To ask how on earth you ‘slow down’?

I was the same as this. I’ve very recently started to say no to things, and being honest saying I just don’t want to but let’s schedule something for in the next week or so. It’s kind of liberating and not once has anyone been annoyed. Time to start saying no. You won’t look back

@Imcomingovertoyourplace
as soon as you said if you dropped to four days your work load would still be full time, I guessed you were a fellow social worker!

Yep - it’s very thoughtful of you but I’m sure they’d be perfectly fine with you collecting and going rather than staying for two hours. Week days are busy.

This is madness OP. Sorry but no one wants you hanging around on a weeknight after they've been looking after your DC. Can you arrange formal childcare so you can just collect and go at 6pm if you really feel this is an issue?

This would stop you having to reciprocate childcare to an extent as well!

"i feel guilty if I chill"

This is the heart of it. You need to explore why this feeling of guilt matters more to you than protecting your health.

Gosh don’t you think those people would want you to leave pronto on a weeknight? That way you all can get chill time!

Social work is hard, and you’re single parent with informal childcare and a DC with additional needs.

Is some of the ‘fun’ stuff actually fun/manageable for you?

I’m not single and have a much easier, office job and would find that much activity most weekends tiring. i do sleepovers and trips etc if/when I have time off.

Yeah, you need better boundaries. This is madness. So you're socialising 1-2h a day after work, plus all day most weekend days?
And you need to look after yourself. You won't be able to chill and be your best self for your kids at the weekend if you're burnt out.
I find 1h a week alone in a coffee shop is amazingly restorative for such a limited time. No phone scrolling etc, just read or draw or chill with a nice drink and/or cake.

Most people would understand that you need to get home and cook dinner and have a nighttime routine. If you and your kids aren't getting home until 8pm because you feel it's rude to pick up your kids without a 1 or 2 hour visit, how do you manage a consistent nighttime routine, especially with 1 of your kids having extra needs? How do you deal with homework when it's late and they're tired?

It sounds like you're putting your friends and family wishes to socialize over you and your children's physical needs. You're teaching them to ignore physical exhaustion to please and possibly placate others. You're not giving them downtime.

So you're working 6 days a week if you're working one of the weekend days? Are you paid for that or are you just trying to keep up? That would be one of the obvious things to try and sort out if that's the case. That would give you a day kid and work free to see friends or catch up with housework etc

How far away is the childcare if you finish work at 6 and don't get in til 8? Again, it might mean some extra work short term but could you find an alternative provider?

It sounds like you're hyper focused on having the perfect life for your kids which is sweet but unattainable. They don't need to go to London for the day because they had to go to holiday club. Just spending time with you is what matters and after a week at club I'd think a quiet day - movie on the sofa, walk around the local park, ice cream etc would be perfect. If they don't get much time at home, why can't you use every other Saturday as a chill day. Get out their toys. Art supplies. Gardening stuff.

You're setting them up to think the only way to live is to be constantly on the go like you are.

I do this too! But don't do it on weekends. Take your leave when the kids are off and repay childcare favours during those times. It's too hard on weekends. Trust me on this!

I would do a mass playdate once every two months. Invite a group over or even better meet at a park or cinema so no cleaning up required.

Order everything online. DH and I work full time and I wouldn't dream of going to the supermarket, we just don't have enough time. Same with buying presents etc.

OP I am just like you. I have a busy job and a huge social life, as do my DC.

Mine are teens now and it's still full on but I have way more time now.

I did not do play dates or sleepovers in term term. Only during holidays when I take time off. Frankly sleepovers are a bad idea during term time, really disrupts kids sleep. We were really strict about this and still don't allow it.

I would say don't kill your social life; you will need friends when your DC are older. But don't be a people pleaser and say yes to everything else.

I entirely get the need to ‘slow down’ and it’s really hard but we have made a co sorted effort as I have had bouts of illness which have all lasted much longer than they should.

We do lots of things during the week - swimming, Beavers/Rainbows, Cricket and Ballet. So our weeks are mad but we manage by doing the following:

Sundays are family home days/ready for the week. There are of course exceptions but on a standard week we are at home and it’s about a slow prep for the week. Therefore any sleepovers must be on a Friday night.

Food is delivered - a recent discovery but my goodness a godsend!

School Hols, we focus the first week/few days on being at home and allowing the kids to be bored - makes the rest much simpler! On a weeks hols I’d only plan on doing a couple of activities (swimming/cinema/day out).

These things have really helped us and I will follow other ideas!!

That doesn't mean you can plan for some "you" time once a month, though, does it?

You'll be no use to anyone if you burn out.

Do you want to slow down or do you just feel you should?

If you're working a weekend day and only have one day with the kids, then chores need to be done on your mid-week day off (Inc the birthday present shopping you mentioned as a weekend activity). I'd also be using that mid-week day off for some proper down time and switch off.

(Sorry if I misunderstood and you are working 6 days a week, in which case you definitely need to budget so you can reduce hours; can you share your monthly outgoings)

I second looking closely at budget to see if you could reduce spending and cut your hours at work. Dropping from 5 to 4 days does not equal a 1/5 pay cut, because you are taxed disproportionately on the higher bits of your salary. Plus you might save on costs like childcare.

If that's not possible, then you need to schedule in some down time. Maybe start with one full day per fortnight? Put it in your diary and treat it like an obligation. Friends and family will just have to wait until you're free again.

Social worker? Could you consolidate your home visits to three days only - so for example Monday you’re home doing admin and planning week and Friday your writing up and organising.

if it feels too much don’t do it, have a play date but say no to sleepovers for example, buy a bunch of birthday cards and wrapping paper and sometimes just put £5 or £10 in a card.

big day trips can be saved for school holidays only. Make Saturdays busy and Sundays literally a day of rest - just prep for the week and chilling at home.