To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

I thought this was going to be about a different dilemma: a much older woman is asked if she has grandchildren, and replies sadly "I'd love to have grandchildren, but my children don't want to have any children."

I don’t need your life story. It’s not an outlook, it’s fact. You can’t argue with science. Although you never know on MN.

I wouldn’t ask someone in their early 20s if they had children. If they have them, they can volunteer that information themselves. If you know someone has adult kids then okay but otherwise how about no - especially if you don’t even know if they have any children because then obviously they wouldn’t have grandkids would they.

If the average age of a first time mum is around 29 these days I assume that will lead to the average age of a grandmother being closer to 60 than 50.

I agree it’s probably area / who you mix with dependent - I’m 45 and would be quite insulted if people assumed I might be a grandmother - my youngest is still in primary school. But then pretty much everyone I know socially and at work has been late twenties at absolute youngest having a first child. The very occasional person mid twenties is definitely seen as “young”.

What differernce does it make if it's common? There's nothing wrong with asking someone if something less unusual but entirely possible and fine is true of them.

You are plenty old enough for grandchildren, it's not like you are 30 and she thinks you are 45 which might be a bit off-putting. (Although my neighbour at your age had three grandchildren, one of whom was 10, so still in her 30s when she became a grandmother.

I feel like people are slightly missing the point. I don't think being a grandparent at 49 is shocking or highly unusual and if someone told me they were I wouldn't think anything of it. However, I also don't think it's so common that it would be usual to think that any given 49 year old was likely enough to be a grandmother that it was a good topic of conversation. In the same way as I'm not horrified or thrown to meet a 20 year with a child, but if I'm introduced to a 20 year old I wouldn't be putting 'children' on the likely conversation list.

(I wouldn't actually ask anyone if they had either children or grandchildren, ever, because I think it's a really intrusive and potentially upsetting question)

My first grandchild was born when I was 40.

I guess I live in a rough area, in social housing, have never been to uni and I have no career. Only one of those things is true.

It's common to ask new colleagues in their early 20s if they have children. Some do, some don't. 18 is pushing it into being unlikely, the same as asking a 36 year old if they're a grandparent is unlikely.
But asking a 49 year old isn't at all unlikely or equivalent to asking an 18 year old. She could have had a DC at 25 and the DC had a child at 24. Completely common ages.

Well you’re classed as a geriatric pregnancy at 35 and 46 is regarded old to be a new father. So terms of biology that is old due to women going through the menopause at your age.

I’m not sure you have a very good grasp of statistics as the percentage chances are very small in all groups, so even when risks double or triple with age they are still in fact very small indeed.

It shocked me when she told me because I was 40 and on maternity leave with my first!

It’s more unusual though

I was a dgm in early 50s but none of my peers were

Plenty of women your age have children in their 20s or approaching 30. All you have to do is say "no not yet" or "no my DC are still teens" or "no I don't think they'll be having any", whatever applies. Or just no.
It's not like she asked someone in their 30s.

The increased chance is tiny.
To say it’s selfish is absolutely mind blowing. What a nasty comment.

Ffs what an old fashioned outlook!
I didn’t meet someone I wanted to make a baby with until I was 33, married at 35.
Fertility issues, completely unrelated to my age, I had a pituitary tumour, meant that I had my one and only ay 40. She is now mid twenties, perfectly healthy, confident and successful.
Our home was the one all her friends wanted to come to because it was open, friendly and relaxed. Being an older mother has much to recommend it.

Didn’t say all babies. I said it can cause.. and yes it is fact, that there is a greater chance of those things happening. Have a look at the research.

Yeah and there are plenty of 18 year olds who have babies but if I was chatting to a group of late teens I wouldn’t enquire about whether they had kids.

Selfish to have a miscarriage? Selfish towards whom precisely?

YABU it’s nothing like asking someone if they are pregnant. A lot of people have grandchildren at 49/ in their early 50s.

She’s a bitch and it’s rude to ask that. I’d say don’t ask at all as the person will volunteer or if I did ask it would only be if the person was obviously 60+

I remember a bitchy lady at work asking a colleague similar. Colleague was early 50s and the woman was like “so Amanda are you looking forward to grandkids soon then” and my colleague just looked at her and was like “well my DD is 13 so I really fucking hope not”.

That is savage 🤣😂

I was definitely thinking it. 🤔

This is insanely fear-mongering. The vast majority of babies born to mothers 35 or older are completely healthy babies.

What’s your definition of “rough” area then? Somewhere where people have kids in their 20s?

To be a grandmother at 49 could mean someone had a baby at 24 and that baby went onto have a baby at 24/25. That’s fairly normal no? I had my DC in my thirties but I wouldn’t consider anyone rough for having had them earlier.

Waiting till your late 30s to have kids can cause serious health issues with the child and the mother. Much safer the have kids under the age of 35. I would say it’s rather selfish to have kids later and increase the chances of miscarriage, still born and developmental delays.