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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that women keep too many secrets to protect men and that it’s time we stopped?

41 replies

BeTaupeLeader · 31/05/2025 13:47

Inspired by the Netflix series The Secrets We Keep but honestly, I think this goes ways beyond the show.

From covering up for male partners who cheat or mistreat us, to staying quiet about workplace harassment so he doesn’t lose his job, to protecting the reputations of fathers, brothers, exes, even friends… why do so many women carry the burden of men’s behaviour?

Sometimes it’s fear. Sometimes shame. Sometimes because we’re told it’s the “kind” or “mature” thing to do.

But is it really? And what happens when we don’t keep those secrets? When we name names or even just stop excusing things?

Have you ever kept a secret to protect a man - big or small? Did it help or just eat away at you?

I don’t think we talk enough about this.

AIBU to think it’s time we stopped doing it?

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 31/05/2025 14:34

My experience has been a family history of keeping secrets for family bullies, so as not to expose the family toxicity, this emboldens the bullies (male and female), and ultimately escalates the toxic situation that is being protected.

Also keeping secrets to disguise addiction or mental illness.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 31/05/2025 14:34

Yanbu x

NicolaCasanova · 31/05/2025 14:23

When I saw this thread title I thought it meant like removing moustaches and faking orgasms and not talking about period pain or hot flushes at work or having Tampax boxes out in the bathroom where dads/brothers can see them.

Mrsbloggz · 31/05/2025 14:19

MonTuesWeds · 31/05/2025 13:54

I don't know what series you're talking about. But I imagine a significant reason would be the material consequences of not keeping something quiet.

I agree with this. Broadly speaking men tend to have more power than women, this means they have a greater ability to harm us if we do not comply with them.

clappydays · 31/05/2025 14:08

I once had a relationship with a man who (it turned out) was having side relationships with men. Because of his family culture, he’d always had this secret life and on the surface, had girlfriends like me. When I found out, I was totally heartbroken at all the lies and cheating.

We broke up, but for some reason I always kept his secret, not wanting to ‘shame’ him. I told him I wouldn’t tell anyone but if I caught wind of him starting a new relationship with another woman without telling her, I would find a way to tell her. I didn’t want any more women to go through what I’d experienced.

I don’t know why I kept his secret. I guess I just thought that if I spoke about it publicly his family might cut him off and I didn’t want to be that vindictive. He’d cheated and lied repeatedly so I didn’t owe him anything but I wanted to be the better person.

MyUmberSeal · 31/05/2025 13:59

You post doesn’t resonate with me either. I have never carried any burden in order to protect a man.

Some men are dicks, some women are dicks. But I hate this sisterhood narrative with the whole ‘us women must unshackle ourselves from all the nasty wasty men who are so cruel and mean to us, blub blub’. It’s simply not like that in real life.

Mareleine · 31/05/2025 13:58

What's your experience then OP? Go on you first.

nomas · 31/05/2025 13:57

Foostit · 31/05/2025 13:56

@Totallytoti
Exactly! I think the poster was being sarcastic!

Show quote history

Sarcasm which makes zero sense on an anonymous forum.

nomas · 31/05/2025 13:56

missmollygreen · 31/05/2025 13:50

You are so right. No one ever complains about men on MN. We need to break this wall of silence!

It’s pretty obvious she means complaining about them in real life, where there is no anonymity.

Foostit · 31/05/2025 13:56

Totallytoti · 31/05/2025 13:54

You are hilarious. 99 % of threads are complaining about men 🤣🤣

Show quote history

@Totallytoti
Exactly! I think the poster was being sarcastic!

Totallytoti · 31/05/2025 13:54

missmollygreen · 31/05/2025 13:50

You are so right. No one ever complains about men on MN. We need to break this wall of silence!

You are hilarious. 99 % of threads are complaining about men 🤣🤣

MonTuesWeds · 31/05/2025 13:54

I don't know what series you're talking about. But I imagine a significant reason would be the material consequences of not keeping something quiet.

RominaDina · 31/05/2025 13:52

The only time I've ever kept secrets to protect someone is if children would be impacted. Never for a man. I'm in a very long and happy marriage and think that one of the reasons we still get on is that we're very open and talk things through.

Renabrook · 31/05/2025 13:52

Yes women never complain endlessly yet just stay with them and then complain again and the cycle continues

missmollygreen · 31/05/2025 13:50

You are so right. No one ever complains about men on MN. We need to break this wall of silence!

1SillySossij · 31/05/2025 13:50

Doesn't resonate with me at all. I am sure most couples know small things about one another their partner doesnt want broadcasting, but I don't think it's more one way than the other