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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

166 replies

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 10:17

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

OP posts:
Mymanyellow · 31/05/2025 13:58

A decade! Thought it was a couple of months. Ridiculous to put up with this.

faerietales · 31/05/2025 13:57

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:43

We live together and this is the only area we’ve kept secret. Other than having to be firm with him about the friends issue.

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Jesus. That's not normal.

Original poster
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:57

I’ve met his outside of work friends quite a lot. I’ve met his parents etc. but PP are right, there’s no need for any secrecy now so I’m going to insist on open relationships

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:56

Helpmeplease2025 · 31/05/2025 13:54

You’ve been together for ten years and it’s still a secret, at his request?

She is the least of your problems

Only at his work. Oh and on Facebook he won’t be my friend.

OP posts:
Helpmeplease2025 · 31/05/2025 13:54

You’ve been together for ten years and it’s still a secret, at his request?

She is the least of your problems

nomas · 31/05/2025 13:53

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:39

It’s always been him driving the secrecy. We’ve been together over a decade. I had to have a big fight with him years ago to get him to introduce me to his friends.

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OMG OP. Why are you doing this to yourself? Trust me, you don’t want to throw your life away for this scumbag.

He should be proud of you. Seriously, just leave him.

SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 13:46

Wow. You've been together for over 10 years and people he works with thinks he's single?

Please don't say you have kids too.

Original poster
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:43

faerietales · 31/05/2025 13:40

You've been together a decade?!

Honestly, raise your bar.

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We live together and this is the only area we’ve kept secret. Other than having to be firm with him about the friends issue.

OP posts:
faerietales · 31/05/2025 13:40

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:39

It’s always been him driving the secrecy. We’ve been together over a decade. I had to have a big fight with him years ago to get him to introduce me to his friends.

Show quote history

You've been together a decade?!

Honestly, raise your bar.

Original poster
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:39

nomas · 31/05/2025 10:32

YANBU. Ask him how would he like it if a man sat you on his lap and you didn’t immediately get up?

And who is the one who wants to keep the relationship a secret?

It’s always been him driving the secrecy. We’ve been together over a decade. I had to have a big fight with him years ago to get him to introduce me to his friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:24

We would have attended as friends. We wouldn’t have pretended we didn’t know each other. I don’t think we were breaking any rules but he was my manager by the time I left which was one of the main reasons why I wanted to leave.

ive told him this morning that he needs to tell people that we are together.

OP posts:
PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/05/2025 13:00

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 12:48

Apparently she is married. I asked him if people think he’s single and he reckons he’s never mentioned if he’s single or not.

If he’d not entertained it then I wouldnt be bothered.

Oh come on. You used to work together so it was a secret? Unless you were breaking some sort of rules, why? Workp[lace romances are hardly unheard of. And you have been out of that workplace for how long? Yet he has never ever mentioned his partner? Ever? Even when people know you? Even when the only reason you weren't at the event was because of your broken leg? Were you both going to act like you didn't know each other, had you gone?

None of this makes any sense at all, and whether she is married or not, whether she is flirty or not, those things are still not the point. This is something he says happens every time there is a workplace social, and he doesn't encourage or want it, yet he says nothing and says nothing about you? Pull the other one.

Original poster
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 12:48

Apparently she is married. I asked him if people think he’s single and he reckons he’s never mentioned if he’s single or not.

If he’d not entertained it then I wouldnt be bothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 12:46

No - sorry I am here. I had to go and do something. We agreed to keep it a secret because we worked together. However, I left ages ago so there’s no reason for secrecy. I was actually invited but have broken my leg so couldn’t attend.

OP posts:
feelingbleh · 31/05/2025 11:56

Just another thread where op vanishes into thin air

Welshyma · 31/05/2025 11:51

I agree with other replies. He sounds like a twat. He’s keeping you a secret so he can get her attention - clearly, she thinks he’s single.
He likes making you jealous. What a child.

loobyloo1979 · 31/05/2025 11:23

Why are you a secret?

Coffeeishot · 31/05/2025 11:18

Your boyfriend sounds horrible, I mean the fact he swore at you about this tells you all you need to know about him.

Springtimehere · 31/05/2025 11:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 31/05/2025 11:11

He called you fucking pathetic for being upset about a valid issue and keeps you a secret?
Yeah, this one's not a keeper. He can get in the bin.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/05/2025 11:03

Sagepage · 31/05/2025 10:26

Is he actually your partner if no one knows you’re together or are you just dating?

If people at work think he’s single then he’s fair game for women to hit on if they think he’s interested. Is there a reason hasn’t told anyone, or is he keeping his options open?

This.
I voted you are being unreasonable because as far as anyone at work is concerned he is single and available, and this is not the first time she has flirted with him. The issue isn't you being upset - the issue is why you are a secret.

Blackdow · 31/05/2025 10:54

Does she think he is single? He can say he has a girlfriend without saying your name, but it’s a bit weird that no one knows you’re together. You’re saying partner, so long term and living together? And no one knows? Hmmm.
You need to talk about boundaries and make clear that he can’t do that with other woman and needs to stop it as soon as they approach, but maybe stop hiding this long term relationship if you really are partners. Sounds like a new boyfriend to me.

TimeForABreak4 · 31/05/2025 10:48

If she thinks he's single because no one knows about you relationship, she's not done anything wrong in her own mind. He's told you though. Why is your relationship secret, that's strange especially when you know the colleagues?

faerietales · 31/05/2025 10:43

OnePearlHelper · 31/05/2025 10:22

Why does no one know you are together?

This. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

rainbowstardrops · 31/05/2025 10:41

If nobody knows you’re together then presumably she doesn’t either?
Having said that, I’d be hurt that he didn’t want to upset her but he thinks you’re being ridiculous for feeling upset. I’d hazard a guess that he enjoyed her on his lap

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