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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

166 replies

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 10:17

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

OP posts:
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:49

Slatterndisgrace · 31/05/2025 14:42

I’d be furious. Why does someone casually assume sitting on a lap is welcomed? Unless she’s been welcomed before. He doesn’t respect you, you have your own home, I’d go there and not look back.

edit: but I’m older and have been burned considerably OP - I wish I’d had more self worth when I could have enjoyed it while younger. Please respect yourself.

Edited

Thank you. I really appreciate your kindness.

OP posts:
Slatterndisgrace · 31/05/2025 14:42

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:40

I really don’t know. It’s so difficult unnecessarily isn’t it? I’m tired of all this

I’d be furious. Why does someone casually assume sitting on a lap is welcomed? Unless she’s been welcomed before. He doesn’t respect you, you have your own home, I’d go there and not look back.

edit: but I’m older and have been burned considerably OP - I wish I’d had more self worth when I could have enjoyed it while younger. Please respect yourself.

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:41

SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 14:39

Which is fair enough at the time – but 10 years have passed and you live together! His female colleague most likely wouldn't have gone near his knees if she'd known he'd been in a relationship for the past decade. He's made you his dirty little secret and I suspect it suits him to be thought of as single at work if colleagues throw themselves at him on a night out.

I’m inclined to agree.

OP posts:
TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:40

Slatterndisgrace · 31/05/2025 14:39

If you hadn’t broken your leg and had gone to the party, how would it have panned out? The both of you pretending to just be friends? What if the woman had sat on his knee in front of you believing you were just friends?

I really don’t know. It’s so difficult unnecessarily isn’t it? I’m tired of all this

OP posts:
SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 14:39

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:31

We do live together. I have my own house though that I can return to at fairly short notice.

he said he wanted to keep it secret because our manager at the time would have an issue with it.

Which is fair enough at the time – but 10 years have passed and you live together! His female colleague most likely wouldn't have gone near his knees if she'd known he'd been in a relationship for the past decade. He's made you his dirty little secret and I suspect it suits him to be thought of as single at work if colleagues throw themselves at him on a night out.

Slatterndisgrace · 31/05/2025 14:39

If you hadn’t broken your leg and had gone to the party, how would it have panned out? The both of you pretending to just be friends? What if the woman had sat on his knee in front of you believing you were just friends?

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:38

Viviennemary · 31/05/2025 14:34

How together are you. Seems a bit odd that nobody knows. Do you live together or just dating.

Yep, we live together.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 31/05/2025 14:34

How together are you. Seems a bit odd that nobody knows. Do you live together or just dating.

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:34

dogcatkitten · 31/05/2025 14:30

To just fling her off, or say get off my knee would be pretty rude and embarrassing for them both and would certainly have got a laugh or applause from the other people present. If no one knows you are together he can't just laugh it off saying you know I'm with Jane so you have to go, sorry, and remove her (gently).

More rude than sitting on a colleague’s knee uninvited? He could have literally said something like ‘here have my seat’ instead of allowing her to drape herself over him and have a conversation.

OP posts:
Slatterndisgrace · 31/05/2025 14:32

dogcatkitten · 31/05/2025 14:30

To just fling her off, or say get off my knee would be pretty rude and embarrassing for them both and would certainly have got a laugh or applause from the other people present. If no one knows you are together he can't just laugh it off saying you know I'm with Jane so you have to go, sorry, and remove her (gently).

Quite possible to move her off gently, no flinging necessary. If he respected his ‘partner’ that is.

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:31

We do live together. I have my own house though that I can return to at fairly short notice.

he said he wanted to keep it secret because our manager at the time would have an issue with it.

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 31/05/2025 14:30

To just fling her off, or say get off my knee would be pretty rude and embarrassing for them both and would certainly have got a laugh or applause from the other people present. If no one knows you are together he can't just laugh it off saying you know I'm with Jane so you have to go, sorry, and remove her (gently).

Gazelda · 31/05/2025 14:24

You got together when you were colleagues. What was his reason for secrecy at that point?

I’d be feeling pretty disrespected if I were kept a secret.

SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 14:18

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:16

No - he was promoted a few years later. He didn’t want to tell people initially because he said our manager at the time would have an issue with it.

it all sounds like madness when I write it out but this has been my normality for years and I suppose it’s just become normal.

It's definitely not normal for a partner to lie to his co-workers for 10 years about being in a significant relationship and letting them think he's single. Do you live together?

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:16

SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 14:12

Did he make the first move when he was your manager?

No - he was promoted a few years later. He didn’t want to tell people initially because he said our manager at the time would have an issue with it.

it all sounds like madness when I write it out but this has been my normality for years and I suppose it’s just become normal.

OP posts:
CookingFatCat · 31/05/2025 14:16

Work colleagues do not behave like that. It is pure fodder for gossip and speculation.
Unless it’s common knowledge they’ve got a thing going. Which given they don’t know he is with you, is possible?

SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 14:12

Did he make the first move when he was your manager?

Tagyoureit · 31/05/2025 14:12

He's not dealt with it with you very well but I can imagine that last night he didn't want to cause a scene with a drunk woman in front of everyone and having worked in bars, I can see his side on that.

However, the way he is making you feel now is most definitely not on.

And after 10 years together, he still feels the need to hide your relationship from work? That's just so bizarre. How long have you not worked together?

SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 14:12

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:00

No - we don’t. He wants them but I don’t.

Very wise not to go down that road with him.

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:07

neverbeenskiing · 31/05/2025 14:04

So many red flags here, OP.

Keeping you secret from his work colleagues is weird. So is telling you some woman was all over him on a night out knowing full well it would upset you and then calling you ridiculous for having a completely normal reaction.

Run.

I genuinely think he only told me because he was worried that one of the team would mention it in passing to me.

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 31/05/2025 14:04

So many red flags here, OP.

Keeping you secret from his work colleagues is weird. So is telling you some woman was all over him on a night out knowing full well it would upset you and then calling you ridiculous for having a completely normal reaction.

Run.

Slatterndisgrace · 31/05/2025 14:04

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:43

We live together and this is the only area we’ve kept secret. Other than having to be firm with him about the friends issue.

Doesn’t it feel like it’s a dirty little secret? Still though, if he’s considered single, women can sit on his lap anytime, right?

RellieAngst · 31/05/2025 14:03

You don’t have a lap sitter problem, you have a DP problem.

He’s keeping you a secret. Why? There’s more to it than you think.

Doesn’t sound like a man worth having TBH. Throw him back in the pond.

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 14:00

SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 13:58

Do you have children?

No - we don’t. He wants them but I don’t.

OP posts:
SuperTrooper14 · 31/05/2025 13:58

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:56

Only at his work. Oh and on Facebook he won’t be my friend.

Do you have children?

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