To think that women keep too many secrets to protect men and that it’s time we stopped?

I know what you mean Op, women keep quiet about their DHs misbehaving because they feel ashamed/embarrasses or because they know calling them out in it publically will end the relationship. I listen to my DP tell people things that big him up that I know didn't happen and let it slide

I wasn’t talking just about cheating but the whole panoply of bad male behaviour in relationships and familles - all the shit you read on here day after day.

Can I ask for examples? Was also thinking about this.

But in the terms you’re describing it depends on context. Would I keep a secret about a male colleague having an affair with another Co worker and sleeping with multiple women? Yes, and I have done this. And yes I knew his girlfriend. Why none of my business, of course I felt bad for her but she was told about this previously. So no I’m not getting involved. I made it clear to him I thought he was trash. Would I keep quiet if I knew a male colleague was harassing a female Co worker? Fuck no.

Some women, not all I should say are absolute doormats to men and will do anything to protect them. Look at the comments on most of these threads, one still going on now where the Op asked she was ok to be angry at her husband who had pissed the bed then just left her to clean it up. The comments were hysterical and ridiculous, saying how he would have been too embarrassed, to him having some potential life threatening health condition because he pissed the bed once.. then of course the comments about her marriage and how she hates him. All these comments by women. It’s women that are the problem not men. If more women called out men on their behaviour and didn’t mother them like a spoilt baby there would be a hell of a lot less internalised misogyny.

I don’t think I’ve ever kept a secret to protect a man. Why would I.

I guess I would keep a small secret to protect a family member or friend but I’d do that regardless of sex.

I think I get it

How many times do people turn blind eye to poor behaviour because it's "none of our business" women saying what a great dad that man is while his family know damm well he isn't watching their child he is taking it to his sisters or his mums house handing it over and sitting on his arse while they do it all for him or not warning the current girlfriend he is an abusive twunt (because of course she won't be believed) but really? A man with several arrests for the same offences convicted or not should give you a pause but it doesn't you trust and believe in him move areas because of his "crazy ex" then again because he doesn't like it maybe even again because people keep hating on your man for no reason all the time it's really him and your a fucking idiot

I don’t think I’ve ever been expected to keep secrets for a man - because I thankfully don’t have many men in my life who do grubby things, and the few who do, do them openly.

Sarcasm always makes sense.

What is it when women cheat, then? Contempt for men?

I've never kept a secret to protect a man. I kept one to protect myself from being accused of lying, being the centre of town gossip, having to relive trauma. The noble thing would have been to report it but I don't think I could have managed the emotional turmoil and realistically the chance of me speaking out preventing another experiencing the same is very slim.

I’d say the comment was ironic. Not sure why anonymity cancels out the humour.

Both kinds of behaviours come from male entitlement and contempt for women.

No. One is sexual harassment. The other is what goes on in families and relationships. If my brother sexually harasses somebody, that should be called out. If my brother has a problem in his relationship, that’s not anyone else’s business.

The second part of your post is in complete conflict with your first.

Entitled and predatory behaviour by men in public/organisations should and is called out.

But in private we should keep quiet?

Can't you see they are two cheeks of the same arse?

I don’t know why I kept his secret

I guess ultimately his sexuality is not your secret to reveal.
Not knowing the situation at all (obviously), perhaps he would much rather just be in a relationship with a man than have to have this front of being with a woman to appease his family. Would they have tried to set him up with a woman/arrange a marriage if he was seen to be single and by having a girlfriend it would have kept the pressure off a bit? Sounds like a very unhappy situation all round.

I think would struggle to keep quiet and whatever reputation loss he suffers is entirely his doing - but have never actually been in this situation to test my myself.

I have never had to keep significant secrets for men or women in my family, friends circle or at work - we are all very happily dull in the respect, as far as I am aware.

Yes, this resonates with me, too, though it was more covering up male failures and MH problems. But not in my generation.

Doesn’t resonate with me either. In fact I’ve got way more dirt on a number of women in my life. I don’t blab because they mostly aren’t my secrets to tell and where they are, I just don’t fancy everyone knowing my business.

I have a male friend who is regularly sleeping with two women that arent his wife. He goes off to a different country where they have a second home to do it. I hate the hypocrisy but I don’t tell on him. It’s too much of a responsibility : I guess his daughters would hate him if they found out, and he wouldn’t look like The Good Guy anymore in his village.

I think people keep quiet because they don’t always want to be subjected to a barrage of mumsnet style advice that they don’t want to follow. It is very easy to tell someone else how to live their life but not so easy when you are the one living it.

YANBU.

I would like everyone to know about my ex-h's shameful abusive behaviour, warts and all.

I guess I don't spread it widely for a range of reasons. Because he'd make my life and coparenting impossible. But also, and this is the tricky thing, because in polite society most people don't want to know the dirt.

I called out my father's abusive behaviour and went NC and most of the family sided with him.

I don't think keeping silent benefits anyone other than horrible men.

So I have mixed feelings really, it's not always safe and there are consequences

Yes I have, I'm sorry to say. My telling people wouldn't do any good to anyone so there is no point.

This doesn’t resonate with me, either. I’ve always worked in places with very open and robust cultures around inappropriate behaviour in terms of sexual harassment, it’s definitely not something women are expected to tolerate and keep quiet about nowadays. I don’t think women who keep quiet about cheating partners or male relatives, or partners and relatives who are shit partners and dads, do it to protect the man; they keep quiet because it’s not really anybody else’s business and airing your dirty laundry in public is unnecessary drama and generally tiresome for people around you. If my brother cheats on his partner, that’s between them. I might express my disappointment to him privately, but beyond that it isn’t a “burden” I’m carrying or anything I need to speak aloud to other people about.