To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

There isn’t children in this “relationship” is there op?

I cannot believe you have been living like this for ten years. What is wrong with you OP?

🚩s all over it!

I think you’ve got a serious issue with this man @TiredOTUS , you’ve been together 10 years and he still behaves like a single man , it’s ridiculous . If some woman sat on my husbands lap I’d expect him to remove himself immediately , sod her feelings it is totally inappropriate.

I genuinely think he only told me because he was worried that one of the team would mention it in passing to me.

Why would someone from work want to tell you when they don’t know about your relationship with him?

I feel so sorry for OP, it’s just normal to her, but it is really not normal, when she left the work place years ago, also the woman just walked in and got on his lap, shows she’s comfy, wonder what would of happened if poster was there

Yanbu. If a lass made a beeline for my husband and sat on his knee and dropped herself over him I'd expect him to remove her off his person and set and enforce boundaries with her. She is not at fault when she believes he's single, he however knows he's in a relationship but he isn't acting like it. His reaction to you feeling upset speaks volumes too. Bin him off op he is not a partner worth having.

Even if he's not leading a double life, the psychological effect of being kept secret and hidden is so damaging. It's so awful for self worth, even if on the surface you can tell yourself that you get why they're doing it and it's not a big deal.

But yes, another risk with it is that it enables so much scope for deception and lying.

I'm always shocked and dismayed that so many people find it normal/acceptable for their partner to call them "fucking ridiculous" or similar. That's vile. So aggressive and unnecessary. My partner would never, ever say something like that to me. If we disagree or differ we'd express it but not like that.

Also the secret thing is a huge red flag. I was kept secret in my first relationship and it's messed me up for life (although I have worked thru it mostly now). Don't let these things, the way he speaks to you and the fact you're a secret, anywhere, at all, be normal for you.

I would watch your back, he won’t even add you on fb. And people don’t know your together, just watch he’s not living a double life

Very possibly yes, though since the team don't even know you're together there's the question of why they'd bother to tell you

The bigger question though is why he's so desperate to keep his options open, and that's something I'd very much want to address if I was going to stay with him

I'm so sorry OP, but he is keeping his options open.
You ARE a dirty secret.
10 years?
Bloody hell, only on MN.
Thank god you haven't had children with the weasel.
Pack a bag and head off.
Don't waste any more time on this snake.
Oh and definitely get the word out that you were together 10 years and YOU dumped his slimey arse.

and I think he only told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me
completely ageee

because nobody knows we are together.
10 years! Beyond weird.

For heavens sake, this hyperbole does actual victims of sexual abuse no favours at all.

@TiredOTUS if she’s comfortable enough to walk up to him at a work event and sit in his knee or lap - then this isn’t just a one off thing. I mean who the fuck does that?! That’s someone that feels they have a relationship with him beyond colleagues. That’s not a causal work relationship. That’s I didn’t know he has a partner and we flirt at work and at company events. Sounds like emotional affair territory. And he’s only telling you in case someone else drops him in it otherwise you’d never have know.

take off the blinkers. xx

He's a manager and his coworker is sitting on his lap and draping herself around him while having a chat?

But you kept your relationship a secret all this time because manager and coworker was not considered acceptable even though you left and are no longer coworkers?

Yeah, that doesn't make sense at all.

10 years together and his coworkers don't know that he has a partner?

I think you think he's your partner but he doesn't.

Time for you to wake up.

So many reasons to be upset here… I do understand the initial secrecy, but you’ve been together 10 YEARS and still a secret!!!! Holy moly! I’ve been disrespected in my relationship but at least the OW knew about me (my husband obviously very much to blame too… takes two to “tango” 😔) but if he’s really keeping you a secret I’d be questioning that massively, especially the levels he’s gone too…

You beat me to it! Absolutely this. The lap thing wouldn’t bother me at all, however the fact that his 10yr relationship is not public knowledge to anyone other than immediate friends and family is a major klaxon.

If you've left I don't understand why youd be kept a secret, I mean I don't think it's normal anyway but that's not an excuse.

Imagine if this was a guy all over a woman when it's clear she's not interested he would be called a sleaze. I get she's drunk in these situations but doesn't make it right.

This woman needs to be told straight it's just not on at all.

Do you trust him or not? If you trust him then what's the issue?

You're victim shaming plain and simple! Of this was a man saying my DW came home from a work do and said a male colleague made a beeline for her and sat on her knee even though she didn't want him to but she didn't get up immediately people would say he had no right to be angry at his wife because she was the victim of SA! Just because it's female to male doesn't make it any different - your OH was sexually abused - has told you he was sexually abused and you've victim shamed him by getting angry with him!

With all kindness, if he wants kids and you don’t then you are Mrs Right Now, not Mrs Right and he is keeping his options open in case he meets someone who does fancy him and wants kids. Men don’t have the same time pressures and therefore sense of urgency, but don’t think he has reconciled himself to a childfree life with you.

But you don't work together now so no need to keep it a secret.

I was my dh manager and we had to keep it quiet. As soon as I left, everyone knew! And we could tell all my/dh colleagues as there was no longer a conflict of interest.

I'd be fuming right now and he'd have to have an unbelievably good explanation.

Be kind to yourself.