shouting in the same bucket - they are not the same thing.

You are not deranged, you defended your children in the only sensible way at that precise moment. I doubt a gentle voice and an offer of a placatory cup of tea would have helped. Obviously there's something not right, I suggest you try to talk to each family member separately to try and get a handle on this. If, when talking to husband, he starts blustering or raising his voice, stand up, say "I am not discussing this if you don't stay calm", and if he doesn't, walk out of the room. Repeat until you do get a reasonable conversation.

And many children/teenagers are "performative criers".

I thought this. Screams of snapped and farted.

my opinion you’re both at fault, he shouted but so did you. Everyone shouts apologise and move on

All very dramatic eh. Bit of shouting then everyone starts crying, 🤔

P.S. don’t worry about the swearing. Your kids have heard worse.

So, as the mum, you reached a point where the mix of parenting 2 teens, work, household chores, the mental load and perimenopause became overwhelming, and you had a meltdown.

It’s OK, because you are human. Don’t let the pearl clutchers on here make you think their families are perfect, they aren’t.

What’s clear here is that something has to give. Some things have to change. It’s unsustainable for everyone’s wellbeing.

Sit down with everyone and tell them things have to change and everyone has to pitch in. So;

• Teens need to help out with chores. At those ages they can cook too.
• Everyone needs to do a Stacey Solomon clearout
• Also, any chance you can get a cleaner in for a bit?

It sounds like YOU need a break. One thing my DC have told me is that when I’m upset, everyone feels it. With that in mind you need to look after you, so you have the energy to look after them.

i think you should apologise and chat to your kids
you lost it

all sounds awful
i hope it ended quietly