Aibu to feel like an embarrassment to DH and my family?

If your parents had you on a diet at 9 years old and anorexia "runs in your family" please divest yourself from the "place of love" line. About your husband, I don't know.....does he know about your childhood? I mean if it was me and I felt my relationship was worth it, I'd be saying (nicely or less nicely) that your husband DOES NOT EVER discuss you with your father..... Not sure why you are still in contact with your parents but your choice. A bit of a reach but lots of women with your history end up choosing a partner who does the same things as their father did. Might this apply to you?

As far as your actual physical health goes, what you do is totally up to you. If you do decide to change your lifestyle, do it YOUR way, at YOUR pace when YOU are ready.

I totally agree! And I bet they look like fucking models, do they?!

Don’t tell me op; you were at home taking care of everything while these buff male specimens had the time for a leisurely stroll around the golf course judging the women in their lives negatively?

The arrogance of your dad is astounding! No wonder the rest of your family have eating disorders! How pathetic and sad that he rates a women’s appearance above all of their other characteristics.

What was his motivation in speaking to your dh about his concerns? Is he mischief-making? Trying to cause a rift between the two of you?

Your dh should have shut down your dad immediately! And then should not have repeated the conversation. What was he thinking?

You can cool relations with your dad but what are you going to do about your dh? How is your relationship with him usually?

Whatever you do op, hold your head up high. We all age, it’s not a crime, and as a pp said, every extra year is a privilege. You have a professional career, you are kind and generous and I am certain that you look absolutely lovely. If those in your life can’t appreciate your inner and outer characteristics then you can tell them where they can hop off frankly! Do not give them that power over you!

Your dad is an arse - assuming your DH's account of the conversation is correct - it may not be - it could be that your dad commented that you look exhausted and he's worried you don't have time to yourself to sleep/exercise etc etc - but of course you'll only know what was actually said if you speak to your father about it AND he tells the truth.

Your husband is definitely an arse for not shutting down that conversation. He shouldn't have told you what your father said - it was unkind of him to pass along that information and make you feel like you are being talked about behind your back.

As for the eyebrow comment: that one is a bit less certain: he may have been doing you a favor by letting you know that the re-growth was a bit visible and needed sorting out - I would have no issue with a loved one pointing out that something of a similar nature about my appearance was looking in need of assistance - indeed I almost rely on one of my sisters to remind me to get my eyebrows waxed (I don't really care about such things but appearances do matter, so I appreciate her taking the time to remind me that I may be starting to look like there is a small caterpillar between my eyes.

As for your appearance in general: it would be a lovely world if humans didn't give a damn about appearance and focused only on personality. But we don't live in that world, and appearances do matter. Most likely if your husband started growing tufts of hair out of his nose/ears and had Jeremy Clarkson eyebrows etc, and developed a pot belly/took no care over his appearance etc you'd be a bit put off. You need to be honest with yourself here (we can't do that for you because we don't know what you look like, or what you "normally" look like): would it be reasonable to say that you have put on weight/have lost interest in your appearance to the extent that people might notice and be concerned that you are, for example, depressed? You also mentioned that your DH said your father is concerned about alcohol drinking: do you drink booze? And if so how much? Only you know the answer to that - and a lot of people who consume too much aren't honest with themselves, let alone others about that consumption.

The great thing about cutting back/cutting out booze is that anyone who does so automatically removes hundreds of calories from their daily intake...and if one replaces that booze with water/a cup of herbal tea etc (i.e. don't drink fizzy drinks/cola/juice etc instead) you'll automatically have a calorie deficit compared to what you normally were consuming. You'll also be saving a lot of money. £8 worth of wine a night with only two days off a week = over £2k a year.

I would suggest you speak to your father to ask him what was actually said (only you know if he will tell the truth) and to tell him that you don't appreciate him talking about your appearance behind your back. As for your husband: if this is a pattern of behaviour I am sorry. Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and he found out that a member of his family was jgossiping about his appearance behind his back with you. If he won't make efforts to stop being spiteful/unkind then you need to make efforts to protect yourself and live a kinder life - and that may well include determining whether you really want to be living with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. But also be honest with yourself about your appearance and whether there are health-related issues that do actually need some attention.

At first I agreed that both are complete assholes but re- reading I think maybe your dad - although out of order in how he phrased it - might be genuinely worried about you.

Your DH's response is what gets me. Dad says I'm worried, is she OK, are you missing something. DH's response is to look at you and conclude, yeah, she needs her eyebrows done. Wtf. I think your DH is being the biggest dick here.

Know you are loved no matter what.

It sounds like your Dad & DH love to undermine you rather than actually love you.

This is abusive to your & your DD's - even though you protect them as much as possible.

Might be worth doing the freedom programme online just to confirm that how they make you question your value is not love.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Well if he said you are haggard, you are obviously doing too much. So maybe let some of the housework slide (washing his clothes???)and curl up on the sofa with a book, then when your prince of a man comments, you can say that as he was "concerned about me looking haggard, I thought I would have a bit of a rest".

I love how men seem to think their opinion is the most valid and important one of all. Next time they start with an opinion on how you look just start pointing out their flaws. My DH kept mentioning my weight, it's true I have put weight on since I was 23, I am a 47 year old peri-menopausal woman. I just started patting his rotund tummy, and said "yep haven't we both". After a few times of this retort he started dieting.

When DH step-father kept commenting on how old I was getting, 🙄 which was every single time I saw him. L I just say "aren't we so lucky to get older? Not everyone gets to be old" (My brother died at 45 in a car accident 5 years ago). That soon shuts them up. FWIW I don't actually care about getting old, and looking older. It really is a privilege denied to many, so I count every day as a blessing.

Honestly men and their fucking opinions can go do one.

I would take their comments and start looking after myself more. Spa day, walks, slow mornings, fuck the house work and chasing around after everyone.

💐

Apologies that I don't have time to RTFT, but I have read your posts, OP.

I would want to know from my father what he actually said, because this sounds like a DH problem. If it transpires that DH has invented/exaggerated your father's part in this it's time for some serious conversations.

You will have the final victory - all the excessively thin ones will soon look about 20 years older than their actual age while you will look at least 10 years younger! The older we get, the more flattering our 'fatness' becomes!

WHY would your DH feel to tell you that and also who the f does your dad think he is. What a tosser?

Id be asking your dad if his slong still works.....

Honestly your amazing and that body carried your babies and your worth of full respect.

Do you drink a lot op?

What is your relationship like with your daughters?

and please say your vile husband never offers them beauty advice?

Usual question from me with an addition. What does your husband bring to the party and why stay in contact with your family? Ps its impossible to be haggard AND bloated.

I thought it might have been framed completely differently and the husband just repeating the gist of it. So, more on the lines of ' mate you really need to take better care of my daughter. Poor love looks wrung out. Next week instead of playing golf why don't we take the kids off her hands and she can have a day to herself to do whatever she likes.'.

I think in your position, I'd ignore your dad. Not sure you can change his attitude.

But your husband you absolutely should confront anytime he does this. Tell him it's unkind and inappropriate. That your appearance is not up for discussion. And that IF being critical of each other is now on the table, that there are a list of things about him you could criticise, but haven't in the past because you love him despite his ageing face and body.

No, it’s reasonable for a spouse to express an opinion if it comes from a place of concern.

But to deliver the ‘shouldn’t you do your brows?’ comment when the OP was already reeling from the ‘haggard and bloated’ conversation - and why would anyone relay that phrase word-for-word in the first place other than out of spite? - is basically augmenting the kicking he’s already given her. He’s plainly telling her she needs to work a bit harder at looking decorative because she’s falling below standard. After she’s supported him through a serious illness and all the stress and anxiety that comes with that.

Unless he’s completely devoid of emotional intelligence he knows this will have hurt her, but has decided to dig in a bit more to drive the point home. He’s a cunt.

Honestly, these old men freely policing women’s looks and expecting them to be grateful for the heads up need to get in the fucking bin.

OP, in your shoes I’d explain very clearly how much his comments have hurt you and knocked your confidence, and that you don’t appreciate being picked over and discussed in such an unkind way. His response will tell you a lot.

Btw, we all think you’re gorgeous 💐

I agree. And I’d be more concerned about all those anorexic women, not about a strong and healthy wife/daughter who is coping admirably with a very stressful time.

Take time to look after yourself, OP. Maybe tell your husband that your father is right, you are getting exhausted and will gladly accept your husband taking more of the workload while you prioritise your own needs xx

From what op wrote about the women in her family having anorexia and the way her father and husband spoke about/to her I really don’t think their comments are coming from a place of concern. This is overt criticism. I hope op can find the courage to bin these two from her life.

That's horrible and unkind
Never mind rude
I'd be upset and when I'd thought about it angry !!

Thus demonstrating that OP has taken note of their comments and has adjusted herself accordingly. Place of love my arse - it’s nasty, controlling and deeply misogynistic.

If your dad used the word haggard, does he not equate that with exhausted? Surely then he thinks you need help and should be saying how do I help you not be exhausted?

Your dh, it depends, dh might say to me sometimes am I going to be getting my hair done soon, he means I look like I need a break/ pampering sesssion and knows I’d appreciate it because I can’t afford to do it more than once a year and he’s telling me to go take a break. I’d be similar with eg eyebrows

My family is the same. You can be anything, except fat. Don’t be fat. I hate visiting.

Agree.
You'd be happier without these charming men in your life. Think about it.

Did you dad really say any if these things? If, so did he mention it because he was worried? Has your DH decided to interpret it differently because perhaps you had an argument?
If none If these things, I would stand up for yourself and have it out with your father and ask DH why he felt the need to blab and make you feel horrible about yourself. Perhaps point out their flaws .....especially the ones with their characters!

your DF seems like he’s concerned about you rather than having a dig?

I don’t understand the assumption of bad faith? Usually if there’s a change or down turn in someone’s appearance consistently it might be something bigger.

I assume your DF asked your DH because he wa worried and didn’t want to offend. I do think your partner should be able to talk to you about your appearance. They’re your partner?? Would you no one tell
their DH if they looked particularly haggard or scruffy?

obviously how we feel about ourself and the constant judgement women are under plays a part. But should DH never say anything ever?