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To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

610 replies

Liesmorelies · 31/05/2025 20:38

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

OP posts:
MiracleCures · 01/06/2025 13:06

Trendyname · 01/06/2025 13:01

While it is biologocally possible, society had changed from the times when soon after becoming adults women will have children.
I wouldn't be asking anyone this question because while there are women who have early children, but there are also those who are having kids much later. I would definitely not ask in a corporate environment.

Op, I don't know a single woman who is a grandmother at the age of 49. Maybe my own grandmother but she is not 49 in year 2025. Someone being a grandmother at the age 49 in year 2025 tells me they are a family of unambitious women. Perhaps that's the kind of environment your colleague has come from?

Unambitious? What a fascinating perspective.

feelingbleh · 01/06/2025 13:03

Trendyname · 01/06/2025 13:01

While it is biologocally possible, society had changed from the times when soon after becoming adults women will have children.
I wouldn't be asking anyone this question because while there are women who have early children, but there are also those who are having kids much later. I would definitely not ask in a corporate environment.

Op, I don't know a single woman who is a grandmother at the age of 49. Maybe my own grandmother but she is not 49 in year 2025. Someone being a grandmother at the age 49 in year 2025 tells me they are a family of unambitious women. Perhaps that's the kind of environment your colleague has come from?

Seriously really think about what you have written do you honestly think what you have written is acceptable. Is this the sort of person you want to be?

Trendyname · 01/06/2025 13:03

WearyAuldWumman · 01/06/2025 12:36

Plus Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother was only 48 when Prince Charles was born.

Edited

What year was then? Because majority of the current royals had kids after they turned 30.

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 13:03

Someone being a grandmother at the age 49 in year 2025 tells me they are a family of unambitious women.

Would you care to explain how you come to this entirely illogical conclusion?

FedupofArsenalgame · 01/06/2025 13:03

Trendyname · 01/06/2025 13:01

While it is biologocally possible, society had changed from the times when soon after becoming adults women will have children.
I wouldn't be asking anyone this question because while there are women who have early children, but there are also those who are having kids much later. I would definitely not ask in a corporate environment.

Op, I don't know a single woman who is a grandmother at the age of 49. Maybe my own grandmother but she is not 49 in year 2025. Someone being a grandmother at the age 49 in year 2025 tells me they are a family of unambitious women. Perhaps that's the kind of environment your colleague has come from?

What is ambitious though? And do all women have the same ambitions?

Trendyname · 01/06/2025 13:01

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/05/2025 21:17

It doesn’t imply you’re old though - you could have become a mother at 25 yourself with adult children now in their twenties having children - both pretty normal. She wasn’t insinuating that you look 75.

While it is biologocally possible, society had changed from the times when soon after becoming adults women will have children.
I wouldn't be asking anyone this question because while there are women who have early children, but there are also those who are having kids much later. I would definitely not ask in a corporate environment.

Op, I don't know a single woman who is a grandmother at the age of 49. Maybe my own grandmother but she is not 49 in year 2025. Someone being a grandmother at the age 49 in year 2025 tells me they are a family of unambitious women. Perhaps that's the kind of environment your colleague has come from?

feelingbleh · 01/06/2025 12:58

legoplaybook · 01/06/2025 11:52

But the implication is that you or your daughter might lack a degree so it's incredibly offensive.

I do wonder sometimes if people come on mumsnet to just stir the pot as I really struggle to understand how anyone actually thinks like this.

UniqueExpert · 01/06/2025 12:50

Shocking how many people on this thread don't understand what average means.

And that someone coming in above or below that average number are somehow unusual or a rarity.

Particularly when talking about huge populations.

TeenLifeMum · 01/06/2025 12:41

StonwEd · 01/06/2025 11:24

There are some really really nasty comments on here. I was 18 when I had my daughter (middle class family that really supported me) and she was 21 when she had hers. Not ideal but here we are. She’s just had her second at 27, married, own their own place and I have a very very good senior management role in an industry many would kill to get in to.
I’ve never been asked if I’m a granny but I’ll shout it from the roof tops as I’m so proud of me and my daughter and love those two little children as much as I love her.
Don’t judge people.

Ignore the rude poster. She’s clearly from a background with a very small world view with a smug superiority complex!

WearyAuldWumman · 01/06/2025 12:36

tuvamoodyson · 01/06/2025 05:47

Yes! I see what you mean about your background….the late Queen Elizabeth was 50 when she became a grandmother for the first time!

Plus Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother was only 48 when Prince Charles was born.

feelingbleh · 01/06/2025 12:33

legoplaybook · 01/06/2025 11:52

But the implication is that you or your daughter might lack a degree so it's incredibly offensive.

Wtf I don't have a degree do you think your better them me due to that?

MiracleCures · 01/06/2025 12:31

Wimbledonmum1985 · 01/06/2025 10:50

Very happy to be in a bubble if that is the case.

Why? What kind of people do you think you would find outside that bubble? What a baffling statement.

MiracleCures · 01/06/2025 12:28

legoplaybook · 01/06/2025 11:52

But the implication is that you or your daughter might lack a degree so it's incredibly offensive.

Some of the most amazing people I know don't have degrees.

BobbyBiscuits · 01/06/2025 12:12

You could reasonably have children in their early-mid 20s who might have had a baby in the last couple of years?

I know a few people in their very early 40s who have a grandchild. I wouldn't say it's the norm but if your kids are over 16 then they could potentially have had their own kid?

She clearly didn't mean it rudely. Maybe she has them herself and wanted to compare notes?

Koalafan · 01/06/2025 12:11

HerNeighbourTotoro · 01/06/2025 08:51

"Jesus Christ Koalafan, you look awful" Are you sick? Maybe time to buy yourself a coffin ahhahaha. And who did your hair like that?" - just making a conversation here!

None of those are remotely comparable to asking if you have grandchildren though.

Raquelos · 01/06/2025 12:04

Ouch, that question really is a brutal reminder that you're not in your first flush of youth, isn't it? I do hate it when it becomes apparent to me that someone sees me as old (or even just old enough for grandkids), mostly because I don't think of myself that way.

One of the insensitivities of young people is that they don't yet realise that even at age 80 if we are in good health, we don't feel old in our heads. Bastards.

Unless you have another reason to think she was being snide, I think you should chalk this one up to insensitivity rather than rudeness and comfort yourself with the fact that she will be in her late forties herself one day, facing just such a moment.

Meanwhile, you can comfort yourself with a glass of wine and the fact that you have survived the chaos of young children and are on the cusp of launching your own kids out into the world (no doubt to traumatise some perfectly reasonably aged woman in their turn)😆

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/06/2025 11:57

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 11:54

What’s offensive about not having a degree? Jesus, MN gets more bonkers by the day.

On mumsnet you haven't lived unless you have a degree, a wasted life, probably thick too, in an unskilled job.

Very narrow minded view of society.
Pathetic really.

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 11:54

legoplaybook · 01/06/2025 11:52

But the implication is that you or your daughter might lack a degree so it's incredibly offensive.

What’s offensive about not having a degree? Jesus, MN gets more bonkers by the day.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/06/2025 11:53

I wouldn't be overly judging as you never know you might become a DGM before your time.
Unless all MC teenagers, young adults refrain from sex before marriage or are taking bullet proof contraception.
I assume that it is the latter.

legoplaybook · 01/06/2025 11:52

UniqueExpert · 01/06/2025 11:10

I don't think it's at all unusual to be a grandparent at 49.

But the implication is that you or your daughter might lack a degree so it's incredibly offensive.

suburburban · 01/06/2025 11:49

Bournetilly · 31/05/2025 22:40

My mum became a grandparent at 49 and thought this was late, most of her friends had grandchildren already.

Most of my friends parents had them in their very early 20s, most people I know now with young kids had them in their mid 20s.

I’m sure it varies depending on where people are from though.

Yes definitely

i think the expensive housing isn’t helping this generation

my dd was the youngest at her NCT group and was 25, rest were in their 30s

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 01/06/2025 11:46

ChocolateGanache · 01/06/2025 11:38

it not.

Of course it is! You're basically dismissing someone else's lived experience.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 01/06/2025 11:45

@InsomniacSloth

As I said, statistically it is far, far more likely that a woman seen with a small child who is in their 40s is the mother than the grandmother. Being a grandmother in your 40s in the UK is a rarity these days

Can you post the proof of these 'statistics' please? You seem very certain that your opinions are fact. Evidence please.

ChocolateGanache · 01/06/2025 11:38

Twinty2 · 01/06/2025 10:37

It’s quite normal to have grandchildren in your 40s, I know plenty who have including my mum.

it not.

ThePhantomoftheEcobubbleOpera · 01/06/2025 11:35

Or, you could ask the question and they could answer without all the bellyaching, the analysis of skin quality or outrage that they have been mis-classed 😂

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