To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

‘Grandparent age’ is different in different social circles. Maybe 49 is grandparent age for you, but it certainly isn’t for me or for many other women in this country. In the circles I move in, most people become grandparents in their late 60s or early 70s, sometimes even 80s. So asking someone in their late 40s if they were a grandparent would definitely be taken as an insult - it suggests they look far older than their age.

My mother had her children very young. She wanted to. She had a place at university and turned it down. She wanted to be a mum - simple as that. And she was a very good mum. When we started school she got her qualifications then. She is now retired and travelling the world. No regrets at all. There is nothing wrong with having kids young if you want them young and have the means to support yourself. People always go on about travel - well some folks value other things more and that’s fine.

I also find it curious because implicit in these kind of responses is the idea that people are gambling with their fertility (and the health of their children) purely because (in their socially aspirational heads) it's simply not the MC thing to have babies before 30. Which is mind boggling really.
I expect people who have been securely middle class for generations/people who aren't social climbers, care less and just get on with having babies when they feel ready (financially and emotionally etc).

I certainly had plenty of friends who were solidly middle class like me who had babies before 30.

And equally some of the best and most amazing people I know come from all different walks of life and it shouldn't be a seen as a negative or terrible thing to not be a MC professional. In fact it's very bizarre that all these people saying you "have to" use your 20s for "travel and personal growth" are in fact displaying very narrow minded and geographically, culturally, biologically and historically unusual ideas about when the "right time" to have a baby is.

Travel and fun don't stop with children either though. It's mind boggling to me that people think starting a family is the end of fun.

I've travelled all over with my children and had heaps of fun with them.
And some of my best memories as a child are surfing and skiing with my parents.

There is a whole pile of subtext in these replies… kinda stealth lifestyle bragging.

‘My parents didn’t become grandparents until their 60’s ‘ rough translation ; I’m middle class and although my grandma might of had my mother at 25 in the 1960s when it was socially acceptable- in fact completely normal to be a mother and life long housewife in those days - I am a university graduate career woman who wouldn’t consider breeding until at least 35..

“My parents were in their 70s when they became grandparents.” Rough translation; I am upper class/socio-economic group A . My granny was an academic/career woman at a time when that was unusual, as was my mother , as am I. We are a typical family of wealthy high fliers for generations.

‘I don’t know anyone who is a grandmother in their 40s/50s ‘. Rough translation ; I don’t associate with the working class/socio-economic group C 1-3.

Most of the women in my family became grandmothers in their 40’s.

I agree with you OP . Being asked if you’re pregnant when you’re overweight or if you’re a grandmother (which we’ve been conditioned to associate with being ‘ old ‘ and ‘unattractive’ ) are questions that anyone thoughtful understands can make someone reevaluate how other people see them and be really jarring and are therefore avoided by tactful people .
It’s a massive shame that the joyous thing of becoming a grandmother has such horrible stereotypical baggage attached to it .

No one in my circle had kids before they were 30, that's much more normal these days. People are often in their 60s when they become grandparents.

💯
Not in my circle. It is cringe.
When realistically their way isn't perfect or averages around most the world.
The illusion and stigma leads to disappointment and missed opportunities.

"Jesus Christ Koalafan, you look awful" Are you sick? Maybe time to buy yourself a coffin ahhahaha. And who did your hair like that?" - just making a conversation here!

And I actually had children in my late 20’s and all 3 before 32 so not an old parent at all but also not v young
By mumsnet standards. You were practically a teen mom, 3 before 32. 😅

That is probably true but the issue with this thread for me is the attitude to non-professional women without degrees having their babies in their twenties. Acting like these women are part of an underclass so undesirable it would be horrifically insulting that someone at work could confuse you for one of them.

I can’t believe this has to be said but women who have babies in their twenties or without having a degree or professional career are just normal people outside the MN bubble.

And I say that as a professional woman with multiple degrees who had my first baby in my thirties.

In my social circle, no one has had kids before their mid to late thirties, and thus people in their late forties are parents of tweens and early teens, certainly not grandparents.
Peri menopause and tween relationships are explosive.
Mid 40's peri with a 5/6 year old children, tbe tiredness and hormone changes your children miss out.
You're also losing a generation over time, DGP first grandchild at 70, steals the experience from the grandparent.
I understand everyone on MN parents live until 90 while playing tennis every Saturday.
In reality it is rare.
I was 29 when DD was born, she is 16. I'm the youngest DM from her friends parents at school, they're in their 50's with 16 year old, its a MC school, what surprised me too, that most of the parents are separated or divorced.
50's unruly teenager. Argh.

Very common to ask a woman in her late 40s if she’s a grandmother.

Erm, no it isn't.
Where I live it would be rather unusual to be a grandparent at that age.

I would never ask someone if they had grandchildren, no matter how old I thought they were.

@feelingbleh tbf in many other countries having children way younger is normal and the western world people are having children much older and probably too old really.
But on mumsnet it’s so common to have contrary answers in general, I notice that every time someone posts something, the first answer will contract usually to the extreme. Also the level of aggression from some of the answers is weird….
I know loads of parents with young kids in their late 40’s (again I had my dcs in my late 20’s , very early 30’s) and I wouldn’t dream of asking them if they are grandparents also 😂

@Liesmorelies if she has tiny children in her early 30’s now she’ll also be in in her 40’s with relatively young children , preteens even , maybe mention that to her as she’s obviously trying to make a little dig!
I rarely come across people in their early 20’s having children , in fact my neices and nephews are all this age and they would think it bizarre if someone asked this!!! Nothing could be further from their minds.
And I actually had children in my late 20’s and all 3 before 32 so not an old parent at all but also not v young .
I mean biologically it’s probably better to have dcs before 25 but I really believe your 20’s should be about enjoying yourself and I know pp have mentioned “you can still travel and enjoy yourself with children “, we’ve travelled loads with ours but it’s a totally different experience to only have yourself to look after and there’s far more flexibility and carefreeness alone obviously!!!!
Also we had/have absolutely zero help or support ever so once we had our 3 we were v v v busy as expected so no opportunities etc to have much downtime or nights away etc. I also think it’s completely different travelling as a young , full of energy, carefree 20-something to a late 40’s/50’s person , completely different even if you have money 🤷‍♀️ It’s like asking someone in their late teens do they have any kids (they easily could) but obviously I’d assume no so I wouldn’t ask… @Liesmorelies you should ask your coworker does she have any kids moved out or in uni , she could have older kids as she’s in her 30’s🤷‍♀️

This is 100% a regional thing it has to be because I feel like im from a different planet reading this thread

It definitely is - I do too but from the other direction! Round here a 45 year old with a child (including a baby) it would 100% assumed she was the mother.

This is 100% a regional thing it has to be because I feel like im from a different planet reading this thread. Where i live its completely normal to be a grandparent by late 40s. One of my friends is a grandparent in her 30s admittedly that's not so normal. But in my area if you saw a 45 year old with a baby it would be more likely to be their grandchild rather then their child

OP, the state of this thread (absolutely fuming, ten pages of people getting their feelings hurt, only a handful of posts even really addressing the OP) can at least reassure you that you’re right that it’s a bad conversation starter for a workplace even if most people won’t admit it.

@BusMumsHolidaymakes a really good point!

It's really not common at all.

I had DDs at 29 and 33- DDs are 19 and 16, I'm 49 now and most of their friends' parents are a few years older than me if anything. None of us would be impressed to be asked if we had grandkids. I also know lots of parents with small children in their 40s.

It's certainly not something I'd ask of someone in their 40s or 50s. Not even anyone older unless I was already pretty sure they did have grandkids and would like to be asked about them.

Most people are really, really terrible at guessing ages. She almost certainly just sees you as a generation older than her, ergo she has kids, you have grandkids. It's not about her thinking you were 55 rather than 49. If she has young kids, she was probably trying to find a topic in common, or maybe she wanted advice?

I work with students in their early twenties and I'm pretty sure they lump me (late 30s, two young DC) in with my colleagues who are early 50s with teenagers. We're all just middle aged.

It is rude to ask you if you are a grandmother! I'd be depressed too if someone asks me that if I don't look very old. Totally get you OP. Although I doubt the person meant it as an insult and was just making conversation.

Yes, she is quite a bit younger than me - probably early 30s and her dc are in nursery/infants.

Well, there you go. By the time she gets to 49, her kids may well be old enough to make her a grandmother. Probably that is what was informing her thinking.