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Original poster

To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

610 replies

Liesmorelies · 31/05/2025 20:38

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

OP posts:
2025babyfever · 01/06/2025 20:35

Someone asked if I was pregnant the other day.
ive gained a bit of weight and also been ttc for 2 years but im not pregnant. So it was a sore point.
i laughed it off then went home for a cry!

onthewineagain · 01/06/2025 20:29

Catinthereallysmallhat · 31/05/2025 21:03

She wasn’t being snide. She was making conversation. You’re being sensitive here. Very common to ask a woman in her late 40s if she’s a grandmother. The majority of women in my family all became grandmothers in their 40s. It’s not a big deal.

thats really unusual in my circles.

People tend to become parents in their 30s and grandparents in their 60s.

so if its not the norm in OP’s workplace, which she says its not, I can see why she would be offended.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/06/2025 20:25

Never met anyone who was a grandma at 49 apart from a gardener in the village. Her daughter who isn't yet 30 has 4 DC from 3 different fathers , make of that what you will
Well, that statement is dripping in disdain for the Gardener and his Daughter.
At least have the balls to own it.
We all know what you mean, make of that what you will. 😉

K0OLA1D · 01/06/2025 20:23

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:21

Love that you care so much that you've all gone looking for quotes, jeez. Fact remains that I didn't say 'only' which was the point I was making

Yeah. Not saying only made that statement so much better.

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 20:22

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:21

Love that you care so much that you've all gone looking for quotes, jeez. Fact remains that I didn't say 'only' which was the point I was making

Never met … apart from or Only - look pretty similar to me.

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:21

Love that you care so much that you've all gone looking for quotes, jeez. Fact remains that I didn't say 'only' which was the point I was making

MiracleCures · 01/06/2025 20:19

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:10

Massive, saying 'only' implies the snobbery to which you imply, saying a gardener is just presenting a fact.

Show quote history

This was your way of "just presenting a fact? "

Definitely depends on your demographic.
Never met anyone who was a grandma at 49 apart from a gardener in the village. Her daughter who isn't yet 30 has 4 DC from 3 different fathers , make of that what you will ...

K0OLA1D · 01/06/2025 20:19

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 20:16

In your opinion. You said

Never met anyone who was a grandma at 49 apart from a gardener in the village. Her daughter who isn't yet 30 has 4 DC from 3 different fathers , make of that what you will ...

It’s hardly a neutral statement of fact, is it? Raging snobbery and judgement.

I love how they're trying to frame that as not judgemental/snobby 🙈🤣 Jesus christ.

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 20:16

In your opinion. You said

Never met anyone who was a grandma at 49 apart from a gardener in the village. Her daughter who isn't yet 30 has 4 DC from 3 different fathers , make of that what you will ...

It’s hardly a neutral statement of fact, is it? Raging snobbery and judgement.

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:10

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 20:03

What’s the difference?

Show quote history

Massive, saying 'only' implies the snobbery to which you imply, saying a gardener is just presenting a fact.

K0OLA1D · 01/06/2025 20:04

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:01

Agree, I'm just seeing a lot of posters with massive chips on their shoulders tbh

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I have no chip on my shoulders. I have no room for any chips there. I just hate the judgments received on here about people who haven't been to uni and dared have kids in their 20s still seeing themselves as pretty 'accomplished'

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 20:03

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:02

I didn't say 'only' the gardener, I said a gardener in the village, see how you've twisted it...

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What’s the difference?

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:02

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 20:01

The class comments were provoked by the raging snobs who belittled younger parents. “Rough estate” “Only the gardener”, “No ambition”, etc.

I didn't say 'only' the gardener, I said a gardener in the village, see how you've twisted it...

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 20:01

The class comments were provoked by the raging snobs who belittled younger parents. “Rough estate” “Only the gardener”, “No ambition”, etc.

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 20:01

Liesmorelies · 01/06/2025 19:57

Yes, I'm sure I will get more such comments in the future. Over the years I have often found mumsnet very helpful in terms of putting such moments into perspective and helping me see things from a different angle. This thread not so much as it's all been 'oh, but my grandmother was 36 when she became a grandmother, ' or people helpfully pointing out you can be a grandmother at 49. And then there were all the class comments....

Agree, I'm just seeing a lot of posters with massive chips on their shoulders tbh

Original poster
Liesmorelies · 01/06/2025 19:57

Yes, I'm sure I will get more such comments in the future. Over the years I have often found mumsnet very helpful in terms of putting such moments into perspective and helping me see things from a different angle. This thread not so much as it's all been 'oh, but my grandmother was 36 when she became a grandmother, ' or people helpfully pointing out you can be a grandmother at 49. And then there were all the class comments....

OP posts:
Catinthereallysmallhat · 01/06/2025 19:47

Liesmorelies · 01/06/2025 19:36

Oh my god, this thread is one big gotcha. You're either vain and ridiculous and think you look 25, or a crashing snob. And it's perfectly normal to go around asking people over the age of 40 (as far as you can tell) if they are grandparents. Everyone does it to make small talk and the only people who could possibly object are arseholes who fall into one of the categories above.

It couldn't possibly be something more nuanced about being a grandparent being quite a significant life stage and it being a bit of a jolt to hear someone for the first time apply it to you. No, you're a butthurt haggard old snob and that's all there is to it!

But you’re 49, so nearly 50. At 50 you can look young or really old and yes you can be a grandparent, this thread proves it. I suggest you move on as you’re probably going to get more comments like this as you age.

OkPedro · 01/06/2025 19:46

I went to school with a girl who had her daughter at 14, she was a granny at 30! Her grandchild is now 14. Imagine if her grandchild has a child soon she'll be a great granny before she's 50 😭

But no op I think you are over thinking this situation sounds like she was just making small talk unless she has form for snide comments?

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 19:44

Liesmorelies · 01/06/2025 19:36

Oh my god, this thread is one big gotcha. You're either vain and ridiculous and think you look 25, or a crashing snob. And it's perfectly normal to go around asking people over the age of 40 (as far as you can tell) if they are grandparents. Everyone does it to make small talk and the only people who could possibly object are arseholes who fall into one of the categories above.

It couldn't possibly be something more nuanced about being a grandparent being quite a significant life stage and it being a bit of a jolt to hear someone for the first time apply it to you. No, you're a butthurt haggard old snob and that's all there is to it!

I'm totally with you OP, Christ it makes me wish I'd never bothered to join in the chat sometimes.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 01/06/2025 19:43

I think some of the posters on this thread are proving that when you're in a hole, you need to stop digging. 😬

K0OLA1D · 01/06/2025 19:39

Liesmorelies · 01/06/2025 19:36

Oh my god, this thread is one big gotcha. You're either vain and ridiculous and think you look 25, or a crashing snob. And it's perfectly normal to go around asking people over the age of 40 (as far as you can tell) if they are grandparents. Everyone does it to make small talk and the only people who could possibly object are arseholes who fall into one of the categories above.

It couldn't possibly be something more nuanced about being a grandparent being quite a significant life stage and it being a bit of a jolt to hear someone for the first time apply it to you. No, you're a butthurt haggard old snob and that's all there is to it!

But its absolutely ridiculous to be so offended at something which is so possible.

MiracleCures · 01/06/2025 19:36

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 19:28

No no no that's not what I'm saying! I'd think they thought I look older than I was!

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But you've just said you think you look late 50s? That's hardly 2x teen mum territory is it?

(Although to be honest I know some amazing women who were teenage mums, so I don't see the shame there either)

Original poster
Liesmorelies · 01/06/2025 19:36

Oh my god, this thread is one big gotcha. You're either vain and ridiculous and think you look 25, or a crashing snob. And it's perfectly normal to go around asking people over the age of 40 (as far as you can tell) if they are grandparents. Everyone does it to make small talk and the only people who could possibly object are arseholes who fall into one of the categories above.

It couldn't possibly be something more nuanced about being a grandparent being quite a significant life stage and it being a bit of a jolt to hear someone for the first time apply it to you. No, you're a butthurt haggard old snob and that's all there is to it!

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 19:32

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 19:28

No no no that's not what I'm saying! I'd think they thought I look older than I was!

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Why would you think that? Late 50s is easily old enough to have grandchildren. My mum was 56.

K0OLA1D · 01/06/2025 19:29

Steamirin · 01/06/2025 19:13

That's not the case at all. I'm in my late 50's and absolutely know I look it, no way do I delude myself that I look 15 years younger!

I'd still be upset if someone asked me if I was a grandmother because it's just not the norm at all where I live! Not sure why people find it so hard to understand general demographics.

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Its more because you're a bit snobby then yes? Thinking having kids young is somehow something to be offended about if its thought about you? Gotcha!