To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

Plus of course there will be the grandparents who are actually in their 60s but look like they are in their 50s... The op doesn't have a monopoly on looking "youthful". It's generally pretty hard to place someone's age. And age isn't just judged on skin and hair etc but about how we dress/act etc

I did think this too @OP, young people look at older people and just see a generic older person 😂 when I was 20 I thought 30 was old. So she probably does just see it that way. And she may grow older and be offended at such a question herself! Who knows. I don’t find these threads very helpful though, people just seem to get really irate for no reason. It can’t be a discussion it has to be very accusatory and gets nasty very quickly for no good reason.

The whole first chunk of this thread was people saying that younger (under 30s) mums were reckless/socially deviant/unambitious/small minded/uneducated. It would undoubtedly have had a different tone if it had been older mums saying "I wish I could have started a family that young but it wasn't an option". Instead it was implied or outright stated that a younger grandmother was somehow inferior or that it would be "offensive" for someone to think they could be a 50 year old grandmother.

But if people are going to cheerily insult younger mums in every direction then quite rightly people are going to explain that none of those (quite nasty) stereotypes are correct.

For those talking about the average age being 49, that is worked out by some being very young and some being older and then it is the middle number, it doesn’t mean it’s the most common age… I had an uncle who had kids at 16 and his kids had kids at 16 so he was 32 as a grandparent. Average that to my granny’s age (other granny) of late 60s being the first time grandparent and you’ll get something in the middle which is around 49.

Well you’ve posted this on a public forum so people are going to give their opinion and not everyone’s is going to be agreeing with you. Did you honestly think that everyone was going to say yes you are right? Saying no one you know is a grandmother at 49 maybe true for you but it isn’t the norm for all people which is you got the comments that you did. Would maybe think about how you word things in future if you’re going to be on MN.

@K0OLA1D fair enough, but that isn’t my experience of the experience of any of my peers! And I’ve worked in primary schools for years too. It doesnt mean they are.

My grandparents were also at least mid 60s when I was born in the 80s. So my mum was in her 40s picking me up from school.

So I’m not saying you’re wrong but you aren’t completely right. It’s different for everyone! And thats okay. I would be offended by the question and you wouldn’t; that’s okay too. Doesn’t mean you’re right or I am wrong. It’s a difference of experience and opinion. That’s what life is all about.

Its not though. As already mentioned on this thread. If you Google it the average age is 49. Some older some younger.

Apart from 2 people I work with who don't yet have kids at 33 and 34, every friend or colleague, uni education or not has had kids in their 20s making their parents GPS in their late 40s early 50s. Me and DP included. My next door neighbours and next door but one neighbours included.

Exactly. The late 40s early 50 year olds picking kids up at my dcs primary are 9 times out of 10 gps

I think that depends where you live @LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway. If you live in London, people often think you’re the babysitter or nanny if you have kids in your 20s (where I live at least). I got married at 30 and the most common question we got asked was why we were getting married so young. Both by younger people and people much older than us! We had people in their 50s and 60s telling us we had our whole lives ahead of us. Whereas at home where I am from, people assumed I was 24 because I hadn’t bought a property (I was 36). It’s location dependent in a way. Now my friends who are all late 30s with newborns do all live where I am from. And my sisters friends are all either child free or are having babies at 40 for the first time.

I only ask those in their 70s or 80s if I see evidence of grandchildren, ie seeing them in a care home and multiple pictures of young children around. Generally I ask more generic questions like do you have any family, as I work in the NHS and have encountered it all - offending people, making people tearful etc with these topics, it’s just being sensitive. Of course you might offend someone sometimes, but you should really be striving not to offend people I think. Within reason of course.

This thread is a cesspool of negativity. It’s statistically unusual to be a grandmother at 49 but that doesn’t matter. She was clearly suggesting that you look old. It was a completely unnecessary comment. There’s no need to ever ask a person about children or grandchildren as it will clearly be a sensitive topic for many people. I would not appreciate the question being asked at any age.

For those sticking the boot into older mothers, please gain some sensitivity. There are often reasons such as financial, a lack of suitable partner, career stability or medical. It’s not selfish and acting gleeful about later fertility problems is utterly heartless. Finding a life partner younger and marrying is luck. It’s not a person who tried harder.

Why offended?

@Iggilypiggily

both my dc had graduated university by the time I was 49! I’m free most my friends have adult children and we are all early 50’s. Having dc so late is more unusual outside London

I'm 51 and would not be happy to be asked if I am a grandma!!! No one I know at my age is a grandmother. Perhaps we move in different circles. I'm with you, OP I would feel offended.

It’s called making conversation, I’ve got friends a similar age to you who are grandparents and others have nursery aged kids !

It also doesn’t matter if it is possible to have grandkids at that age, it’s still rude. People asking me when I’m going to have children is also rude. People asking my mum why I don’t have children is rude. People should just mind their own. If you’re not mentioning grandkids then clearly you either don’t have a relationship with them or you just don’t have them. People will share the information they want you to know. If they haven’t shared it, they either don’t want you to know or there is nothing to share. If you what to make conversation, ask them what their hobbies or are what they are doing at the weekend or if they have any holidays planned or if they have any good shows they can recommend at the minute. Making conversation should be surface level and let it get deeper and more personal once the person invites that by sharing. I think that’s just being polite.

But @Iggilypiggily you could 'offend' someone in their 70s or 80s too by asking them if they have grandchildren. What if they don't and they really want them? What if they never had chldren? Why do you think it's OK to ask someone in their 70s if they have grandchildren, but not someone in their 50s? If you're worried about offending people, then why ask ANYone anything? Tell ya what, let's all just not speak to anyone or ask anyone anything, lest we offend! 🙄

Also, re; your comment about how most people you know aged 49 have primary school age children, if I saw a woman of around 50 walking a child to primary school, I would assume she was the grandmother. Most people would. Genuinely.

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Exactly
In fact I don't think it's ever easy.
I work with someone and I assumed she was nearing retirement and then she mentioned something which made me realise she had just turned 50. I expect she actually doesn't look at all old for her age I am just not that good at judging (and also she is very stylish but definitely dresses in a way that makes her as an older generation - stilettos etc for work).

I am 37 and childless and my sister is 41 and childless. I would never ask this as it’s rude - I would only ask someone if I saw pics of kids around their house / on their phone or if I knew they were in their late 70s or 80s and up. At 49 most people I know are parents of primary school children. I have one person in my life who has a child starting secondary school - she is the only person I know who could be a grandmother at 49 and her daughter would have kids at a young age. All my friends had their kids in their late 30s. I think it’s highly unusual at your age regardless of what some people are saying on here. You are not being unreasonable, it’s rude and you should be offended.

I find it harder and harder to gauge people’s ages as I get older. If I get it right within a decade I’m winning these days.

Also, can noone remember being younger? When I was in my twenties and early thirties I would have struggled to distinguish between late 40s and late 50s/early 60s. People (even the ones who felt "youthful") just looked generically middle aged to me. That's not an insult, because I don't see aging as a negative. It's a privilege to grow old.

Well yeah, so someone in their early to mid 50s is offended that someone thinks they could be a grandparent, because no-one usually becomes a grandparent until maybe 5-6 years later usually!

Make it make sense!

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Why offended? Because it implies she looks 60?
Or because it implies someone assumed she might have become a grandparent at a marginally younger age?

Yep this. ^ As I said, someone need to take the shovel off these posters. (When you're in a hole etc...) 😬

Well said Blossom. 👏