Aibu to feel like an embarrassment to DH and my family?

Time to take some time for yourself @Amelia1909if they’re so concerned maybe they can all start taking some of the load of you so you can do things you’d like to do to destress and if that’s a glass of wine in the garden that’s fine. If it’s reading a book in peace, going for a walk, meeting up with friends that’s also fine. Maybe suggest that would help to them!

If it was coming from a place of love and care, it wouldn't have been worded like that. When I was having a difficult time, my dad invited me round, very kindly said he was here to tall in I needed to as he'd noticed I wasn't my usual self. I basically broke down to him and told him everything. He was so supportive and now he regularly checks in and our relationship is stronger than ever.

What's happened here is just nasty. Your husband shouldn't have repeated it and should have told your dad what an inappropriate comment it was to make.

I'm so sorry you've been on the receiving end of such comments. Easier said than done but try not to take it on board, just let it wash over you. When people put others down in this way, it is usually because they feel bad about themselves.

And yes, fuck the father/son in law golf!

From your update that part of having ‘a lot on your plate’ relates to your mum and dad, and about how they parented and still treat you, I think you’d benefit from resources on the Stately Homes thread. And reducing contact! They’re complicated at best.

that’s still shit of your H. he doesn’t fully ‘have your back’. So you need to make yourself and look after no 1.

Agree with @godmum56 that you should ask your H not to discuss you with anyone in your family. The family is messed up and no good comes of DH being embroiled/a flying monkey. If he can’t/won’t agree to that, further evidence of a DH problem.

The booze won’t help.

Golfers are a definite type aren’t they?

I’m so sorry his response was so shit, @Amelia1909. He’s not telling you these things from a place of concern, he’s telling you to buck your ideas up, and he can get to fuck with that. Or else he’s so thick that he thinks bluntly relaying hurtful remarks is just being helpful. Your parents are obviously concerned for your wellbeing, but worries about ‘fatness’ from eating-disordered, body-shaming relatives need to be taken with a pinch of salt.

As so many people on this thread have said, you need to think about whether you’re happy with how you look and feel. And if the answer is no, then you need to start spending more time and money on yourself, entirely for your own benefit, and a hell of a lot less pandering to dicks who make you feel ‘less than’.

Like I said, your husband is a prick.

I wouldn't be putting myself out at all for a man like that.
But then I'm a post menopausal bitch, who doesn't take prisoners!

Cut out anything you do for him that makes his life easier.

Use that time to start looking after yourself.

You can’t win, it’s a mortal sin of vanity and self absorption in mine to be slim. I’ve lost a lot of weight recently due to trauma and stress, I never even look at myself, I had no idea how thin I was, I hardly ever leave the house. The horrible judgment from my dad, who never ever comment on the fact my sister is morbidly obese. Vanity is apparently the greatest sin, I’m in pain, not vain. It’s very strange sometimes being a woman

Drop the rope & start looking out for you.
Tell your parents you’ve taken on board their comments & will be taking some time for yourself as you agree you take on too much “so please don’t ask me to do/help with xyz anymore as I will have to refuse” Do not backdown & be much less available for them.

Tell your husband the same but add on “which of these weekends would be best for you to have sole care of the kids as I’m booking a spa weekend for me to relax & reset” and do it!
As others have said, some therapy for yourself.
Replace at least a couple of those wine glasses with a posh sparkling water (or your choice of non alcoholic beverage) still sitting relaxing, but with less wine.
Good luck.

Op, I know you say you drink too much at the weekends.

Be honest, this is anonymous, is it problem drinking?

Im not saying anyone wants their family to die but life when that toxic weight endless fixation stops does get easier. X

You poor pet.
Your reaction is not wrong.
How appalling....but is it surprising?

Toxic parents.
On a diet from 9?
Just how fxxked up is that?
I mean really fxxked up.

You need to step back and start looking after yourself.

Your husband is a tactless prick to have repeated that to you.
Do not take it as helpful.
It sure wasn't.

My friends husband made a remark about her weight, a bit tactless and boy has he regretted it since.
He was no skinny himself🙄🤨.
She has eaten in the work canteen since.
She only cooked really for him at night.
She took it as permission to think of herself and to stop cooking any evening meals.

3 years on she has shifted two stone, looks amazing and more importantly feels it.
She has joined a few things in her now free evenings.

Every time she got a compliment about how well she looked she thank the giver and said "yes dave told me I put on too much weight so I decided to do something about it. I no longer cook and it has worked a treat." Dave gets the side eye from every woman and is mortified. After about the 6th time he begged her to stop saying it.

She still doesn't cook.
He now cooks as she will not bend on this.
It helps that her two children are gone from home.

Of course you are very upset.
I would make this work for you by turning it around and doing a lot less for those around you.
Focus on your daughters and screw the rest of them.

Consider a bit of therapy for that toxic childhood.
You ARE doing too much, so try and change that.
Keep posting.
We are here for you.

My dad is my favourite person in the world but he did tell me that I needed to take better care of myself when I was morbidly obese. The difference is the way he framed it and the words used, he said I owed it to myself to find time for myself and to take care of me. 3.5 stone down with another 2 to go and he joins me on my runs when I visit. He's complimentary and when my mum ( blunt as ever) said I looked much better now he responded that I'm beautiful at any weight but I'm finally carving out time for myself and making my health a priority which was good as a parent to see.

I didn't share this to hurt you but just illustrate that parents can share concerns about sensitive topics like weight without being offensive.Neither your husband or father sound pleasant. You deserve a whole lot better.

It's hard when weight issues go deep but I'd stand firm in telling both men to wise up to how words can hurt and back off. I'd also tell your dh it's about time he took on more of the mental load as its high time you claimed some time out to put yourself first. It's easy enough to say your eyebrows need tinting but if you are running around silly exactly when are you meant to do it? You deserve to be able to take time for yourself, whether that is to focus on a new hobby, meeting new people, exercising etc. is down to you.

Putting a nine year old on a diet is abusive unless recommended by a medical professional which I'm sure wasn't the case for you.

Your birth family and your husband seem to judge you based on your personal appearance rather than the fact that you are a kind and supportive daughter, wife and mother. Their thinking is fucked up. There is nothing wrong with you. None of this comes from a 'good place'. Your parents and husband are the problem, not you.

Please talk honestly to dh hire this has made you feel. Hopefully he can reassure you.

Assuming your Dad did say this to your husband, why did your husband feel the need to tell you? Is your Dad normally insensitive and tends to say inappropriate things? Is this something you could imagine your Dad saying? If not, are you absolutely sure the conversation went the way your husband describes it?!! Could your Dad for example said to your husband 'X looks tired, is she OK' and your husband has used that, to tell you what he actually thinks, dressed up as a comment from your Dad? Neither scenario is great, because it doesn't paint both in a very good light. It just seems odd to me, that your husband would repeat this to you, because it's not particularly nice. Most husband's would have kept quiet and not told their wife, what their FIL had said, in these circumstances.

Oh god OP you have so much sympathy from me. A memory that will forever be burned into my mind was when my mam looked at me with utter contempt and told me, a lanky, gangly ten year old with probably 5% body fat at the time, that I'd gained weight. That sort of thing stays with you like a brand. It's taken me decades to get over the food issues she unwittingly gave me.

I'm so sorry your family and husband have been so cruel to you.

It sounds like you married somebody like your dad. Tell them both to fuck off.

Both incredibly out of line.

But I’d think of it as perhaps doing you a favour. Clearly little gratitude is being demonstrated or affection exhibited to you and therefore you’d do best to prioritise your own wellbeing. Obviously as they have time to play golf, they - or at least your husband - has time to do childcare, housework etc or any of the myriad tasks that make you ‘haggard’. ( bloody cheek).

To be charitable, perhaps the root of it , or at least an element of it, is concern that you’re not looking after yourself and making unhealthy choices because you’ve been prioritising your family over yourself or are nut happy. Good reason not to do that going forward even if that’s not what they intended. In my experience , everyone looks best when they’re happy. Take the time for yourself.

Maybe there’s also an element of what I now see in men all the time now I’m middle aged:

1. the unthinking acceptance or perhaps unquestioning entitlement men have to women’s support and labour with no regard being paid to the cost of that for the women
2. the belief that a woman’s value is in her attractiveness to men and that it’s almost a moral failing for that to decline.

I remember years ago listening with incredulity to an Australian radio presenter saying that women over 35 should refrain from wearing a bikini on holiday as ‘no one wanted to see that’. He couldn’t conceive of possibility that women had same reason and right to dress as they pleased as men - they existed only for his viewing pleasure or to bring him stuff. He of course resembled a troll.

Oh I'm so sorry, this is awful. My Dad is the same - I was over the moon last time he stayed that he didn't mention my weight for the first 16 whole hours! (I had a baby 5 months before and am only about a stone overweight). You can't change your parents but the same isn't true of spouses/partners. If my partner joined in, he'd be out of the door faster than he'd finished the sentence. He has his (considerable) faults but I'd drawn the line at that. I've never said 'LTB' before, but this is absolutely not OK. The thing is, it won't change if that way of thinking is ingrained in him. It's not something a frank conversation or therapy will help. I'm so sorry that the people that are supposed to love you the most are making you feel like this - it's not fair

A line to use in response might be:

'Good job I'm not interested in you/ their opinion.'

It sounds like you have a long history of abuse going back to your childhood & it's time to see that it was never your fault.

I would rip them to shreds.

Oh sod the both of them.

I'm sorry OP, I know how it feels when your family is so critical of your appearance. My dad made constant jokes about my weight as a kid and I wound up with an ED which I still struggle with now in my late 20s.

You'd expect better from your husband but we accept the love we think we deserve. I bet he doesn't do anything with HIS eyebrows, the arse.

🤗 and 💐

Edit: fwiw I also have blonde eyebrows (and lashes) and I stopped getting them tinted months ago. If you want them done you get them done for but seriously screw him for making you feel insecure for your natural appearance! Grr.