To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

But it’s a pretty useless case to cite if it’s extremely rare.

Well I'm mid 60s, and have several dearly-loved gc.
Do I want to talk about them to others? No.
I've had people who start conversation that way - obviously they think I'm so boring that's all they can think of.

A guy I went to school with was a grandfather at 34. That is very unusual but being a grandparent at 49 is not.

49 is not that young to be a grandparent. My mum and her sisters were all gp’s at that age. My younger sister had her dc at 20, so my mum became a gp at 48. If I’d had my dc at my sisters age my mum would’ve been 42. We’re a ‘mc’ family. My dsis was in her last year of a degree. She’s done very well and at 38 she’s waving my niece off to uni this year with predicted 3 A stars at a’level. My dsis life is fab. Her and her dh own two homes, good jobs, numerous holidays and a she’ll be celebrating her 40th with a 20 year old. She could be a granny in the next few years. I’m jealous!

I made my parents grandparents at 42.

People get so offended over basic small talk questions.

The. OP does have children that are biologically old enough to have babies

I meant to quote you @Iggilypiggily in my last post . Excellent and really measured response.

No one said it wasn't rare did they? But it was simply the case

This is an excellent post. Really well written and spot. I often wonder what some people are like in RL when you see endless behaviour like this on the thread.
I am speaking as someone who had dcs late 20’s /early 30’s and is still relatively young also so no “ nerve touched “.
I’m also a teacher for many years and have never mistaken older parents as grandparents ever.. I know who the parents are and I wouldn’t dream of asking a person in their 40’s if they had grandchildren.
I literally have never come across anyone who’d ask this question to someone without asking about their actual children first. It absolutely does seem snide/ pointed comment @Liesmorelies as you have teenagers , does she think your 16 year old has children ? If I were you I’d bite back a bit , could argue being in her 30’s with tiny kids isn’t particularly young either, she’ll still have young kids going into her 40’s 🤷‍♀️
Honestly @Liesmorelies this is not a normal question to ask a person your age.

Hardly ageist saying that a nearly 50 year old doesn’t look 30. It’s fact. The real issue is that you think you don’t look as young as you think, due to the comment you got. Move on. Who cares. It’s one person’s opinion.

No. The judgmental 'unambitious' shite is what you're wrong about. And that is what I was saying. But you already knew that.

That would be extremely rare.

I’m a year younger than you and a fair few of my former school mates are already grannies.

@Catinthereallysmallhat again you make no sense. You said I should interact with people who agree with me two posts ago instead of those who disagree. I said I did. Then you said I should interact with those who disagree… I had already said I did interact with both. You being one of the ones I disagree with. If you read your comments back you contradict yourself repeatedly.

I skimmed the class comments but didn’t engage with them at the start which I alluded to ages ago and which is where you started replying to me repeatedly and arguing for young mums when I was never criticising young mums and haven’t mentioned class at all, so it isn’t relevant to any direct interaction with me. You brought it up when you said you weren’t surrounded by people having kids in their twenties as if to prove that you aren’t working class or uneducated - I never mentioned either of those things or assumed either of those things about you. And there was no point that I said I did. I assumed that you were a young mum because you were so aggressively annoyed and seemingly offended at the ageist comments from the beginning which I was not involved with or ever referring to.

Every point I have made you keep throwing out inaccurate or out dated statistics and even went as far as linking a previous thread where people state what they consider to be ‘too old to be a mum’ or something as part of your evidence that more mums are young - all opinion based. And given your responses to people on this thread I can highly suspect you didn’t read that previous thread with any accuracy at all and so quoting it is really not valid. But it is an opinion thread at the end of the day. And obviously only those who are interested in the topic or feel strongly about it will comment. So it’s not representative of the whole population. Same as your points - your opinion. And my points - my opinion. You mention research but no evidence base and no comparative studies. You also don’t seem to look for any research to support any opposing view points - that is biased. I could easily find evidence base to support my view and perspective, but that’s useless if you aren’t willing to be considering the opposing view also. Also, just to add, geriatric pregnancy is longer recognised in the NHS where you claim you work, which you should know because it’s a pretty hot topic in the NHS along with pronouns and equality language.

You have been arguing with me that I am an old mum and that I should expect that I could be viewed as a grandmother by most at the school gates as I will be outnumbered by young mums and that’s just fact and that OP is wrong and over sensitive and that everything I have said is wrong. This is also why I rationally assumed that you were a younger first time mum as you view my age as older maternally according to your responses. But then you turn around and start referencing all your friends in their late thirties who are new mums and can’t get back into work? Make it make sense.

You are also largely interacting with those who disagree with you - so I think you are describing yourself in your most recent post. You are arguing with anyone who states anything of an opposing view point and only once have you taken on the perspective of some one with an opposing view point and it was half hearted and unrelated to the topic. I have validated your view and opposing views of others repeatedly but still offered my own experience - I’ve never said I was right I’ve only ever offered a different opinion. You have never done that with anyone. You just keep harping on about your own and being cantankerous. Nothing you have said has furthered the discussion at all, whereas other people who have a different view point have. I have also, if you actually read my posts, agreed with some things and disagreed with others who have a different opinion to me. I also agree with the OP but offered a different perspective.

Your read as antagonistic and contrary and accusatory which makes it seem quite like you are the person who just enjoys arguing for the sake of it. So I hope I’ve given you a little kick tonight and it has brightened up your Monday morning. It also isn’t my responsibility to understand your posts if the sentences don’t make sense, unfortunately. You can’t write a letter to a patient and then tell them it’s their responsibility to figure it out if the sentences aren’t in order or intelligible, and the same applies here.

Also your most recent response to OonaStubs; yes it can be very rude. If you know anyone who has had miscarriages or struggles with infertility you should know that. It’s being considerate. I hope that’s not something you have ever had to experience but it is kind to be considerate of others who have who might cry at the mention of the question and be embarrassed. I don’t find it rude to ask but I know people who have been broken by being repeatedly asked it and so it’s a question I avoid. People tend to mention their kids if they have them and that’s a good time to start talking about them. Again, working in the NHS I thought you might have had to develop some compassion in use of language?? Particularly in the workplace where OPs original question was asked.

You can’t argue with irrational, and so I won’t any longer. And while you having a different perspective to me isn’t irrational, your way of expressing it does seem to be. It’s reactive and defensive and seems meant to provoke rather to be engaging. I’ll leave you to continue picking your way through the thread and disagreeing. But I have actually learned something from engaging in the forum and talking to some of those who disagree with me and will take away some things, because that’s why I’m here. To be supportive to people and to learn from other people. I can’t see that you will take away anything because you’re so fiercely right to start off with. Which is a shame. Because we can all learn and do better, you included.

So asking anyone if they have kids is rude then?

You said I had grew up surrounded by people in their 20s having children, that was your assumption of me and that was not the case, hence my reply.

If you read earlier threads you would have seen the classist comments made by those old mothers about the only women that have children young are from council estates and are not educated, so merely stating from my personal experience this is not the case.So indeed relevant.

My points are very clear so it’s up to you to understand them. You may have interacted with other posters that have indeed agreed with you but again you’re only discussing your agreed view point… not a different perspective. You said you think other people should share different perspectives but you’re not accepting that other people do have a different perspective. Clearly you don’t understand that or don’t what to. If you’re not willing to understand that others have different view point from you then it’s pretty counterproductive to quote people on threads 👀

But I’m on about women who are still fairly young in their 30/40s, returning to their job sector not middle aged men who have been laid off and choosing a whole new career. Both two very different things, however I don’t disagree with you about the comment about Middle Aged men or hiring older people.

This is a fair point too, as my dad struggled with being made redundant once he got into his early 40s and was often replaced by junior staff. And he was very good at his role - he did a degree through work and got the highest marks in the country! But they made him redundant during it so he couldn’t finish his final year and they kept on his colleague who was younger and has failed the entire course and cost the company 3k in uni fees. He then struggled to get hired and often worked on shop floors rather than in the office which is where he has worked his way up to.

I would say asking a middle-aged woman if they have grandchildren is rude, unless she has already disclosed that she has children that are themselves old enough that you would be able to politely ask if they have children.

I have actually interacted with people I agree with quite a bit! I’ve interacted with OP a lot and quite a few who have agreed with me. That being said, I do struggle to understand your points at times as they don’t read very clearly so perhaps I’m misinterpreting what you’re saying. But education has never been a point I’ve made so thanks for clarifying your family history but it’s not relevant to me.

My family were very working class, and both sets of grandparents had my parents in their late 30s and my parents were also working class and has my sister and I in 30s. None of my family were university educated or had professional jobs / worked with the exception of me and my sister, not that it is relevant to the discussion.

@MiracleCures thats terrible. My NHS employer is very understanding and supportive of parent leave and maternity leave etc. in my profession we also support return to work very well as we need to do return to practice if we take extended leave to ensure we still are operating at the correct standards. Perhaps it can be different trust to trust? I’ve worked in a number of trusts across the UK and haven’t known it to be an issue but equally I haven’t really noticed it much until my current role as kids weren’t on the agenda so I was less aware. Although we as a profession have supported lots of women returning to work after 5-10 years break by allowing shadowing and providing education etc which then often turns into them applying for any vacancies. I am in a senior position now and so a lot of hiring and I wouldn’t consider not offering a job to someone on that basis. Because of EDI we would need to prove they weren’t right for the role compared to someone else as we are an equal rights and flexible working champion trust. I am glad to hear you’re supportive in your role too.

”And it's perfectly normal to go around asking people over the age of 40 (as far as you can tell) if they are grandparents.”
OP give over 😂 You are months away from being 50.
Are you going to be one of those grandmas, whose grandchildren will refer to her by the first name? 🙃

I suspect this is not just about having left to have kids.

Many men also start to have problems with employment once they reach middle age, if they are laid off or need to change sectors, so they aren't moving directly from another position, IYSWIM.

For whatever reason at a certain age if you are coming in without it looking like a conventional career progression, some managers aren't interested. Maybe they just aren't very imaginative? I used to work with my boss, who was about 10 years younger than I, hiring people to work in lower level positions. She was the upper management person and I was the shop floor manager, roughly. The first time we did a hire she commented that she prefered the younger candidates because she felt they were quicker to learn and train and brought more creativity and up to date knowledge. I managed to convince her in a fairly short time that was completely untrue, but I don't think it's an uncommon attitude.

You are clearly very understanding and appear to be a good manager compared to others. But it is very much an issue amongst my friends that are having children in their late 30s. It as of we are almost aged of our jobs, especially women with young children. You have two candidates, both capable, same experience and qualifications but one has young children and the other doesn’t, I can imagine most employers would pick the one without young kids.